First, let us address matters unresolved since my past post. I looked upon this idiotic outburst of mine with a mixed sense of personal regret and professional integrity - I have not tampered any of my emotions in writing the post and has therfore suffered some social problems with my friends, I apologize tremednously for both Z and A13, come on dudes, both of you know that I did not attack you personally - as both of you have enriched my blogging experience in ways more than I can divulge here...sorry, sorry dudes, your point of view was completely rational and reasonable, not to mention accurately portarying the sense of despair that haunts all Iraqis and wastes no time freaking out given the chance. Sorry again, I take back my swears...fuck you? kcuf uoy...see, Anarki? the curse is now lifted, these things in the backs of your asses have been lifted and you can walk the earth again as normal, God-abiding bloggers.
People have accused Zeyad of succumbing to the wishes of the dark mistress of giving the people what they want : doom and gloom of the Iraqi situation, based on his experience in the NY Times.
This is so far from the truth...people! first off, Zeyad was one least interested in the NY project from the Five of us, he only submitted three articles and often expressed to me his annoyance with the limitations of the project. Me, on the other hand, was so keen on the project going as far as to write seven posts...It is true that Zeyad applies a sort of criteria in his posts to choose what interest people most, but that does not compromise his integrity - on the other hand, I, Kid, can be accused of these crimes much more - My last posts were politically inclined, hereby failing a resolution I made on my first post. I have succumbed to what makes the people tick to the world of blogging, which have been getting me into philosophical meditiations on what the purpose of my blog should be focsued upon (more on this in later posts), my traffic have increased twofold, and this is why I want to take my 15 minutes to break the cycle of giving you what you want and endlessly torture you with my own demons, hereby I like to address a somewhat personal issue that's been bugging me for several months now. This blog was and still is largely personal in nature, I intend to keep it that way...
As a 20-yr-old college student, my main interest in life wasn't politics, nor the future of Iraq, but chicas...pretty much like everyone else...Something happened in past December that, I think, will tremendously affect my personality in the time to come :
The girl in question was floating in my mind for some time now, but it was always in the back of my mind, amongst a sea of other girls who often took the spotlight, it was the battlefield of tits and asses found in pretty much all horny collegeboys' brains...now, this girl was in the back of my mind because there nothing sexually elusive about her for me, I liked for somewhat different reasons...I didn't know what they were at the time, I wish I never knew.
I had a friend, call her Nadia, she was a common friend between me and the girl, let's call the girl Allys, Nadia was quite a close friend of mine, she dug rock and roll and would often freely express opinions regarding boys, sex, drugs, lesbians, u name it...she was bascially a boy in a skirt and I always talked to her that way...so once I told her I kinda like that Allys friend of hers, and one day Nadia came to me and told me that she told Allys about her secret admirer and she said Allys told her to bring him on, several days later, she managed to introduce us...except it was an awfully embarrassing tete-a-tete, you see, Nadia had a grudge on me since I once told this guy she likes him a lot, so she introduced me to her and her to me then told her outright that I am 'dragging myself on the ground for her'...if I wasn't in it, I would've laughed my ass off - but lo! Allys managed to maintain a cold neutral face during the whole ordeal, and I could see our rendez-vous would be short-lived...except...
I could feel the tingling sensation build up in my heart, It was a feeling of purity I have never experienced before...now, I've had my share of crushes and a long-term relationship, and I can tell you, this feeling is not a product of mutual understanding, common interests, or whatever crap people name for themselves - I'm talking about this feeling that you suddenly experience out of the blue and cannot have a grip or control over, the movie-love effect, the cupid-arrow : in my past relationship, I used to often duke it out with myself for about 15 minutes to convince myself that the feeling I had inside myself could be interpreted as something resembling honest emotion when I knew deep inside my confines it is the simple loneliness of the manly spirit...this, my friends, is different, it begins from the left auricle of your heart and spreads around your blood cycle...I never ever believed such a stupid legend could exist, but let me tell you, Haneen, Instant-Love is very very true, it's also very, very, very, very painful.
