Friday, March 24, 2006

The Day I Tried To Go Home...

Thursday, March 23 2006

We are on the outskirts of Adhamiya, THE Sunni territory in Baghdad, largely Shiite National Guard have installed deployments on its outskirts, a convoy of three police cars, filled with members of the notorious Interior ministry forces, arrive and is stopped by the National Guard].

INTERIOR POLICE CAPT : I demand to enter the area
NATIONAL GUARD : You do not have jurisdiction here.
INTERIOR POLICE CAPT: You do not tell me what I have and do not have, we have business to do and we will do it whether you like it or not.
NATIONAL GUARD CAPT: We have an agreement with these guys, we do not enter and they do not hit us, You will not enter.
INTERIOR POLICE CAPT. : Them? We shall enter the place and kill them to the last Jihadist, Fuck them, and their mothers and daughters, we will go in there and tear up their asses, and rape down their mothers and sisters in every house.

[INTERIOR POLICE CAPT. shoots three bullets near NATIONAL GUARD CAPT's feet]

NATIONAL GUARD CAPT. : You did this...okay, then please step right ahead, but I should warn you, they are monsters.

[INTERIOR CAPT. rides up his car and the three vehicles progress onward, NATIONAL GUARD CAPT. waits for a bit and then goes to MUJHADEEN, telling them of what happened]

MUJAHEDIEEN : Take your troops and leave the area.

a Kia filled with sleep-deprived college students is lazily trotting in a quarter of Adhamiya notorious for its high insurgency factor, in the Kia, KONFUSED KID sits near the driver's seat, pretending to read for yet another exam, a pose he's been doing these whole two weeks, the narrow steets are filled with masked men holding checkpoints]

KONFUSED KID : Something's not right.
KIA DRIVER, a young dude the same age as KONFUSED: Them are just leftovers from yesterday's nightwatch.
KONFUSED KID: True, but why are they all masked?
KIA DRIVER (ponders) : Yesterday 13 returning visitors from Karabala were killed in Amriya....probably it connects....
On the way to college, the Kia drives by, TANTAL, a guy in the same department as Kid's, but has a different ride - the two exchange waves.
SCENE : College, 2pm apx.
(TANTAL's phone rings, it's his mother)

TANTAL's MOM : Hello Sweety Tantal, listen, do not, at ALL costs, attempt to return back home today, it's very dangerous right now and bullets are flying everwhichways, explosions are on a minute basis, please, please, return to your aunt's house in Palestine Street. is that okay?TANTAL : Okay.
nearby, KID is met by two people in his line : a guy, JIDIDA and a girl, JUBBA.
JIDIDA : Hey Kid, line's not coming, says he's got car trouble or something...KID : Oh...(looks at JUBBA, who confirms), I guess we'd all have to take a taxi then...
the three pick up their stuff and head back home to Adhamiya.while on taxi, JUBBA's mom calls - tells her daughter not to come back to Adhamiya cuz it's a slaughterhouse right now, the girl has no place to go and tells the mother she's with two guys from her line, Mother grudgingly accepts the fact but tells JUBBA to be careful, and to most importantly stay out of the main roads. JIDIDA makes phone calls for most of the trip, KID - always broke and never caring, is unpetrubed - he sits near the driver and hums to the radio.

SCENE :The roads today were conspicously straightforward, we now are overlooking THE BRIDGE leading to Adhamiya, police forces have completely blocked out the entrance and prevented even people from going across.The other side of the bridge looks promising - smoke rising from several different places, gunshots, minor explosions here and there...

KID : Sounds like Fun day.
The three step out of the taxi.
JIDIDA (to passerby) : Hey, how can we get in there? is Kadhum route open?
PASSERBY : Closed, so is Kassra's, everything is blocked out nowadays.
JIDIDA makes several phone calls at once, JUBBA is infected by his workmanship and does so too.
JIDIDA is flustered, he sits on the pavement.
KID takes a picture of JIDIDA, shows it to JUBBA.
Although JIDIDA seems to lead the scene right now with his businessman like-nervousness and phone calls and KID has kept to himself most of the day,
JUBBA always dicusses things with KID. KID wonders why...

