Saturday, March 18, 2006

Redemption Of The Devil

I have refrained from writing from so long despite a flood of ideas sparked by the increased interest in my blog, this is because I'm so sad these days, this post is personal and could be admittedly boring, as I will treat you as my psychiatrist. You have been warned like hell so don't flame in the comments.I have been wanting to write about this for some time, it now has reached the point of no return. I have no one to talk this really well but my blog, so there, please bear with me.

First, let us address matters unresolved since my past post. I looked upon this idiotic outburst of mine with a mixed sense of personal regret and professional integrity - I have not tampered any of my emotions in writing the post and has therfore suffered some social problems with my friends, I apologize tremednously for both Z and A13, come on dudes, both of you know that I did not attack you personally - as both of you have enriched my blogging experience in ways more than I can divulge here...sorry, sorry dudes, your point of view was completely rational and reasonable, not to mention accurately portarying the sense of despair that haunts all Iraqis and wastes no time freaking out given the chance. Sorry again, I take back my swears...fuck you? kcuf uoy...see, Anarki? the curse is now lifted, these things in the backs of your asses have been lifted and you can walk the earth again as normal, God-abiding bloggers.
People have accused Zeyad of succumbing to the wishes of the dark mistress of giving the people what they want : doom and gloom of the Iraqi situation, based on his experience in the NY Times.

This is so far from the truth...people! first off, Zeyad was one least interested in the NY project from the Five of us, he only submitted three articles and often expressed to me his annoyance with the limitations of the project. Me, on the other hand, was so keen on the project going as far as to write seven posts...It is true that Zeyad applies a sort of criteria in his posts to choose what interest people most, but that does not compromise his integrity - on the other hand, I, Kid, can be accused of these crimes much more - My last posts were politically inclined, hereby failing a resolution I made on my first post. I have succumbed to what makes the people tick to the world of blogging, which have been getting me into philosophical meditiations on what the purpose of my blog should be focsued upon (more on this in later posts), my traffic have increased twofold, and this is why I want to take my 15 minutes to break the cycle of giving you what you want and endlessly torture you with my own demons, hereby I like to address a somewhat personal issue that's been bugging me for several months now. This blog was and still is largely personal in nature, I intend to keep it that way...

As a 20-yr-old college student, my main interest in life wasn't politics, nor the future of Iraq, but chicas...pretty much like everyone else...Something happened in past December that, I think, will tremendously affect my personality in the time to come :
The girl in question was floating in my mind for some time now, but it was always in the back of my mind, amongst a sea of other girls who often took the spotlight, it was the battlefield of tits and asses found in pretty much all horny collegeboys', this girl was in the back of my mind because there nothing sexually elusive about her for me, I liked for somewhat different reasons...I didn't know what they were at the time, I wish I never knew.

I had a friend, call her Nadia, she was a common friend between me and the girl, let's call the girl Allys, Nadia was quite a close friend of mine, she dug rock and roll and would often freely express opinions regarding boys, sex, drugs, lesbians, u name it...she was bascially a boy in a skirt and I always talked to her that once I told her I kinda like that Allys friend of hers, and one day Nadia came to me and told me that she told Allys about her secret admirer and she said Allys told her to bring him on, several days later, she managed to introduce us...except it was an awfully embarrassing tete-a-tete, you see, Nadia had a grudge on me since I once told this guy she likes him a lot, so she introduced me to her and her to me then told her outright that I am 'dragging myself on the ground for her'...if I wasn't in it, I would've laughed my ass off - but lo! Allys managed to maintain a cold neutral face during the whole ordeal, and I could see our rendez-vous would be short-lived...except...
I could feel the tingling sensation build up in my heart, It was a feeling of purity I have never experienced, I've had my share of crushes and a long-term relationship, and I can tell you, this feeling is not a product of mutual understanding, common interests, or whatever crap people name for themselves - I'm talking about this feeling that you suddenly experience out of the blue and cannot have a grip or control over, the movie-love effect, the cupid-arrow : in my past relationship, I used to often duke it out with myself for about 15 minutes to convince myself that the feeling I had inside myself could be interpreted as something resembling honest emotion when I knew deep inside my confines it is the simple loneliness of the manly spirit...this, my friends, is different, it begins from the left auricle of your heart and spreads around your blood cycle...I never ever believed such a stupid legend could exist, but let me tell you, Haneen, Instant-Love is very very true, it's also very, very, very, very painful.
Early on, my burden was small, it hadn't deteroriated into what it is today, I managed to hide it pretty efficiently, bumping into her every chance I can and mumble sweet how-you-dos, I was encourgaed by her positive feedback, it seems that the earlier embarrassement of the introdcution has faded in the subsequent two weeks (and the Eid holiday), anyway, I started talking to her more extensively - walking with her to her line once and then talking her for 15 minutes on the other, both experiences were very encouraging - she knew what I wanted from her and showed me no reservations. Aloha, my feeling became more pronounced over the days, it boiled and boiled until I could not take it any more, I went over to her one day, she was wakling with her friend, Nameless Hijab Girl, and told her this :
'Hi, Allys'
'Hello, Kid, want chips?' offering me a bag she was carrying
'No, thank you, How do u do, Nameless Hijab?'
'Where've you been?'
(hesitates) 'Lab'
'Erm, I want to talk to you for a few minutes is that ok?'
(mischievous knowning smile)
Nameless : 'So I guess u want privacy then?' she said privacy in English...
'Yes, please'
'very well'....

