I briefly interrupt my Ali al-Wardi postings to proclaim something that I realized while I was chatting yesterday with a friend, god exists, because:
A. I say so
B. We were talking about Azuz's lung cancer. My friend, a Christian doctor of high calibre, said that he'd give Azuz four months, as you know and I vaguely knew, cancer is extremely difficult if it is discovered later, this is especially true for lung cancer, and Wikipedia says that the 5-year survival rate for lung cancer patients is 14%. As you would lovingly noticed, I put Abdilaziz al-Hakim's name first on my God's Dead Pool on the right, miracle? Allah be praised. To celebrate this, I have decorated Azuz's name in yellow, much to the disdain of my sectarain friend, Shaqawa.
If indeed al-Hakim bites one last cigarette and goes in search for his lost brother, this would create a very vague power vaccum at Badr/SIIC/UIA, first, Hakim Jr, a smiling dude who looks a lot like high-school homosexual cannon fodder, is highly unqualified for this task, there are a lot of hawks at SCIRI, sorry, SIIC so while they cannot risk not crowning Uday, I'm sorry, Ammar's hand because the heavyweight clerical Hakim name means unquestioning public approval, my guess is that he would be a puppet in the hands of someone much more agile. Hadi al-Amiri, head of Badr Corps, is butch, and there's also one of the most wicked faces i ever saw, Jalal al-Din al-Sagheer. One can never forget somebody like Big Bear-double Adil Abdulmahdi, so it's a very interesting issue. Anyway, I am going to pray now. oh God, look at the rest of the list, NEXT NEXT NEXT!
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
Arabs Created The First Reality Show In History
Who is your dream girl? Not the name you casually toss after a period of thinking when someone asks you the question, but the one you never tell anyone about and you do all your secret weird fetishes with in your dreams? Do you have her in your mental image? Nicole Kidman? Okay. Focus. Close your eyes, now, imagine you just managed to have the best of impressions on her on a dream date...and you're going back to her apartment. Now, instead of Nicole taking off all her clothes and doing unprintable things, she tells you to hang on, goes to the kitchen, closes the door, then after 10 minutes, she comes back smiling with a warm glass of milk, sits near you, and tells you to 'drink it', you are doing all you can for keeping that glossy vibe going, but there's something un-sexual about her smile, more caring than loving, anyway you do not hesitate as you drink the unavoidable milk and tells her it is so delicious,
"MMMMMM! Very different! is this the milk of some special goat?"
and, Nicole says, unflinched: "Special goat all right, this is my breast milk."
**********
One time when we were crashing at a friend's house, late at 1 AM, calling random girl numbers, he told us that the best way to get rid of a crush that is ruining your life is to picture the targeted hatta having an unglamorous big dump with all the appropriate sound effects, I suspect the guy was a fecalphilliac, but his method worked anyway for a while until things became more grossy than any episode of South Park involving Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo. However, I think Dr. Izzat Attiyeh of the Oral narration department in al-Azhar university may have just provided us with the best solution.
"Dr. Izzat Attiyah, head of Oral Narration department in the university of Religion Fundamentals in al-Azhar university, dropped a bomb when he allowed women in a working environment to breastfeed their male co-workers, to prevent prohibited presence of them both together alone in a locked room whose door is opened by only one of them. Attiyah confirmed to al-Arabiya.net that "Breastfeeding the Adult" consists of five breastfeeds, and it permits presence together alone but does not prevent marriage, and the woman can take off her veil in front of her breast-fed co-worker, demanding of course that the feed be documented."
This method is brilliant!!! I tried all the women I can think of and I could not think of trying to make love to any one of them after they will offer me a glass of warm milk that is nurtured motherly from their loving chests.