KID : you have no place else to stay?
JUBBA : no. My uncle's in Jihad Quarter, and things are worse there.
KID : Then I guess we'd have to walk you home
JUBBA : You don't really have to
KID : What can we do anyway, all roads are blocked.

After a while, people are finally allowed to cross the bridge at their own risk, the three decide to take their chances, JUBBA's house is at the district just left of the bridge, once the boys get to drop JUBBA home they can be move more they move near the guards, JIDIDA asks :

JIDIDA : Can we get through?
GUARD is apparently slightly annoyed : Sure, at your own risk.
ANOTHER GUARD, more hippety-hop : Where you wanna go?
JIDIDA : Sifeena(Both guards exchange mocking looks)
ANOTHER GUARD : You'd need a boat, my friend.
KID : What's going on, anyway?
ANOTHER GUARD (with a smile) : Our guys versus yours, you know

The guards were friendly enough, as the three are halfway the bridge, the rucus, which have been quiet for a while, suddenly cracks big to life again - in Technicolor, multiple shots are fired and car sirens bellow somewhere close to where they are heading right now...the three make jokes about death, the atmosphere is tense joking, especially for JIDIDA, who's about to they close on the area, the place is absoultely devoid of any human being at first - a ghost town, an ambulance car whizzes by quickly amidst the backdrop of gunshots. At any minute, a car full of gunmen could pass by and shoot the three stone cold.The street is lined up with shells.
JUBBA : As soon as we near the area, we can go into my friend's house, hers is the first in the sidestreet.
JIDIDA : What are we ever going to do? My father says on the phone the biggest problem is between Sifeena and our houses.
JUBBA : We can stay there until things quiet down, or even our house.JIDIDA is uncomfortable with the idea of hassling girls ; KID senses this and reminds him
KID : Hey dude, you forgot that we got friends here? both JESUS and MAHDI have houses here.
JIDIDA is relieved, JUBBA is a little disappointed.
Once the three enter the actual sidestreets of the area, signs of life begin to show up in volumes, all the usual kids are out on the street, some of them obliviously out of sync exchanging porn pictures on Bluetooth. they decide on continuting the trip to JUBBA's house, a little deeper inside the area.
The three are met with glances, JUBBA is a girl of the area and the two strangers with her merit some explanation.
JUBBA finally gets home, she invites them for a sip of water as a thank-you, KID wanted to give in but he was interrupted by JIDIDA's nervous no-thank-you before he could open mouth.
the two go to JESUS's house, a guy with them in the Kia but didn't go to college that day. JESUS is not christian, they just like to call him that

The street of JESUS is filled with masked men holding AK-47s.
a man talks to one of the masked men
MAN : Yo Mohammed, take off the masks, Americans are patrolling Jirdaagh street...
MASKED MAN doesn't answer, three other masked men arrive, a car finally picks them up all and heads off somewhereJIDIDA almost pisses his pants at the sight.
JIDIDA : Who are these guys?
KID : Probably Mujahideen of the area
JIDIDA : Goddamn.
The two ring up JESUS's house, after 10 tense minutes, JESUS appears, apparently just awoken up.
SCENE :Jesus's House, Hour later.
Food is on the table, Jesus does the role of hospitable host very well, urging the two to stay the night here until things quiet down. JIDIDA is strongly opposing the idea, talking about what if Americans patrol the area at night and takes us as detainees and what of these crazy-ass Mujahedeen out there? He continues making phone calls throughout, KID also calls his grandmother, TA'IFFIYA, who tells him to stay put.KID is still unconcerned, JESUS is almost dying of insistence to make the two stay, and JIDIDA is dying to get home.
KID : So what if we got searched, plus, you are Shiite, we are the Sunni folk, we gotta be afraid, not you, What if we can't go home, man? Plus, I think you wanna go home because of the rumorsJIDIDA : about waht?KID : About Jesus's sexualityJESUS looks at JIDIDA sidelong glance, the three burst out laughing.
KID and JESUS try to strip JIDIDA while he is talking to his pop on the phone.
in the end, JIDIDA's brother rendez-vous with JIDIDA at the tip of the bridge, just where the taxi guy dropped them, as the two walk out, much to the opposition of JESUS and his pop, BIG JESUS.
Both men are very tired and worn out, hair in disarray, looking like shit and smelling like piss.
a taxi man comes out of nowhere, and asks them : Why is the road closed?The two look at each other, nobody bothers to answer.
JIDIDA's brother awaits them in a 4x4 as promised.
Finally, KID is dropped off at his house at 5:30 PM.