'You're looking pretty today' this was the first remark of its kind I ever told her, no response, just this mischievious smile...she knew what was going on, but she never expected this next line,

'Allys, I love you'

Similarly, I never expected the reaction, she laughed her eyes out, I felt only the stupid knee-jerk reaction of machismo inner satisifaction for making a girl laugh, although it was not in my interest now...I started mumbling for a few seconds before finding my way...I bascially told her that I didn't want to tell her this so soon but I couldn't take it anymore, I don't know how or why this happened but I had to tell you and you can do whatever you want with it, I'm talking seriously about this and I do not want any sort of adolescent horseplay, I just ripped myself out.

'Listen, Kid, you're younger than I am'

This was kinda expected...the matter of age is a well-known dilemma in our culture, hell, even the Western ones...but she was only 6 months's just not fair that half of these years are in a differnt year...
basically, she worked me out a real nice letdown , telling me that many people came before me and she refused them all, so it's better to keep us as friends, which I rejected on basis of lying to myself and her, and told her that I'd try again tomorrow cuz the sky was cloudy today or some foolish other joke, giving in to her warm friendlieness.
Anyway, on any given girl, I would've stopped right there, a man's ego is an amazing holy place, it must not be run in the mud, except that I found myself willing to sacrifice that innocent lamb in the name of that most wicked Imam, Ayatollah Love.

Nadia told me that she phoned her on the same day, and Allys told her that she felt sad cuz she broke my heart and she was nervous etc etc, she told her that I was cute but short (which is really weird, considering she's far far shorter than I am), and also younger, and that she wanted to focus on her studyNadia told me in the end that after much talks Allys finaly alluded that she might agree if there is a marriage, which enlivened my hopes a little, she greeted me with a beautiful smile the next day for the first time, which was encouraging too...
But the pain, the wound of insecurity, have already been ripped open and have started to bleed like hell...
I maintained a nonchalant chit-chat for the few next days, until Valentine's Day...
I wrote Nadia a poem and told her to SMS it to her on Valentine's Day, 12:00 am, Nadia didn't do this so I had to write it on a piece of paper and give it to her one week later, the poem was a simple five-line two-verse with an easy-as-peanuts hidden word :

Sadly eloquent
Awaiting destiny
Like a half-moon
Lilting its purity
Yearning for completion...

She laughed when I told her

And took me by surprise
Like an Egyptian kitten
Legacies in her eyes
Yonders my wandering spirit...

The evil that stupid boys do for love, indeed....

at the final moment, I changed legacies to 'ladybugs', remembering an incident that happened when I was talking to her when a small bug entered her eye.

Nadia came to me shortly afterwards, frowning, she said that at the moment when she told Allys what is the piece of paper is in her hand, Allys immediately cited her disapproval, refusing even to read it, she wanted to throw it but Nadia told her about the word and she reconsidered, anyway, Nadia said that she was strongly rejective this time around -

'hey...why? isn't he cute?

''no he's not'

'but you..'


'he's got lovely eyes..'

'no, who are you talking about?'

or something like this...
The next day, I noticed how hard she tried to avoid me, changing walking paths and all...
Why is this? Had something happened while I was away? perhaps a treacherous friend...perhaps a more composed state of mind? I interpreted the first response as the sponatneous outburst, this was either pre-calculated to be summoned at my next attempt or an embarrasement of the verse - fearing that If she takes it then it would be an outright acceptance of me.
Anyway, I never gave up hope.

