Monday, May 28, 2007

Arabs Created The First Reality Show In History

Who is your dream girl? Not the name you casually toss after a period of thinking when someone asks you the question, but the one you never tell anyone about and you do all your secret weird fetishes with in your dreams? Do you have her in your mental image? Nicole Kidman? Okay. Focus. Close your eyes, now, imagine you just managed to have the best of impressions on her on a dream date...and you're going back to her apartment. Now, instead of Nicole taking off all her clothes and doing unprintable things, she tells you to hang on, goes to the kitchen, closes the door, then after 10 minutes, she comes back smiling with a warm glass of milk, sits near you, and tells you to 'drink it', you are doing all you can for keeping that glossy vibe going, but there's something un-sexual about her smile, more caring than loving, anyway you do not hesitate as you drink the unavoidable milk and tells her it is so delicious,

"MMMMMM! Very different! is this the milk of some special goat?"

and, Nicole says, unflinched: "Special goat all right, this is my breast milk."


One time when we were crashing at a friend's house, late at 1 AM, calling random girl numbers, he told us that the best way to get rid of a crush that is ruining your life is to picture the targeted hatta having an unglamorous big dump with all the appropriate sound effects, I suspect the guy was a fecalphilliac, but his method worked anyway for a while until things became more grossy than any episode of South Park involving Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo. However, I think Dr. Izzat Attiyeh of the Oral narration department in al-Azhar university may have just provided us with the best solution.

"Dr. Izzat Attiyah, head of Oral Narration department in the university of Religion Fundamentals in al-Azhar university, dropped a bomb when he allowed women in a working environment to breastfeed their male co-workers, to prevent prohibited presence of them both together alone in a locked room whose door is opened by only one of them. Attiyah confirmed to that "Breastfeeding the Adult" consists of five breastfeeds, and it permits presence together alone but does not prevent marriage, and the woman can take off her veil in front of her breast-fed co-worker, demanding of course that the feed be documented."

This method is brilliant!!! I tried all the women I can think of and I could not think of trying to make love to any one of them after they will offer me a glass of warm milk that is nurtured motherly from their loving chests.

If that is not enough for you, try this for size:
It is a known fact that Iraqis invented the wheel, code of laws, arabs invented mathematics, algebra, the zero, without which you could not buy anything as simple as Britney's Spears fart in a container off e-Bay, the internet-shopping site which I am sure we played a hand in creating but the Jews took all the credit as always, and of course, that William Harvey chap did not discover the blood circulation system, but he ripped it off from our very-proud-diaper-head Ibn al-Nafis. If that is not enough truth that we can kick your asses any minte we can, infidels, then know this...we are the ones who have created the first format of a reality show in the history of mankind way back in the early 7th century. You think Jackass is novelty? Fear Factor? Har. You are so backward:

"The Grand Mufti of Egypt, Ali Jum'aa, defended his edict regarding the prophet's urine, in which he stated that the companions of the prophet used to take blessings with it, by saying that the prophet is pure as the whole, on the outside and the inside, and even in his refuse, adding that this is the overall census of all the prominent Islamic scholars."

Wow! Vote for your favorite candidate today, who will be dropped off today's show? who will not be able to pass the urine test? Is it young Ali Talib, gruff'n'loud Umar Khattab, or old'n'soft Bakr Quhafa? SMS 2034 Fastlink, 2035 Umnia.

(upbeat music)

The thing I've always liked about my religion is that it supposedly draws a striking line to attaching any divinity to the personality of the prophet through non-negotiable Quranic verses "Mohammed is but a messenger, and messengers before him are many...", or any other saints, as opposed to Christianity for example, or the Shiite sect of Islam, however statements like the ones made by the mufti, highlighted in such a problematic fashion at this advanced age, makes us both prone to glorifiying the prophet as a semi-divine being the ways Sufis do, or looking like complete brainwipes in front of the modern world. They are both wrong and unnecessary.