And so here I am, back home after one of the most troublesome days I've yet met - made more intense by JIDIDA's incessant fears and nagging.Today I was utterly and truly convinced of the helplessness of the political game, I lost faith again in keeping interest, true, I love my coutnry and I wish the best for it, and I may have been more optimistic in the past - much to the admiration of those stupid clueless Americans who just want someone to assert their legality of the war - FUCK THE EXCUSE, the country is falling apart, people, it takes strong strong wills to have more faith in this country, look everywhere on the blogosphere, hope is quickly dying...I just wanna swear my ass off at this horrible mess we've deteroriated into, it is now impossible, I tell you, impossible not to think of sectarian terms, as people are being divided into Sunni and Shiite territories, things do not look very promising. Six months earlier, I didn't even know what the word 'sectarian' meant in English, after a death of a close family friend by Badr, I became aware of the danger, but I shrugged it off as something that cannot ferment a long-standing unity, but today, it is amazing how little evil work can change a belief so quickly - these days, every person I meet, there's a little voice inside me that wants to know if he's Sunni or Shiite, I've become hatefully familiar with all the discrmiminations between Sunni and Shiite and how to tell who's who (names, areas, clothings, rings, vocal intonations)...All out Brother-against-brother Civil War? why the hell not....
The only place I feel free of these constraints is in college, most of my friends there are Shiite from southern governorates, and some of them are actually UIA-affiliated, they are also the nicest people - we spend our days talking girls and laughing head-over-heels, but when you get back to your repsective Sunni/Shiite territory, things are a lot different.
Well well, what to do, I guess I'll turn up Metallica's 'Mercyful Fate' and revel in swearing it all away as a last resort of an insecure teenage dude who's weak with words..
[hip-hop backup beat]
F**k You
F**k Me
F**k Sunni
F**k Shiite
F**k Iraq
F**k USA
F**k Allys
Stupid Mothafa'in' Politicans

oh, btw, if anyone cares to know, I no longer am troubled by Allys, she took a hike with her rich ugly-as-mutt ex-boyfriend again, I still love her, but now seeds of a mercyful hate have finally arisen - I think I'll get past this soon enough.

"What's so civil about war anyway?" - Axl Rose

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Redemption Of The Devil

I have refrained from writing from so long despite a flood of ideas sparked by the increased interest in my blog, this is because I'm so sad these days, this post is personal and could be admittedly boring, as I will treat you as my psychiatrist. You have been warned like hell so don't flame in the comments.I have been wanting to write about this for some time, it now has reached the point of no return. I have no one to talk this really well but my blog, so there, please bear with me.

First, let us address matters unresolved since my past post. I looked upon this idiotic outburst of mine with a mixed sense of personal regret and professional integrity - I have not tampered any of my emotions in writing the post and has therfore suffered some social problems with my friends, I apologize tremednously for both Z and A13, come on dudes, both of you know that I did not attack you personally - as both of you have enriched my blogging experience in ways more than I can divulge here...sorry, sorry dudes, your point of view was completely rational and reasonable, not to mention accurately portarying the sense of despair that haunts all Iraqis and wastes no time freaking out given the chance. Sorry again, I take back my swears...fuck you? kcuf uoy...see, Anarki? the curse is now lifted, these things in the backs of your asses have been lifted and you can walk the earth again as normal, God-abiding bloggers.
People have accused Zeyad of succumbing to the wishes of the dark mistress of giving the people what they want : doom and gloom of the Iraqi situation, based on his experience in the NY Times.

