Gooey chair baffles Iraqi premiers

BAGHDAD, IRAQ – Onlookers gathered at Baghdad’s infamous Green Zone to witness the seventh consecutive attempt this year to dishevel Mr. Nuri al-Maliki, outgoing prime minister of Iraq from the seat of authority. A group of Iraq’s finest politicians and lawmakers assembled to attempt and disengage Mr. al-Maliki, 60, from the seating object to futility.

“It’s hopeless.” A bemused al-Maliki consoled his ailing colleagues who had fallen to their feet after the rope had snapped. “My asshole has firmly integrated itself with the composition of the chair. It looks like I’m going to be stuck in this contraption for the next four years.”

“the glue” refers to a strange substance that seemed to ooze from beneath the premier’s unassuming buttocks two years ago, following the Battle of Basra, after a substantial period of overflowing, the material coalesced firmly into a solid paste.

“This is the bond the likes of which I have yet to encounter.” former prime minister and neurosurgeon Ibrahim al-Jaffari commented upon the event, bringing into the incident his own experience in a similar incident in 2006.

“In my case, it was just your regular old Iranian sikoteen.” Referring to a ubiquitous brand of a domesticated adhesive, “this is something entirely new, the exoskeleton is entirely rigid and immovable.”

“This seems to be growing worse by the year.” former interim prime minister Iyad Allawi admitted resignedly. During his term, Mr. Allawi had refused to succumb to the warmth of the object, a fact all the more admirable considering the exile’s sizable girth.

“We have to get to the bottom of this.” The London-based doctor warned ominously.

Sticky bottoms pose significant health risks to Iraqi statesmen, research shows. All Iraqi statesmen who proved at a disadvantage to detach their derriers once in their lifetime met disturbing demises. The last known case of which, a simple farmer from Tikrit suffered a most horrendous death worthy of a videogame fatality.

As experts continue to probe the perplexing configuration now in the vicinity of Mr. al-Maliki’s otherwise benign sphincter, talks ensue in Iraq and the surrounding regions to seek remedies to the solution.

Mr. Ahmed al-Chalabi, a wily politician and proctologist often described as sporting a “shit-eating” grin, is reportedly in Iran to discuss a resolve to the predicament.

A spokesman for kingmaker and firebrand cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, whose front and rear ends are often touted as “interchangeable”, declined comment.