As for the breastfeeding thing, all jokes aside, since this subject has issues which might be considered outrageous, I feel it is necessary to give you a more serious commentary on the subject, a lot of the articles I read in response were mere outrage without proper background or knowledge, like Anarki-13 for example, I researched all I could find on the topic and found the following:
Prof. Izzat Attiya is not a sex fiend as some (a lot) of people have said, his proof on the matter was thus: all the Sunni scholars, prophet companions, and wives of the prophet except Aisha, prohibit breastfeeding after the child becomes over two years. The scholars cite a number of evidence from both Quran and oral prophet narration, unnecessary to include for the sake of brevity, Aisha, however says that it is okay to breastfeed a man after that in certain instances. For proof, she relates this narration: "Sahla bint Suhail came to the prophet, and told him: O Prophet of God, I see unease in the face of Abu Hudhaifa (her husband) when Salim enters while I am present, the prophet said: Breastfeed him. She said: How, and he is old of age? The Prophet smiled and said: I know that he is."
Salim was an enslaved child of Abu Hudhaifa during war, Islam prohibits adoption, so his relation to Abu Hudhaifa's household therefore became as foreign as any man to any family when he grows up. By breastfeeding him, she becomes his mother-in-breastfeeding, this type of relationship allows a woman to uncover her hair with someone and to be alone with him. It forbids her to marry him, too. The other wives of the prophets disagreed with Aisha over this particular instance, saying that it may have been a particular case that is not fit to be a general rule, in any case, the breastfeeding narration is solely narrated by Aisha, it is worth mentioning that nobody knows for sure how old Salim really was in the narration, he might have been 4 or five, also, if you look rationally at the laws of Islam, which places severe restrictions on women's dress and what things she must expose, it is almost unthinkable that what is meant by 'breastfeeding' is actual delicious nipple-sucking, scholars say that she gives him her milk in a glass or container. This particular narration was the subject of minor controversy for a long time. During my days of Sunni-Shiite crusade, I found that it is often used by Shiites to slander Aisha, the prophet's wife who is the narrator, it is also used by Christians every now and then. The problem is not in the narration itself, an obscure text that was not practiced by other companions or wives of the prophet, and rejected by almost all of the Sunni scholars. It is in the inappropriate manner the edict was handled by Prof. Attiya, who did not comprehend the enormous impact of such a carefree edict, issued in circumstances different to today's both socially incompatible and globally uncomprehending standards, I mean for God's sake, just open the door of your solitary work environment and the problem will end! This also applies to the other preposterous edict by the Mufti of Egypt, as where is the prophet's urine now so that this fuss be made over it? Overall, it's lame. It's not important, and there are a lot more important subjects to tackle than this tits-and-piss biz. It is funny, really, how much do they focus on such trivialities! Look at this brilliant caricature which I stole from my favorite site of late, and translated by moi:

Anyway, I think after all I could use all this to my advantage, by a stroke of luck, I got an unofficial job interview tomorrow, I am really excited, not for the prospect of landing a job so soon but for all the titties I am gonna jihad-suck on, so help me god.

Friday, May 25, 2007

CCNA and dating in Jordan

I was busy studying for my CCNA finals which I finished this week, I got 987 out of 1000. Naturally, this absence resulted in a lot of ideas for this blog, which might prove somewhat different. Anyway, I am a Cisco Certified Network Associate now, thank you ladies, all I have to do is find a job now. Getting a job in Jordan is highly difficult for Iraqis, as is everything else. On other personal news, I was interviewed for getting a 'G' passport about one week ago, I am supposed to get it next month. I have heard so much about this mythical document, so I wonder what will happen if I got it, maybe things will never be the same again. Also, I never knew I was that striking, two weeks ago, my dentist's Palestinian secretary started flirting with me, I wasn't used to it and she wasn't that cute. I met an Iraqi girl living in Jordan online, and three days later we hung out on a 'date', she was very strange - first she was one year older than me, and second she took me to all those empty places where I could do whatever I felt like if I wanted to, and third her style of dress was very conservative. After the date, she came online and said: 'what do u think if someone like you was 'engaged' to someone like me. Unfortunately she wasn't that cute either and her shameless begging for it made me disrespect her in no small amount, I kept turning her down for three times and she still calls me every once in a while. To top it off, I was waiting at the bus stop the other day for a bus at 7:30 PM in a cloudy cold evening with another man. After 10 minutes the dude, who was dressed neatly and had shaved his head, started pacing to and fro around me, in the end he offered me a cigarette and then said politely in an Iraqi accent: 'Want a job?'
I paused. 'What kind of job, friend?'
He paused. 'Come up to my appartment with me and I will tell you everything in an hour's time.'
Huh? What the hell? 'Why don't u you just tell me here friend.'
'I know what you mean' at this point some white car drove up to him, and he was prepared to get inside it, polite and slender as only non-heterosexual Iraqis can be, he continued 'but you won't understand what I am talking about and why I can't tell you right here until you meet my supervisor.'
I didn't know orgies had supervisors. Hey, I got a CCNA, maybe I can be your orgy's IT manager. 'No thank you', for a moment, a fleeting impulse that craved a break from the daily routine and sought adventure told me to go ride with him and see what happens, but the dude was too big for me and I don't think I could have outsmarted him or outfought him if things turn prissypants - and he might have had other means for which I am no match.
Iraqis also make fun of Jordan as 'Lot's People', as a slander because homosexuality is supposedly persistent around here, and also because maybe I think the anicent city of Lot is there, anyway, it is a little bit depressing and telling that the first gay man I meet in Jordan is a well-fed Iraqi.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Adhamiya Wall Paintings?