Come February 22 and the dome of Samarra goes poof! we leave college for a week, I spent the week eager, but found my eagerness mercifully dissolving as the week got longer...could this mean that this was just a stupid flight of fancy that I could easily counter?

No such thing, the moment I saw her again, everything came back crashing down on me again...
So now I sit here writing this to you while I should be reading for my final exams, which should be coming next Wedensday, and guess what, I don't feel the least bit bad about it - because though may I smile and say yes, laugh at jokes and engage in mindless trivalities, I feel as if the WORLD - the collective SurroundSound universe, has been drenched and submerged in Sepia - It's like an old movie i've seen a dozen times...My sister, seeing my predicament, asked me why the hell should I pass myself through all this trouble for a person who's probably not deserving of all this attention, and raised an eyebrow when I told her that I love her - she said you should be hating her from the topmost hair to the final big toe for this...
What my sister, and all my friends, do not know - is that when the thing happened, I felt something different, something I did not feel for a long time and I am 100% sure of it - it was a reconnection with the old days of childhood, an innocence I long long sought to hide under pretence of seeking companionship with the big boys - the real world. I have lost it for so long and I do not think I can find it again that easily, ever, I cannot afford to be lost again. In my psychological development as human being, there was only one incident which could be pointed at to mark a transition, the day I wrote 'bitch' on a quiz paper and submitted it to my English teacher when I was 15 years old - a sign that I have completely abandoned my nerdy outfit into a callous, calculated state of shit-eating smirky grins and adolescent rebellion. Today I don't know what's happening to me, but I can tell you that a second transgression is about.
I have been in a long-term relationship that lasted 15 months, the girl loved me, she made me a guitar-shaped cake with my initials on my birthday without me even asking about it

- and maybe I thought that I love her too, but today I see that I did not - nothing can blind the truth when it dawns, maybe God is putting me through all this as a punishment for my trickery of the poor woman's heart. I don't know, all I know is, what I felt was a genuine lightness that opened hallways I've long tried to find but always seemed to lose - those of truth, good-will and most importantly innocence. Allys is with me wherever i go in some way, and I still haven't thought of her in any bad way from Day 1, and whenever I see her I just stare, for a long time, bringing back memories of a song I hated to death :

'Now and then when I see her face

She takes me away to that special place

and If I stare too long

I'd probably break down and cry

Her eyes remind me of a warm safe place

Where, as a child I'd hide

and pray for the thunder and rainto quietly pass me by'
- Guns N Roses, Sweet Child Of Mine

Axl Rose was right, fucking right...

Some people find redemption through charity, others in adopting kids from African wastelands, and still others through blowing themselves up in hopes of getting there on time for lunch at The Prophet's Restaruant, Heaven. I, have decidedly figured out what makes me pristine, and it was something I spent my whole past life regarding with denial, suspicion and a cosmic joke - something The Creator put in us to urge reproduction.
My dear friends, it is not.
I don't know what will happen now, but just like the guy in Woman On Top (movie), I ain't gonna stop till I get what I have.

THe other day I was sitting alone in my room, pretending to be doing work on my B.Sc. project but actually thinking about her, when a song came out on the MP3 setlist, I hate Arabic songs, but this one struck a very sensitive nerve - a song by Shereen called 'Ala Bali (On my mind)', the song has a delicate, slow-motion torture that conjures an image of a bucket of hot sulfuric acid being poured down on a naked person in very slow bullettime, the way the skin melts afterwards is the essence of this song, I considered for a minute, before finally deciding to surrender to my ocean of turbulent emotions, I made sure no one is around, and let it out.
I cried, a short but extremely cathartic wallowing like Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt It's been a very long time since I last did so.I don't care what you'll think about me after this, I just want my soul complete...fuck you very much.

To sum it up, the following picture is a representation of my state right now, I like this picture, because my own interpretation of it (and I think it is the right interpretation) is very well hidden from what it seems to be when you first see it you'd think it is a metaphor for evil rape or something, when actually it is the Devil who's in sumbission here, despite the sexual implication of the devil's hand on the girl's lass - one look on his face will truly reveal what this pic is all about.
The shaytaan has found redemption, and surrendered.

p.s. thx, Z!


hala_s said...


I feel hurt just by reading your words. I am much older than you, but when it comes to feelings it hurts just as much. The difference is when you get older, you can cope better.