This is so far from the truth...people! first off, Zeyad was one least interested in the NY project from the Five of us, he only submitted three articles and often expressed to me his annoyance with the limitations of the project. Me, on the other hand, was so keen on the project going as far as to write seven posts...It is true that Zeyad applies a sort of criteria in his posts to choose what interest people most, but that does not compromise his integrity - on the other hand, I, Kid, can be accused of these crimes much more - My last posts were politically inclined, hereby failing a resolution I made on my first post. I have succumbed to what makes the people tick to the world of blogging, which have been getting me into philosophical meditiations on what the purpose of my blog should be focsued upon (more on this in later posts), my traffic have increased twofold, and this is why I want to take my 15 minutes to break the cycle of giving you what you want and endlessly torture you with my own demons, hereby I like to address a somewhat personal issue that's been bugging me for several months now. This blog was and still is largely personal in nature, I intend to keep it that way...

As a 20-yr-old college student, my main interest in life wasn't politics, nor the future of Iraq, but chicas...pretty much like everyone else...Something happened in past December that, I think, will tremendously affect my personality in the time to come :
The girl in question was floating in my mind for some time now, but it was always in the back of my mind, amongst a sea of other girls who often took the spotlight, it was the battlefield of tits and asses found in pretty much all horny collegeboys', this girl was in the back of my mind because there nothing sexually elusive about her for me, I liked for somewhat different reasons...I didn't know what they were at the time, I wish I never knew.

I had a friend, call her Nadia, she was a common friend between me and the girl, let's call the girl Allys, Nadia was quite a close friend of mine, she dug rock and roll and would often freely express opinions regarding boys, sex, drugs, lesbians, u name it...she was bascially a boy in a skirt and I always talked to her that once I told her I kinda like that Allys friend of hers, and one day Nadia came to me and told me that she told Allys about her secret admirer and she said Allys told her to bring him on, several days later, she managed to introduce us...except it was an awfully embarrassing tete-a-tete, you see, Nadia had a grudge on me since I once told this guy she likes him a lot, so she introduced me to her and her to me then told her outright that I am 'dragging myself on the ground for her'...if I wasn't in it, I would've laughed my ass off - but lo! Allys managed to maintain a cold neutral face during the whole ordeal, and I could see our rendez-vous would be short-lived...except...
I could feel the tingling sensation build up in my heart, It was a feeling of purity I have never experienced, I've had my share of crushes and a long-term relationship, and I can tell you, this feeling is not a product of mutual understanding, common interests, or whatever crap people name for themselves - I'm talking about this feeling that you suddenly experience out of the blue and cannot have a grip or control over, the movie-love effect, the cupid-arrow : in my past relationship, I used to often duke it out with myself for about 15 minutes to convince myself that the feeling I had inside myself could be interpreted as something resembling honest emotion when I knew deep inside my confines it is the simple loneliness of the manly spirit...this, my friends, is different, it begins from the left auricle of your heart and spreads around your blood cycle...I never ever believed such a stupid legend could exist, but let me tell you, Haneen, Instant-Love is very very true, it's also very, very, very, very painful.
Early on, my burden was small, it hadn't deteroriated into what it is today, I managed to hide it pretty efficiently, bumping into her every chance I can and mumble sweet how-you-dos, I was encourgaed by her positive feedback, it seems that the earlier embarrassement of the introdcution has faded in the subsequent two weeks (and the Eid holiday), anyway, I started talking to her more extensively - walking with her to her line once and then talking her for 15 minutes on the other, both experiences were very encouraging - she knew what I wanted from her and showed me no reservations. Aloha, my feeling became more pronounced over the days, it boiled and boiled until I could not take it any more, I went over to her one day, she was wakling with her friend, Nameless Hijab Girl, and told her this :
'Hi, Allys'
'Hello, Kid, want chips?' offering me a bag she was carrying
'No, thank you, How do u do, Nameless Hijab?'
'Where've you been?'
(hesitates) 'Lab'
'Erm, I want to talk to you for a few minutes is that ok?'
(mischievous knowning smile)
Nameless : 'So I guess u want privacy then?' she said privacy in English...
'Yes, please'
'very well'....