BAGHDAD, al-ADHAMIYA: Several artists used the wall built around al-Adhamiya city by US forces as a canvas for their paintings. My grandfather will be proud.
Beautiful. and creative, I like it.
UPDATE:My gut insisted for a second that it was weird that those painting would spring up in the land of Baathies and al-Qaeda, who as I hear are killing people for sins such as wearing shorts or smoking cigarettes, what about drawing infidel art, anonymous dude commented here saying it's in Sa3doon Street, while his report is unverified it makes more common sense to me there than Adhamiya. Adhamiya is a rough neighborhood with a mentality that shuns art (and this kind of art is usually negliglble for most Iraqis anyway).

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The Answer

Pro-Withdrawal are people who are either:
1. Baathists remembering the good old days,
2. al-Qaeda lusting for a new state,
3. Common Arab and Iraqi people who simply follow Islamic Rule of Thumb regarding the matter: America Bad, America Go Away
4. sectarain Sunnis who hate to see Shia in power and consider them worse than Jews,
5. Sectarain Shiite who wants to have it all
6. or hopeless pessimists who see no use in them staying and just wanting them to leave and get the civil war out in the open, their theory is as this:

As you all know, the occupation is the source of all problems, their existence attracts violence and complicates matters, when America goes away, al-Qaeda will follow, because al-Qaeda is an alien product and it follows America wherever it is, there might be a civil war but it will not last as those who came with the Americans will go out with them and the Iraqi people can choose a true patriotic hero.

I really cannot follow the logic behind this. Yes the occupation MIGHT be problematic, but this is simply mere excuses for wanting to restore things back to where they were. If USA leaves, al-Qaeda will never leave because it has the Shia to kill and it has a very lovely Islamic State of Iraq. The Resistance (lol) will step up their efforts to reclaim what is rightfully theirs, and with the great possibility of all-out proxy war, it just can take years and years as I know very well that Iraqis on their own won't accept compromise. This will take years to solve until everybody realizes how much deep in blood we're swimming. Most likely outcome is a very artificial state that is all but divided in the real sense. Bloggers like this are Riverbend, who was already against the occupation from the beginning but was trying hard all the way to look without prejudice, Jarrar family, who are Palestinians and therefore instantly worship Saddam.

Anti-Withdrawal are

1. Normal Iraqis who are afraid of possible worsening of the condition
2. People who still believe in freedom and democracy, those are a very tiny minority

Things can go much, much worse. As I outlined above, this theory has more common sense, but all in all it's also laborious and slow and I don't think the US public can stomach it any longer, it's getting a lot like Vietnam and we all know what that means in US consciousness.

All in all, it's a very confusing scene. People, both Iraqi and American, are growing extremely pessimistic, whatever happens, there is a huge possibility that we will be back to zero and more than that, a tyrannical regime(s) firmly in place and feeding on sectarain sentiments on either side, I don't miss Saddam's times, as there was no color to life then and nobody was happy, even though they do not admit it right now, and I will not fix wrong by wrong no matter what, don't you wish it were just like the movies, where the bad guys could be identified just by a look, it is not like this all. Whatever happens, Iraq's chance of recovery is incredibly slim, maybe it's just best to let the troops out and let the war begins, cuz we're all so very tired.