My view of the story if you are interested is; the girl is either immature, or very clever or already involved with someone else.
Two mistakes in your part, engaging a third party and expressing your feelings quickly.
As for the first, girls tend to be jealous if they are not in a relation themselves. The second your feelings were clear you did not have to emphasise them, it might scare the girl if she is immature or she will start to be tactful if she feels she has the upper hand, or tries to show off if she has her eyes on someone else!
solution: ignore her completely and do not speak to anyone about this subject.Show no weakness even if you were dying to speak to her. This action will help her more than you. Give her space. By this you will at least know the answers, if it is to your advantage good luck, if not you will have to move on.

PS. A small tip, exercise a lot, don't laugh.. it really works, something heavy like push ups, press ups.

Best of luck.

aNarki-13 said...

book a room in heartbreak hotel, you'll feel better in two months. i promise!

how do i know? (caesar asked me this as well)

been there, done that.

yep. crashed and burned.. back in 2nd year.

crazy thing is: she didnt even know I EXISTED, let alone how i felt! so, you can say it was pretty ruff on me..

it was a somabitchin two months, everything became fine after that!

i dont have any tips bout her, what i had i told you about...

hala_s is EXACTLY right:

start releasing Serotonin. best damn drug in the world.

keyword: Exercise.

(no need to pick up martial arts or the other crazy stuffs i do, just do LOTS of push ups or crunches.. REALLY works.)

p.s.: in the end, you'd feel much much better, and have good health and muscles to boot!

cheer up kiddo. happens to the best of us!

aNarki-13 said...

oh and, there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong about crying to release feelings.

vent, dont bottle up.

that's my personal opinion, as applied to me..

i didnt give any psychiatric help here, so i dont count as one of your "healers" ok? no ranting please!

smile now, it aint the end of the world. ( unless karbala is hit anytime soon ;p )

Anonymous said...

Ah my young friend, you make me smile. :) You don't know it yet, but your sister is right, and someday soon you will look back at this and smile at your youthful foolishness.

Like many a man I too had this rush of never-before feeling with a woman who completely captivated me. I wanted her so much I felt any foolishness on my part was worth the price. By showering her with attention, poetry, etc. I succeeded to a degree. I slept with her, beautiful as any Bond girl, while she told me she loved me. Then she went back to her old boyfriend. :) Still I wanted her back(!). I felt any pursuit was worth my desired prize. I succeeded again...then realized I didn't want her anymore, for I saw the truth of what she was. An attention whore, pretty on the outside, but empty of real value. I saw that I had projected my own desires of the perfect woman on her, and she was anything but. I don't regret the beautiful feelings I had in those moments, feelings that lead poets to write and artists to paint with real emotion, but it was not was infatuation, it was my desire to end loneliness that made her my quest. I pursued a vision that was of my own making, my joys, loves, hopes, desires, the beauty of life and existence, and I made her the embodiment of these things. Rejoice my friend! The strength of what you feel is a testament to the depth of YOU as a person! You are the greatness, not her. My own longing and desire made her into something she was not, and most importantly as a lesson, her rejection of me made me more adamant.

This, laughably, is human nature. The more we can't have something, the more we want it, until our desire for this thing grows out of all proportion to reality. Also, it is a reaction of our ego to being rejected. We wish to erase this feeling of unworthiness in the only way we know how, by achieving our objective. But this is not the way.

First, no man can have any woman he wants, he can only have the women who want him. Let me digress for a moment as this woman is not worth your attention, but from a purely strategic standpoint, you blew it by coming on too strong. In the same way that her rejection of you raised her value in your eyes, you must always be cool to the object of your affection, and then you will raise her interest in you. SHE must be the one who wonders if she is good enough for you, not the other way around. Ignore her and move on. When she sees other women competing for your attention, she will wonder what she is missing. Or not, if she has no interest there is nothing to be done, but how true it is that there are other fish in the sea! Find a better woman and give her no more attention.

In practical terms, do not ever think in terms of whether you are "worthy" of some woman. It is about compatibility. Never forget this. Compatibility is emotional, psychological, physical, and intellectual. The more you connect in these areas, the more fulfilled you will both be. Where there is great incompatibility in any of these, feel free to move on, not because someone is not "good enough" but because you are not compatible enough. It is your right and everyone's right to find someone who is a great match for you. When you yourself are rejected, you must see it in this light as well. This woman does not see herself as compatible with you. It says nothing of your personal value. That is the most important lesson of all. No other person's opinion diminishes your true worth.