'You're looking pretty today' this was the first remark of its kind I ever told her, no response, just this mischievious smile...she knew what was going on, but she never expected this next line,

'Allys, I love you'

Similarly, I never expected the reaction, she laughed her eyes out, I felt only the stupid knee-jerk reaction of machismo inner satisifaction for making a girl laugh, although it was not in my interest now...I started mumbling for a few seconds before finding my way...I bascially told her that I didn't want to tell her this so soon but I couldn't take it anymore, I don't know how or why this happened but I had to tell you and you can do whatever you want with it, I'm talking seriously about this and I do not want any sort of adolescent horseplay, I just ripped myself out.

'Listen, Kid, you're younger than I am'

This was kinda expected...the matter of age is a well-known dilemma in our culture, hell, even the Western ones...but she was only 6 months's just not fair that half of these years are in a differnt year...
basically, she worked me out a real nice letdown , telling me that many people came before me and she refused them all, so it's better to keep us as friends, which I rejected on basis of lying to myself and her, and told her that I'd try again tomorrow cuz the sky was cloudy today or some foolish other joke, giving in to her warm friendlieness.
Anyway, on any given girl, I would've stopped right there, a man's ego is an amazing holy place, it must not be run in the mud, except that I found myself willing to sacrifice that innocent lamb in the name of that most wicked Imam, Ayatollah Love.

Nadia told me that she phoned her on the same day, and Allys told her that she felt sad cuz she broke my heart and she was nervous etc etc, she told her that I was cute but short (which is really weird, considering she's far far shorter than I am), and also younger, and that she wanted to focus on her studyNadia told me in the end that after much talks Allys finaly alluded that she might agree if there is a marriage, which enlivened my hopes a little, she greeted me with a beautiful smile the next day for the first time, which was encouraging too...
But the pain, the wound of insecurity, have already been ripped open and have started to bleed like hell...
I maintained a nonchalant chit-chat for the few next days, until Valentine's Day...
I wrote Nadia a poem and told her to SMS it to her on Valentine's Day, 12:00 am, Nadia didn't do this so I had to write it on a piece of paper and give it to her one week later, the poem was a simple five-line two-verse with an easy-as-peanuts hidden word :

Sadly eloquent
Awaiting destiny
Like a half-moon
Lilting its purity
Yearning for completion...

She laughed when I told her

And took me by surprise
Like an Egyptian kitten
Legacies in her eyes
Yonders my wandering spirit...

The evil that stupid boys do for love, indeed....

at the final moment, I changed legacies to 'ladybugs', remembering an incident that happened when I was talking to her when a small bug entered her eye.

Nadia came to me shortly afterwards, frowning, she said that at the moment when she told Allys what is the piece of paper is in her hand, Allys immediately cited her disapproval, refusing even to read it, she wanted to throw it but Nadia told her about the word and she reconsidered, anyway, Nadia said that she was strongly rejective this time around -

'hey...why? isn't he cute?

''no he's not'

'but you..'


'he's got lovely eyes..'

'no, who are you talking about?'

or something like this...
The next day, I noticed how hard she tried to avoid me, changing walking paths and all...
Why is this? Had something happened while I was away? perhaps a treacherous friend...perhaps a more composed state of mind? I interpreted the first response as the sponatneous outburst, this was either pre-calculated to be summoned at my next attempt or an embarrasement of the verse - fearing that If she takes it then it would be an outright acceptance of me.
Anyway, I never gave up hope.

Come February 22 and the dome of Samarra goes poof! we leave college for a week, I spent the week eager, but found my eagerness mercifully dissolving as the week got longer...could this mean that this was just a stupid flight of fancy that I could easily counter?

