Monday, May 28, 2007

Arabs Created The First Reality Show In History

Who is your dream girl? Not the name you casually toss after a period of thinking when someone asks you the question, but the one you never tell anyone about and you do all your secret weird fetishes with in your dreams? Do you have her in your mental image? Nicole Kidman? Okay. Focus. Close your eyes, now, imagine you just managed to have the best of impressions on her on a dream date...and you're going back to her apartment. Now, instead of Nicole taking off all her clothes and doing unprintable things, she tells you to hang on, goes to the kitchen, closes the door, then after 10 minutes, she comes back smiling with a warm glass of milk, sits near you, and tells you to 'drink it', you are doing all you can for keeping that glossy vibe going, but there's something un-sexual about her smile, more caring than loving, anyway you do not hesitate as you drink the unavoidable milk and tells her it is so delicious,

"MMMMMM! Very different! is this the milk of some special goat?"

and, Nicole says, unflinched: "Special goat all right, this is my breast milk."


One time when we were crashing at a friend's house, late at 1 AM, calling random girl numbers, he told us that the best way to get rid of a crush that is ruining your life is to picture the targeted hatta having an unglamorous big dump with all the appropriate sound effects, I suspect the guy was a fecalphilliac, but his method worked anyway for a while until things became more grossy than any episode of South Park involving Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo. However, I think Dr. Izzat Attiyeh of the Oral narration department in al-Azhar university may have just provided us with the best solution.

"Dr. Izzat Attiyah, head of Oral Narration department in the university of Religion Fundamentals in al-Azhar university, dropped a bomb when he allowed women in a working environment to breastfeed their male co-workers, to prevent prohibited presence of them both together alone in a locked room whose door is opened by only one of them. Attiyah confirmed to that "Breastfeeding the Adult" consists of five breastfeeds, and it permits presence together alone but does not prevent marriage, and the woman can take off her veil in front of her breast-fed co-worker, demanding of course that the feed be documented."

This method is brilliant!!! I tried all the women I can think of and I could not think of trying to make love to any one of them after they will offer me a glass of warm milk that is nurtured motherly from their loving chests.

If that is not enough for you, try this for size:
It is a known fact that Iraqis invented the wheel, code of laws, arabs invented mathematics, algebra, the zero, without which you could not buy anything as simple as Britney's Spears fart in a container off e-Bay, the internet-shopping site which I am sure we played a hand in creating but the Jews took all the credit as always, and of course, that William Harvey chap did not discover the blood circulation system, but he ripped it off from our very-proud-diaper-head Ibn al-Nafis. If that is not enough truth that we can kick your asses any minte we can, infidels, then know this...we are the ones who have created the first format of a reality show in the history of mankind way back in the early 7th century. You think Jackass is novelty? Fear Factor? Har. You are so backward:

"The Grand Mufti of Egypt, Ali Jum'aa, defended his edict regarding the prophet's urine, in which he stated that the companions of the prophet used to take blessings with it, by saying that the prophet is pure as the whole, on the outside and the inside, and even in his refuse, adding that this is the overall census of all the prominent Islamic scholars."

Wow! Vote for your favorite candidate today, who will be dropped off today's show? who will not be able to pass the urine test? Is it young Ali Talib, gruff'n'loud Umar Khattab, or old'n'soft Bakr Quhafa? SMS 2034 Fastlink, 2035 Umnia.

(upbeat music)

The thing I've always liked about my religion is that it supposedly draws a striking line to attaching any divinity to the personality of the prophet through non-negotiable Quranic verses "Mohammed is but a messenger, and messengers before him are many...", or any other saints, as opposed to Christianity for example, or the Shiite sect of Islam, however statements like the ones made by the mufti, highlighted in such a problematic fashion at this advanced age, makes us both prone to glorifiying the prophet as a semi-divine being the ways Sufis do, or looking like complete brainwipes in front of the modern world. They are both wrong and unnecessary.