If that is not enough for you, try this for size:
It is a known fact that Iraqis invented the wheel, code of laws, arabs invented mathematics, algebra, the zero, without which you could not buy anything as simple as Britney's Spears fart in a container off e-Bay, the internet-shopping site which I am sure we played a hand in creating but the Jews took all the credit as always, and of course, that William Harvey chap did not discover the blood circulation system, but he ripped it off from our very-proud-diaper-head Ibn al-Nafis. If that is not enough truth that we can kick your asses any minte we can, infidels, then know this...we are the ones who have created the first format of a reality show in the history of mankind way back in the early 7th century. You think Jackass is novelty? Fear Factor? Har. You are so backward:
"The Grand Mufti of Egypt, Ali Jum'aa, defended his edict regarding the prophet's urine, in which he stated that the companions of the prophet used to take blessings with it, by saying that the prophet is pure as the whole, on the outside and the inside, and even in his refuse, adding that this is the overall census of all the prominent Islamic scholars."
Wow! Vote for your favorite candidate today, who will be dropped off today's show? who will not be able to pass the urine test? Is it young Ali Talib, gruff'n'loud Umar Khattab, or old'n'soft Bakr Quhafa? SMS 2034 Fastlink, 2035 Umnia.
(upbeat music)
The thing I've always liked about my religion is that it supposedly draws a striking line to attaching any divinity to the personality of the prophet through non-negotiable Quranic verses "Mohammed is but a messenger, and messengers before him are many...", or any other saints, as opposed to Christianity for example, or the Shiite sect of Islam, however statements like the ones made by the mufti, highlighted in such a problematic fashion at this advanced age, makes us both prone to glorifiying the prophet as a semi-divine being the ways Sufis do, or looking like complete brainwipes in front of the modern world. They are both wrong and unnecessary.
As for the breastfeeding thing, all jokes aside, since this subject has issues which might be considered outrageous, I feel it is necessary to give you a more serious commentary on the subject, a lot of the articles I read in response were mere outrage without proper background or knowledge, like Anarki-13 for example, I researched all I could find on the topic and found the following:
Prof. Izzat Attiya is not a sex fiend as some (a lot) of people have said, his proof on the matter was thus: all the Sunni scholars, prophet companions, and wives of the prophet except Aisha, prohibit breastfeeding after the child becomes over two years. The scholars cite a number of evidence from both Quran and oral prophet narration, unnecessary to include for the sake of brevity, Aisha, however says that it is okay to breastfeed a man after that in certain instances. For proof, she relates this narration: "Sahla bint Suhail came to the prophet, and told him: O Prophet of God, I see unease in the face of Abu Hudhaifa (her husband) when Salim enters while I am present, the prophet said: Breastfeed him. She said: How, and he is old of age? The Prophet smiled and said: I know that he is."
Salim was an enslaved child of Abu Hudhaifa during war, Islam prohibits adoption, so his relation to Abu Hudhaifa's household therefore became as foreign as any man to any family when he grows up. By breastfeeding him, she becomes his mother-in-breastfeeding, this type of relationship allows a woman to uncover her hair with someone and to be alone with him. It forbids her to marry him, too. The other wives of the prophets disagreed with Aisha over this particular instance, saying that it may have been a particular case that is not fit to be a general rule, in any case, the breastfeeding narration is solely narrated by Aisha, it is worth mentioning that nobody knows for sure how old Salim really was in the narration, he might have been 4 or five, also, if you look rationally at the laws of Islam, which places severe restrictions on women's dress and what things she must expose, it is almost unthinkable that what is meant by 'breastfeeding' is actual delicious nipple-sucking, scholars say that she gives him her milk in a glass or container. This particular narration was the subject of minor controversy for a long time. During my days of Sunni-Shiite crusade, I found that it is often used by Shiites to slander Aisha, the prophet's wife who is the narrator, it is also used by Christians every now and then. The problem is not in the narration itself, an obscure text that was not practiced by other companions or wives of the prophet, and rejected by almost all of the Sunni scholars. It is in the inappropriate manner the edict was handled by Prof. Attiya, who did not comprehend the enormous impact of such a carefree edict, issued in circumstances different to today's both socially incompatible and globally uncomprehending standards, I mean for God's sake, just open the door of your solitary work environment and the problem will end! This also applies to the other preposterous edict by the Mufti of Egypt, as where is the prophet's urine now so that this fuss be made over it? Overall, it's lame. It's not important, and there are a lot more important subjects to tackle than this tits-and-piss biz. It is funny, really, how much do they focus on such trivialities! Look at this brilliant caricature which I stole from my favorite site of late, and translated by moi:
Anyway, I think after all I could use all this to my advantage, by a stroke of luck, I got an unofficial job interview tomorrow, I am really excited, not for the prospect of landing a job so soon but for all the titties I am gonna jihad-suck on, so help me god.