No such thing, the moment I saw her again, everything came back crashing down on me again...
So now I sit here writing this to you while I should be reading for my final exams, which should be coming next Wedensday, and guess what, I don't feel the least bit bad about it - because though may I smile and say yes, laugh at jokes and engage in mindless trivalities, I feel as if the WORLD - the collective SurroundSound universe, has been drenched and submerged in Sepia - It's like an old movie i've seen a dozen times...My sister, seeing my predicament, asked me why the hell should I pass myself through all this trouble for a person who's probably not deserving of all this attention, and raised an eyebrow when I told her that I love her - she said you should be hating her from the topmost hair to the final big toe for this...
What my sister, and all my friends, do not know - is that when the thing happened, I felt something different, something I did not feel for a long time and I am 100% sure of it - it was a reconnection with the old days of childhood, an innocence I long long sought to hide under pretence of seeking companionship with the big boys - the real world. I have lost it for so long and I do not think I can find it again that easily, ever, I cannot afford to be lost again. In my psychological development as human being, there was only one incident which could be pointed at to mark a transition, the day I wrote 'bitch' on a quiz paper and submitted it to my English teacher when I was 15 years old - a sign that I have completely abandoned my nerdy outfit into a callous, calculated state of shit-eating smirky grins and adolescent rebellion. Today I don't know what's happening to me, but I can tell you that a second transgression is about.
I have been in a long-term relationship that lasted 15 months, the girl loved me, she made me a guitar-shaped cake with my initials on my birthday without me even asking about it

- and maybe I thought that I love her too, but today I see that I did not - nothing can blind the truth when it dawns, maybe God is putting me through all this as a punishment for my trickery of the poor woman's heart. I don't know, all I know is, what I felt was a genuine lightness that opened hallways I've long tried to find but always seemed to lose - those of truth, good-will and most importantly innocence. Allys is with me wherever i go in some way, and I still haven't thought of her in any bad way from Day 1, and whenever I see her I just stare, for a long time, bringing back memories of a song I hated to death :

'Now and then when I see her face

She takes me away to that special place

and If I stare too long

I'd probably break down and cry

Her eyes remind me of a warm safe place

Where, as a child I'd hide

and pray for the thunder and rainto quietly pass me by'
- Guns N Roses, Sweet Child Of Mine

Axl Rose was right, fucking right...

Some people find redemption through charity, others in adopting kids from African wastelands, and still others through blowing themselves up in hopes of getting there on time for lunch at The Prophet's Restaruant, Heaven. I, have decidedly figured out what makes me pristine, and it was something I spent my whole past life regarding with denial, suspicion and a cosmic joke - something The Creator put in us to urge reproduction.
My dear friends, it is not.
I don't know what will happen now, but just like the guy in Woman On Top (movie), I ain't gonna stop till I get what I have.

THe other day I was sitting alone in my room, pretending to be doing work on my B.Sc. project but actually thinking about her, when a song came out on the MP3 setlist, I hate Arabic songs, but this one struck a very sensitive nerve - a song by Shereen called 'Ala Bali (On my mind)', the song has a delicate, slow-motion torture that conjures an image of a bucket of hot sulfuric acid being poured down on a naked person in very slow bullettime, the way the skin melts afterwards is the essence of this song, I considered for a minute, before finally deciding to surrender to my ocean of turbulent emotions, I made sure no one is around, and let it out.
I cried, a short but extremely cathartic wallowing like Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt It's been a very long time since I last did so.I don't care what you'll think about me after this, I just want my soul complete...fuck you very much.

To sum it up, the following picture is a representation of my state right now, I like this picture, because my own interpretation of it (and I think it is the right interpretation) is very well hidden from what it seems to be when you first see it you'd think it is a metaphor for evil rape or something, when actually it is the Devil who's in sumbission here, despite the sexual implication of the devil's hand on the girl's lass - one look on his face will truly reveal what this pic is all about.
The shaytaan has found redemption, and surrendered.

p.s. thx, Z!