Finally, I understand what your heart feels in these moments; be careful not to cover it with scar tissue. It must always remain open, even if someone else plunges a knife in it again. Your soul can never be destroyed, never cover its beauty with your fears and hurts. I leave you with a section of a poem by Gibran called The Prophet, on this very point. Take it to heart...and find another girl soon; that is the only way to heal quickly! :)

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Zeyad said...

Very wise words, anonymous. I also tend to agree with your view more than the others. It's all about compatibility and mutual acceptance.

Kid, let's face it. Inta sa7alit roo7ak bil ga3. Bad. Even if it does work out in the end, she will forever look down upon you, and I'm sure that's the last thing you want. I warned you of this situation, but you didn't want to listen. Hopefully, this experience will turn out to be actually in your favour.

Find a mature woman who wants you for who you are, not just because you're a potential groom. They do exist, believe me. It doesn't have to be all tits and ass either, though a little bit of that doesn't hurt :)

Liked your interpretation of the image. I think it's much simpler though; the naked girl is Eve (Man) knowingly embracing the Fallen Angel(i.e. sin). We are all guilty of it.

Scott from Oregon said...

Ahhh, the greatest emotion of the human spirit-- Love.

Painful as crap, ain't it? I fell in love with a sixteen year old girl when I was eighteen, that went about as well as this. At 43, I still see her in my minds eye as the bountiful bundle of double D joy that was to be with me forever....

Since then, I heard she grew fat and had a run in with the law, but that hasn't changed the memory of the painful intensity that I felt for her so long ago....

She will always be the meter I measure everything else I encounter in life. That will be her legacy....

You write well, Kid.

And crying is not a crime...

Konfused Kid said...

My dear friends,
thank you all for your words, I value them at heart.
As a matter of fact, I think I can shake this quite easily, since nowadays I don't think of her as often as I used to. The problem is not in HER as the person, the problem, my singlemost fear, is in ME.
You see, the reason I want her so bad, is beacuse she is the only thing I have ever felt such innocent emotions for in a loooong time, I was loved by a woman who gave me herself - but I didn't feel that way, it didn't unlock the inner child I was seeking so hard to find. I feel that if I leave this girl, I am afraid I will never ever find him again - or in such a long time.
and the time is killing me.
I watched Gladiator yesterday, the image of his wife and child, the faithfulness of Maximus to his wife and child, conquering might armies and living life of slavery just so he could meet them again, that is the devotion I seek to find in myself. I am afraid I won't find it again, that my parents would mix-and-match me with any next-door relative girl or what not.
Well, for the time being, what I am doing now is ignoring her completely in college, yesterday she bumped into me but I didn't even look her was cool, getting yourself back a little bit.

Anyway, we'll see about what happens.

Thank you all again sincerely, here, let me thank you one by one : Hala_S, your blog and comment are much welcome and insightful, Zeyad - my favorite blogger, Anarki13 - the kindest dude in the universe, Anonoymous, a wise man and Scott, you write well as well.


Angie said...

Konfused Kid,

I virtually never comment, except on one site but you need some female intuition.

At least one of the commenters on your site is a great friend of mine...

(You know who you are Habibi, and I should laugh gently and chide you for giving advice to the love-torn, as wafting sentiment is not in your (so serious)domain :D. )

Anonymous' poem is very beautiful, but I would give you one that is more to what your real purpose should be. It's an abstract of the original by Omar Khyaam:

Drink wine for this is life enternal

This is the season for wine, roses and drunken friends

Be grateful for this moment, for this moment is your life...

I promise you with your passion for life and love, that you will love again, and just as purely and strongly. But if you try too hard to hang on to this one passing love, what you'll find is your pure, innocent love will take a twisted, deformed shape that you won't be able to undo for a long time, if ever.

The beauty and wonder of love isn't only found in love that is everlasting, but that it comes to the heart at all.

Loves have many different purposes and spirits, some come to us to give us strength, to help us bear our burdens when they're unbearable. Some come to us to satisfy our lust at times when the desire of our bodies threatens to cleve the body and soul apart. Some come to us to provide comfort and some to relieve lonliness.