"MMMMMM! Very different! is this the milk of some special goat?"
and, Nicole says, unflinched: "Special goat all right, this is my breast milk."
**********
One time when we were crashing at a friend's house, late at 1 AM, calling random girl numbers, he told us that the best way to get rid of a crush that is ruining your life is to picture the targeted hatta having an unglamorous big dump with all the appropriate sound effects, I suspect the guy was a fecalphilliac, but his method worked anyway for a while until things became more grossy than any episode of South Park involving Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo. However, I think Dr. Izzat Attiyeh of the Oral narration department in al-Azhar university may have just provided us with the best solution.
"Dr. Izzat Attiyah, head of Oral Narration department in the university of Religion Fundamentals in al-Azhar university, dropped a bomb when he allowed women in a working environment to breastfeed their male co-workers, to prevent prohibited presence of them both together alone in a locked room whose door is opened by only one of them. Attiyah confirmed to al-Arabiya.net that "Breastfeeding the Adult" consists of five breastfeeds, and it permits presence together alone but does not prevent marriage, and the woman can take off her veil in front of her breast-fed co-worker, demanding of course that the feed be documented."
This method is brilliant!!! I tried all the women I can think of and I could not think of trying to make love to any one of them after they will offer me a glass of warm milk that is nurtured motherly from their loving chests.
If that is not enough for you, try this for size:
It is a known fact that Iraqis invented the wheel, code of laws, arabs invented mathematics, algebra, the zero, without which you could not buy anything as simple as Britney's Spears fart in a container off e-Bay, the internet-shopping site which I am sure we played a hand in creating but the Jews took all the credit as always, and of course, that William Harvey chap did not discover the blood circulation system, but he ripped it off from our very-proud-diaper-head Ibn al-Nafis. If that is not enough truth that we can kick your asses any minte we can, infidels, then know this...we are the ones who have created the first format of a reality show in the history of mankind way back in the early 7th century. You think Jackass is novelty? Fear Factor? Har. You are so backward:
"The Grand Mufti of Egypt, Ali Jum'aa, defended his edict regarding the prophet's urine, in which he stated that the companions of the prophet used to take blessings with it, by saying that the prophet is pure as the whole, on the outside and the inside, and even in his refuse, adding that this is the overall census of all the prominent Islamic scholars."Wow! Vote for your favorite candidate today, who will be dropped off today's show? who will not be able to pass the urine test? Is it young Ali Talib, gruff'n'loud Umar Khattab, or old'n'soft Bakr Quhafa? SMS 2034 Fastlink, 2035 Umnia.
(upbeat music)
The thing I've always liked about my religion is that it supposedly draws a striking line to attaching any divinity to the personality of the prophet through non-negotiable Quranic verses "Mohammed is but a messenger, and messengers before him are many...", or any other saints, as opposed to Christianity for example, or the Shiite sect of Islam, however statements like the ones made by the mufti, highlighted in such a problematic fashion at this advanced age, makes us both prone to glorifiying the prophet as a semi-divine being the ways Sufis do, or looking like complete brainwipes in front of the modern world. They are both wrong and unnecessary.