Early on, my burden was small, it hadn't deteroriated into what it is today, I managed to hide it pretty efficiently, bumping into her every chance I can and mumble sweet how-you-dos, I was encourgaed by her positive feedback, it seems that the earlier embarrassement of the introdcution has faded in the subsequent two weeks (and the Eid holiday), anyway, I started talking to her more extensively - walking with her to her line once and then talking her for 15 minutes on the other, both experiences were very encouraging - she knew what I wanted from her and showed me no reservations. Aloha, my feeling became more pronounced over the days, it boiled and boiled until I could not take it any more, I went over to her one day, she was wakling with her friend, Nameless Hijab Girl, and told her this :
'Hello, Kid, want chips?' offering me a bag she was carrying
'No, thank you, How do u do, Nameless Hijab?'
'Where've you been?'
'Erm, I want to talk to you for a few minutes is that ok?'
(mischievous knowning smile)
Nameless : 'So I guess u want privacy then?' she said privacy in English...
'You're looking pretty today' this was the first remark of its kind I ever told her, no response, just this mischievious smile...she knew what was going on, but she never expected this next line,
'Allys, I love you'
Similarly, I never expected the reaction, she laughed her eyes out, I felt only the stupid knee-jerk reaction of machismo inner satisifaction for making a girl laugh, although it was not in my interest now...I started mumbling for a few seconds before finding my way...I bascially told her that I didn't want to tell her this so soon but I couldn't take it anymore, I don't know how or why this happened but I had to tell you and you can do whatever you want with it, I'm talking seriously about this and I do not want any sort of adolescent horseplay, I just ripped myself out.
'Listen, Kid, you're younger than I am'
This was kinda expected...the matter of age is a well-known dilemma in our culture, hell, even the Western ones...but she was only 6 months older...it's just not fair that half of these years are in a differnt year...
basically, she worked me out a real nice letdown , telling me that many people came before me and she refused them all, so it's better to keep us as friends, which I rejected on basis of lying to myself and her, and told her that I'd try again tomorrow cuz the sky was cloudy today or some foolish other joke, giving in to her warm friendlieness.
Anyway, on any given girl, I would've stopped right there, a man's ego is an amazing holy place, it must not be run in the mud, except that I found myself willing to sacrifice that innocent lamb in the name of that most wicked Imam, Ayatollah Love.
Nadia told me that she phoned her on the same day, and Allys told her that she felt sad cuz she broke my heart and she was nervous etc etc, she told her that I was cute but short (which is really weird, considering she's far far shorter than I am), and also younger, and that she wanted to focus on her studyNadia told me in the end that after much talks Allys finaly alluded that she might agree if there is a marriage, which enlivened my hopes a little, she greeted me with a beautiful smile the next day for the first time, which was encouraging too...
But the pain, the wound of insecurity, have already been ripped open and have started to bleed like hell...
I maintained a nonchalant chit-chat for the few next days, until Valentine's Day...
I wrote Nadia a poem and told her to SMS it to her on Valentine's Day, 12:00 am, Nadia didn't do this so I had to write it on a piece of paper and give it to her one week later, the poem was a simple five-line two-verse with an easy-as-peanuts hidden word :
Like a half-moon
Lilting its purity
Yearning for completion...
She laughed when I told her
And took me by surprise
Like an Egyptian kitten
Legacies in her eyes
Yonders my wandering spirit...
The evil that stupid boys do for love, indeed....
at the final moment, I changed legacies to 'ladybugs', remembering an incident that happened when I was talking to her when a small bug entered her eye.
Nadia came to me shortly afterwards, frowning, she said that at the moment when she told Allys what is the piece of paper is in her hand, Allys immediately cited her disapproval, refusing even to read it, she wanted to throw it but Nadia told her about the word and she reconsidered, anyway, Nadia said that she was strongly rejective this time around -
'hey...why? isn't he cute?
''no he's not'
'he's got lovely eyes..'
'no, who are you talking about?'
or something like this...
The next day, I noticed how hard she tried to avoid me, changing walking paths and all...
Why is this? Had something happened while I was away? perhaps a treacherous friend...perhaps a more composed state of mind? I interpreted the first response as the sponatneous outburst, this was either pre-calculated to be summoned at my next attempt or an embarrasement of the verse - fearing that If she takes it then it would be an outright acceptance of me.