And some, and they are the sweetest loves (besides our true loves) come to us floating through the air. Bringing a sense of tender longing that pulls desperately at our hearts until we think they'll tear us to pieces. They're passing loves that come to remind us just when life is hardest and bleakest, to remind us of life's beauty, poignant promise, hope and that all good (and bad) things in life have a moment that passes.

They come and go, and light up our lives for the moment they're there. Like sunsets and gossamer that floats in the breeze in the spring. They come only to refresh our spirit for the time that we can possess them. Then they're gone.

This girl of yours is one of these lovely spirits that passes through. She came to your heart to light a spark and keep your heart alive...

Believe me, there will be others like her. But you only capture the beauty, in taking that deep breath as she passes through and letting go when the time comes. Appreciate her presence for what she gave you and don't try to hang on to what will only make you angry and bitter in the end.

Your true love will be by soon enough. The one that gives you strength and hope, and love and family and faith. She won't be made of gossamer or be as light as a fairy, but she'll be the rock you build your life on, if you choose her wisely.

It's apparent that you hold all the cards Kid, you have the wit, the intelligence, the passion for life, the determination and the grit. You'll achieve everything you can reasonably strive to achieve and sometimes more than you ever dreamed.

Woman make foolish choices their whole lives. Don't look to interpret this as something negative. Don't even look at this as if it may be a situation of incompatibilities. Many times it's a situation where a woman may feel you're too much, not too little. Too witty, too alive, too competent. How many people in ordinary lives choose partners because they make them feel safe within themselves, that they never have to strive, compete, improve, evolve? How many choose partners because they know they'll make no demands on them?

Far more than choose the opposite I can tell you.

So try to realize this girl was one of your passing guardian angels, keeping your heart from going dead until your true love arrives...

Scott from Oregon said...

Another lesson, for you, Kid. Demonstrated most aptly by your passing poster, Angie. Women are fickle. One week, they declare you to be an idiot of epic proportions. The next week, you are a dear friend....


You'll never really get used to it, so don't even try....

aNarki-13 said...


"no man can have any woman he wants, he can only have the women who want him"

beautiful, anon, beautiful!

cheer up kiddo! and good luck in your (philosophy?) exam tomorrow!

Lynnette in Minnesota said...

I am a little late to this discussion, but I just thought I would add my 2 cents.

I agree with Hala S, on the part about giving her space.

I don't know how long you have known her or how many times you have actually talked to her, but it sounds more like infatuation than love to me, Kid. I know that is hard to hear when you feel so strongly.

But real love may be right before your eyes and you just may not see it. Is there a girl you feel like you can be yourself with? Not someone you feel you have to impress with poetry (although that is sweet), but someone you can tell anything to and she will listen? Someone you would miss if she were not there? Think about it.

attawie said...

They say if you love somebody you should set him free. And if they never come back again then it's meant to be. Leave her and act normally when you see her. Treat her as you treat any other girl you know. This way you will gain your self-esteem again and she would start thinking why you moved on. If she never give you a chance or even make the step herself then you defiantly deserve someone better.

As long as she doesn't love you back this is not love. Love is about sharing. This may be called courtly love (to do your best to win her heart). You may win but when you do you will forget why you fought to get her. Now you want her just because she rejects you.

Don't try to "find a girl as soon as possible" as some might advice. This might be a huge mistake. If you do you'll spent the relationship tell the new girlfriend how it felt to have be brokenhearted. It might help you to move on but eventually you would fine yourself not "really" into this new relation. And then, you would be breaking someone else's heart. Someone who would feel exactly the way you feel right now.

And what about the girl who backed you a cake and ornament it with your initials? I didn't get it. Did you break up with her? How does she feel now? Why you take the hard way to find love when there is someone ready to give you unconditional love?

"Love is a free contract that begins with a spark and can end the same way. A thousand dangers threaten love, but if the couple defends it, it can be saved; it can grow like a tree and give shade and fruit, but that happens only when both partners participate."- Isabel Allende (Portrait in Sepia)
i.e. you need some one who dedicate herself for you and would do anything to make it work. Someone to build a future with, to have a family.

Right now, you need a good friend to talk to. Later when you feel you moved on you'll figure out what do you need in your partner. You still young. You are talented and still have a whole life to experience.
Cheer up

Caesar of Pentra said...

Come on, Kid! You forgot to mention that Nadia is another alias for Rock girl!

Love again!!!!!!!!

Caesar of Pentra said...