As for the breastfeeding thing, all jokes aside, since this subject has issues which might be considered outrageous, I feel it is necessary to give you a more serious commentary on the subject, a lot of the articles I read in response were mere outrage without proper background or knowledge, like Anarki-13 for example, I researched all I could find on the topic and found the following:
Prof. Izzat Attiya is not a sex fiend as some (a lot) of people have said, his proof on the matter was thus: all the Sunni scholars, prophet companions, and wives of the prophet except Aisha, prohibit breastfeeding after the child becomes over two years. The scholars cite a number of evidence from both Quran and oral prophet narration, unnecessary to include for the sake of brevity, Aisha, however says that it is okay to breastfeed a man after that in certain instances. For proof, she relates this narration: "Sahla bint Suhail came to the prophet, and told him: O Prophet of God, I see unease in the face of Abu Hudhaifa (her husband) when Salim enters while I am present, the prophet said: Breastfeed him. She said: How, and he is old of age? The Prophet smiled and said: I know that he is."
Salim was an enslaved child of Abu Hudhaifa during war, Islam prohibits adoption, so his relation to Abu Hudhaifa's household therefore became as foreign as any man to any family when he grows up. By breastfeeding him, she becomes his mother-in-breastfeeding, this type of relationship allows a woman to uncover her hair with someone and to be alone with him. It forbids her to marry him, too. The other wives of the prophets disagreed with Aisha over this particular instance, saying that it may have been a particular case that is not fit to be a general rule, in any case, the breastfeeding narration is solely narrated by Aisha, it is worth mentioning that nobody knows for sure how old Salim really was in the narration, he might have been 4 or five, also, if you look rationally at the laws of Islam, which places severe restrictions on women's dress and what things she must expose, it is almost unthinkable that what is meant by 'breastfeeding' is actual delicious nipple-sucking, scholars say that she gives him her milk in a glass or container. This particular narration was the subject of minor controversy for a long time. During my days of Sunni-Shiite crusade, I found that it is often used by Shiites to slander Aisha, the prophet's wife who is the narrator, it is also used by Christians every now and then. The problem is not in the narration itself, an obscure text that was not practiced by other companions or wives of the prophet, and rejected by almost all of the Sunni scholars. It is in the inappropriate manner the edict was handled by Prof. Attiya, who did not comprehend the enormous impact of such a carefree edict, issued in circumstances different to today's both socially incompatible and globally uncomprehending standards, I mean for God's sake, just open the door of your solitary work environment and the problem will end! This also applies to the other preposterous edict by the Mufti of Egypt, as where is the prophet's urine now so that this fuss be made over it? Overall, it's lame. It's not important, and there are a lot more important subjects to tackle than this tits-and-piss biz. It is funny, really, how much do they focus on such trivialities! Look at this brilliant caricature which I stole from my favorite site of late, and translated by moi:
Anyway, I think after all I could use all this to my advantage, by a stroke of luck, I got an unofficial job interview tomorrow, I am really excited, not for the prospect of landing a job so soon but for all the titties I am gonna jihad-suck on, so help me god.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Shiite Flagellation & Heavy Metal
10th Muharram is the biggest day ever for Shiite religion, more so important than the two holy Eids, more important than prayer, more important than pilgrmige, it is the most important day ever. The day Hussein was killed in Karbala, some 1400 years ago. Here are some widespread practices during this day:
Maseer (March) Shiite pilgrims walk from everywhere towards Karbala, in a symbolic cememoration of Hussein's march towards that accursed city with 74 of his family and women and children(why?) to meet the Umayyad army. While this practice was present in individual patterns, it did not become widely adopted until 1970.
Flagellation At its most extreme, Shi'ism rituals can be as severe and ominous as any Opus Dei around - Flagellation or Latum is the beating of chests in unison to the rhythm of a sung verse by a radood, a person who recites a poem usually about the death of a Shiite religious figure, be it Ali, Fatima, Hussein, Zainab, Abbas and even recently, the destruction of the reverred Askari shrines in Samarra. The beating of chest is a traditional Arab way of showing grief, mostly performed by women.