Anyway, I never gave up hope.
Come February 22 and the dome of Samarra goes poof! we leave college for a week, I spent the week eager, but found my eagerness mercifully dissolving as the week got longer...could this mean that this was just a stupid flight of fancy that I could easily counter?
No such thing, the moment I saw her again, everything came back crashing down on me again...
So now I sit here writing this to you while I should be reading for my final exams, which should be coming next Wedensday, and guess what, I don't feel the least bit bad about it - because though may I smile and say yes, laugh at jokes and engage in mindless trivalities, I feel as if the WORLD - the collective SurroundSound universe, has been drenched and submerged in Sepia - It's like an old movie i've seen a dozen times...My sister, seeing my predicament, asked me why the hell should I pass myself through all this trouble for a person who's probably not deserving of all this attention, and raised an eyebrow when I told her that I love her - she said you should be hating her from the topmost hair to the final big toe for this...
What my sister, and all my friends, do not know - is that when the thing happened, I felt something different, something I did not feel for a long time and I am 100% sure of it - it was a reconnection with the old days of childhood, an innocence I long long sought to hide under pretence of seeking companionship with the big boys - the real world. I have lost it for so long and I do not think I can find it again that easily, ever, I cannot afford to be lost again. In my psychological development as human being, there was only one incident which could be pointed at to mark a transition, the day I wrote 'bitch' on a quiz paper and submitted it to my English teacher when I was 15 years old - a sign that I have completely abandoned my nerdy outfit into a callous, calculated state of shit-eating smirky grins and adolescent rebellion. Today I don't know what's happening to me, but I can tell you that a second transgression is about.
I have been in a long-term relationship that lasted 15 months, the girl loved me, she made me a guitar-shaped cake with my initials on my birthday without me even asking about it
- and maybe I thought that I love her too, but today I see that I did not - nothing can blind the truth when it dawns, maybe God is putting me through all this as a punishment for my trickery of the poor woman's heart. I don't know, all I know is, what I felt was a genuine lightness that opened hallways I've long tried to find but always seemed to lose - those of truth, good-will and most importantly innocence. Allys is with me wherever i go in some way, and I still haven't thought of her in any bad way from Day 1, and whenever I see her I just stare, for a long time, bringing back memories of a song I hated to death :
'Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
and If I stare too long
I'd probably break down and cry
Her eyes remind me of a warm safe place
Where, as a child I'd hide
and pray for the thunder and rainto quietly pass me by'
- Guns N Roses, Sweet Child Of Mine
Axl Rose was right, fucking right...
Some people find redemption through charity, others in adopting kids from African wastelands, and still others through blowing themselves up in hopes of getting there on time for lunch at The Prophet's Restaruant, Heaven. I, have decidedly figured out what makes me pristine, and it was something I spent my whole past life regarding with denial, suspicion and a cosmic joke - something The Creator put in us to urge reproduction.
My dear friends, it is not.
I don't know what will happen now, but just like the guy in Woman On Top (movie), I ain't gonna stop till I get what I have.
THe other day I was sitting alone in my room, pretending to be doing work on my B.Sc. project but actually thinking about her, when a song came out on the MP3 setlist, I hate Arabic songs, but this one struck a very sensitive nerve - a song by Shereen called 'Ala Bali (On my mind)', the song has a delicate, slow-motion torture that conjures an image of a bucket of hot sulfuric acid being poured down on a naked person in very slow bullettime, the way the skin melts afterwards is the essence of this song, I considered for a minute, before finally deciding to surrender to my ocean of turbulent emotions, I made sure no one is around, and let it out.
I cried, a short but extremely cathartic wallowing like Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt It's been a very long time since I last did so.I don't care what you'll think about me after this, I just want my soul complete...fuck you very much.
To sum it up, the following picture is a representation of my state right now, I like this picture, because my own interpretation of it (and I think it is the right interpretation) is very well hidden from what it seems to be when you first see it you'd think it is a metaphor for evil rape or something, when actually it is the Devil who's in sumbission here, despite the sexual implication of the devil's hand on the girl's lass - one look on his face will truly reveal what this pic is all about.
The shaytaan has found redemption, and surrendered.
p.s. thx, Z!