Man, Fuck it! You can't find love! let the love find you!
You can't tear up yourself anymore with a girl like her....
And by the way, wise sister of yours!
'Woman on Top', you mean Penelope Cruz (my Black Rose) ;)
Hey, you remind me of my poor brotha {arabic songs too).
Dogg, one more thing... don't call us RAVES!

Morbid Smile said...

Dear Kid, I read your post three days ago and kept thinking about it. I said "No" to a guy some years ago, but it's only now that I know how he felt at that time. Although I had my reasons, he didn't understand why.

Love is not supposed to hurt, and once it hurts it's not a healthy love at all. I agree with Hala about letting a third party in the middle. Sometimes girls don't like to get messages from some guy via another girl.

Don't forget that you have the right to ask her why she rejected you. It might be too late to ask why, but it can be of a big help to you to move on. And who knows! She might not a have one single reason in the first place!! Ignore her. I tell you, that works with girls! She'll regret it one day.

Know that you deserve someone better than her. Way better. It's just the begining, you still have all your life before you. Sure you will find the girl you want one day. Everything comes in its time!

Good luck, bro.

Konfused Kid said...

hey, I've been waiting for what you were going to say, nice to have you back.
Somehow I feel in your words that you somewhat regretted what you've done to the boy...well, in any case, I'm much much better these days, but I won't leave her.
I will just rework my tactics. Right now I'm completely blocking her out.

Scott from Oregon said...

Rework your tactics? Dude, she's a girl. Not a geoconflict....

Morbid smile has got it wrong. Don't ask her why? Then you'll spend sleepness nights arguing in your head that she didn't "get you" and that she was wwrong about you, and then you'll have that song "I'm just a guy whose intentions are good.... Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood." Running around and around in your brain day and night....

Just start thinking about her as a sex object and you'll gain a healthy distance.... Truly....

Konfused Kid said...

Sex object? Been there, done that. I don't want it.
but your analysis is correct.
Still, I've made up my mind on this one, and right now she ain't on my mind.

Don't worry, it's all taken care of...erm, I've stopped thinking about her but I won't give up.

I'm just a stubborn dude with an ass that won't quit.

Scott from Oregon said...

Dude, the day you stop thinking about women as sex objects is the day you stop getting along with them.... Seriously. All those things that antagonize the two sexes, like extended shopping runs and primping when you're both supposed to be somewhere, two many pillows on everything and 'air freshener', stop being a problem because you know ... heh... heh... what the prize is....

So put those thoughts back in your repertoire where they belong....

Anonymous said...

Yeah, been there done that (several times). Having a crush sucks... it never works out.

You wrote a poem, I wrote a letter. Result was the same.

Your first mistake was letting the "L" word pass your lips. Whoa! That timing was most inappropriate. Never do that upfront again. Call it a rule.

You should have, however, asked her on a date to study or whatever it is that Iraqis can do nowadays. But here's the other rule...Keep it causal, but not totally secure. By that I mean you don't want to go down the "just friends" trap.

Be sure to offer up some personal info about your life (maybe something a little embarassing).... just a little, though. Get some info out of her that you can use... the ladybug thing was a start, but it's not exactly personal info... just a shared experience.

Make good eye contact. Gaze directly into her eyes just long enough to make her feel a little uncomfortable... but not too long that she thinks you are a staring pervert. Don't stare below her neck, please!

I'm not sure about the Arab culture with touching or even very light (seemingly accidental) brushes.

After your date, leave her alone for a while without explaination. Not too long. You want to be mysterious, but not make her think that you aren't interested. Make sure she knows you had a fun time and that it helped getting your mind off the war and all. (Hey, that's not bad... pretty smooth)

Never tell her about your blog! Ever! Especially if you are going to lay all your feelings and emotions out for all to see.

STOP telling this Nadia chick everything!!! This isn't to your advantage. Cut her out of the loop. Chicas get jealous for no freaking reason!

Anonymous said...

i've lived every moment of this article,i sense it ,i understand it,& i can feel u ,kid .look ,Kid ,love is the most splendid thing u'll ever Iwan McGroger say in Moulin Rouge"Love is like Oxygen",and above all i believe in love.I dont like the idea of hating the girl u love if she refused u,she has the right but love is love.dont be stupid and dont give up,love worth it.

Erik Mann said...

another great blog from you guys. i'd point you to mine but it isn't yet the way I'd like it. i do have a website that I think is cool, kind of almost about art martial secret technique

beissirissa said...

Interesting blog about publishing poetry, keep up the good work publishing poetry

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