Tatbeer or (head-splitting) This practice is derived from the way Imam Ali was killed, while he was praying dawn when a person called Bin Muljim killed him by a sword which hit his forehead. As a form of solidarity and remembrance, a mutabir brings a sword to his forehead and gently stabs with the wide sheath of the sword - blood usually spurts in great lengths, eventually covering the whole person in blood, it is one of the most controversial and sickening practices, and has been introduced by a Turkish brigade coming from the Kaukaz.
Tashbeeh or Re-enactment Those are convoys which re-enact the battle of al-Taff with great detail, from the beginning of the battle until the decapitation of Imam Hussein. This was imported from Iran at the end of the 18th century.
All these practices above are considered the most iconic, graphic representations of Shi'ism today. In particular the flagellation, Most religious Shia scholars condemn all these acts, but all their edicts against them have been met with disapproval and rejection, and sometimes even anger. Religion sometimes opposes thinking, and as the majority of Shiites in Iraq are common and poor, they oppose rationalization and follow only emotion, and consider this as an unthinkable practice that may be for some people the most important, and basically the nutshell, of religion, to try and shed the most tears in hope of getting the intercession of the holy figure they are mourning. The scholars had to grudgingly accept this, a scholar once said: 'The truth of Islam has been lost between the Sunni and Shi'ite scholars, Sunnis followed the whims of the ruler, and Shiites followed the whims of the people." There are also other reasons for this complete disobedience, The Ashura ceremonies is a massive group-activity that invokes feelings of strength and identity, it is the only purely Shia activity to be practiced on such a massive scale, and anything against it will fall on deaf ears. This is why Shiite political factions greatly pushed this exercise after post-Saddam war, despite the unfortuante result of so many people being exposed as an easy prey for any would-be malignant force, despite repeated terrorist attacks which killed many people in 2003 and 2004, Shiites politicians have stubbornly pushed people to practice them, as if Shi'ism is all about this - a foolish show of defiance. Also, a whole trade has been created around these practices, it is interesting to notice that most of the people who actually perform those flagellations and tatbeers are from the dregs of society and the lowest of lows, and have nothing to do whatsoever with religion. It's more about identity and the ominous flair of the processions.
Today, religion is all about big show, most of Iraqis (and Arabs) are not traditional Muslims in the sense, most of them think about sex more often than God.
Admittedly, those processions are somewhat exotic in their own way, any serious fan of violent, angry music should give Shia latmiyas a go, once you get past all that initial disgust and bypass all religious identification, try to look at it as you would look at Greek mythologies or read the Odysseus. It's got plenty of cool stuff: a plethora of sad, dark melodies ; hordes of epic battles between Good and Evil, with Evil always victorious - and also, it sends shivers down one's spine when you remember that the only musical instrument being used, the oddly time-signatured precussion is made by thousand hands beating down a thousand chests. Look at this frightening verse from a latmiya about the death of Imam Ali:
and you are Death, on the day of Death, when Death
obeys your every wish and command.
Everyone who would hear of your tales
would tremble in fear, of your presence
Yowza!
The most famous Shia performer is undoubtedly superstar Bassim al-Karbalie, I think he is one of the best performers I've ever heard - his poems greatly use a tool which Western Music could only dream of having: the quarter-note.
Blood, violence, darkness, epic battles, long-hidden secrets. Screw Maiden, man! Of course, it's kinda frightening that some people actually believe this shit, but then again, what more could you possibly want?
Maseer (March) Shiite pilgrims walk from everywhere towards Karbala, in a symbolic cememoration of Hussein's march towards that accursed city with 74 of his family and women and children(why?) to meet the Umayyad army. While this practice was present in individual patterns, it did not become widely adopted until 1970.
Flagellation At its most extreme, Shi'ism rituals can be as severe and ominous as any Opus Dei around - Flagellation or Latum is the beating of chests in unison to the rhythm of a sung verse by a radood, a person who recites a poem usually about the death of a Shiite religious figure, be it Ali, Fatima, Hussein, Zainab, Abbas and even recently, the destruction of the reverred Askari shrines in Samarra. The beating of chest is a traditional Arab way of showing grief, mostly performed by women.
Tatbeer or (head-splitting) This practice is derived from the way Imam Ali was killed, while he was praying dawn when a person called Bin Muljim killed him by a sword which hit his forehead. As a form of solidarity and remembrance, a mutabir brings a sword to his forehead and gently stabs with the wide sheath of the sword - blood usually spurts in great lengths, eventually covering the whole person in blood, it is one of the most controversial and sickening practices, and has been introduced by a Turkish brigade coming from the Kaukaz.
Tashbeeh or Re-enactment Those are convoys which re-enact the battle of al-Taff with great detail, from the beginning of the battle until the decapitation of Imam Hussein. This was imported from Iran at the end of the 18th century.
All these practices above are considered the most iconic, graphic representations of Shi'ism today. In particular the flagellation, Most religious Shia scholars condemn all these acts, but all their edicts against them have been met with disapproval and rejection, and sometimes even anger. Religion sometimes opposes thinking, and as the majority of Shiites in Iraq are common and poor, they oppose rationalization and follow only emotion, and consider this as an unthinkable practice that may be for some people the most important, and basically the nutshell, of religion, to try and shed the most tears in hope of getting the intercession of the holy figure they are mourning. The scholars had to grudgingly accept this, a scholar once said: 'The truth of Islam has been lost between the Sunni and Shi'ite scholars, Sunnis followed the whims of the ruler, and Shiites followed the whims of the people." There are also other reasons for this complete disobedience, The Ashura ceremonies is a massive group-activity that invokes feelings of strength and identity, it is the only purely Shia activity to be practiced on such a massive scale, and anything against it will fall on deaf ears. This is why Shiite political factions greatly pushed this exercise after post-Saddam war, despite the unfortuante result of so many people being exposed as an easy prey for any would-be malignant force, despite repeated terrorist attacks which killed many people in 2003 and 2004, Shiites politicians have stubbornly pushed people to practice them, as if Shi'ism is all about this - a foolish show of defiance. Also, a whole trade has been created around these practices, it is interesting to notice that most of the people who actually perform those flagellations and tatbeers are from the dregs of society and the lowest of lows, and have nothing to do whatsoever with religion. It's more about identity and the ominous flair of the processions.
Today, religion is all about big show, most of Iraqis (and Arabs) are not traditional Muslims in the sense, most of them think about sex more often than God.
Admittedly, those processions are somewhat exotic in their own way, any serious fan of violent, angry music should give Shia latmiyas a go, once you get past all that initial disgust and bypass all religious identification, try to look at it as you would look at Greek mythologies or read the Odysseus. It's got plenty of cool stuff: a plethora of sad, dark melodies ; hordes of epic battles between Good and Evil, with Evil always victorious - and also, it sends shivers down one's spine when you remember that the only musical instrument being used, the oddly time-signatured precussion is made by thousand hands beating down a thousand chests. Look at this frightening verse from a latmiya about the death of Imam Ali:
and you are Death, on the day of Death, when Death
obeys your every wish and command.
Everyone who would hear of your tales
would tremble in fear, of your presence
Yowza!
The most famous Shia performer is undoubtedly superstar Bassim al-Karbalie, I think he is one of the best performers I've ever heard - his poems greatly use a tool which Western Music could only dream of having: the quarter-note.
Blood, violence, darkness, epic battles, long-hidden secrets. Screw Maiden, man! Of course, it's kinda frightening that some people actually believe this shit, but then again, what more could you possibly want?
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