As for the breastfeeding thing, all jokes aside, since this subject has issues which might be considered outrageous, I feel it is necessary to give you a more serious commentary on the subject, a lot of the articles I read in response were mere outrage without proper background or knowledge, like Anarki-13 for example, I researched all I could find on the topic and found the following:
Prof. Izzat Attiya is not a sex fiend as some (a lot) of people have said, his proof on the matter was thus: all the Sunni scholars, prophet companions, and wives of the prophet except Aisha, prohibit breastfeeding after the child becomes over two years. The scholars cite a number of evidence from both Quran and oral prophet narration, unnecessary to include for the sake of brevity, Aisha, however says that it is okay to breastfeed a man after that in certain instances. For proof, she relates this narration: "Sahla bint Suhail came to the prophet, and told him: O Prophet of God, I see unease in the face of Abu Hudhaifa (her husband) when Salim enters while I am present, the prophet said: Breastfeed him. She said: How, and he is old of age? The Prophet smiled and said: I know that he is."
Salim was an enslaved child of Abu Hudhaifa during war, Islam prohibits adoption, so his relation to Abu Hudhaifa's household therefore became as foreign as any man to any family when he grows up. By breastfeeding him, she becomes his mother-in-breastfeeding, this type of relationship allows a woman to uncover her hair with someone and to be alone with him. It forbids her to marry him, too. The other wives of the prophets disagreed with Aisha over this particular instance, saying that it may have been a particular case that is not fit to be a general rule, in any case, the breastfeeding narration is solely narrated by Aisha, it is worth mentioning that nobody knows for sure how old Salim really was in the narration, he might have been 4 or five, also, if you look rationally at the laws of Islam, which places severe restrictions on women's dress and what things she must expose, it is almost unthinkable that what is meant by 'breastfeeding' is actual delicious nipple-sucking, scholars say that she gives him her milk in a glass or container. This particular narration was the subject of minor controversy for a long time. During my days of Sunni-Shiite crusade, I found that it is often used by Shiites to slander Aisha, the prophet's wife who is the narrator, it is also used by Christians every now and then. The problem is not in the narration itself, an obscure text that was not practiced by other companions or wives of the prophet, and rejected by almost all of the Sunni scholars. It is in the inappropriate manner the edict was handled by Prof. Attiya, who did not comprehend the enormous impact of such a carefree edict, issued in circumstances different to today's both socially incompatible and globally uncomprehending standards, I mean for God's sake, just open the door of your solitary work environment and the problem will end! This also applies to the other preposterous edict by the Mufti of Egypt, as where is the prophet's urine now so that this fuss be made over it? Overall, it's lame. It's not important, and there are a lot more important subjects to tackle than this tits-and-piss biz. It is funny, really, how much do they focus on such trivialities! Look at this brilliant caricature which I stole from my favorite site of late, and translated by moi:

Anyway, I think after all I could use all this to my advantage, by a stroke of luck, I got an unofficial job interview tomorrow, I am really excited, not for the prospect of landing a job so soon but for all the titties I am gonna jihad-suck on, so help me god.


RhusLancia said...

Good luck on your interview, Kid. Maybe save the brestfeeding bit until after you're hired & pass probation?

bruno said...

Oh, boy, the religioud nuts are at it again. Christians used to have endless debates on how many angels could fit onto the head of a pin, for example. Anything taken to extremes becomes baneful, including this sort of thinking.

Marcus said...

"not for the prospect of landing a job so soon but for all the titties I am gonna jihad-suck on, so help me god."

Hahahahaha! Thanks for a good laugh!

Lynnette In Minnesota said...

The first guy looks a bit like a vampire. Hmmm...

I loved the last picture. lol!

Okay, so I stumbled across this. You might find it useful in your job search. :)

Good luck on the interview...for whatever reason you're excited about it. :)

aNarki-13 said...

"Now, instead of Nicole taking off all her clothes... ...she comes back smiling with a warm glass of milk, sits near you, and tells you to 'drink it'"

i don't know about you (actually, now i do), but what's so EWW !!TURNOFF ALERT!! about that?

i've been tracking THIS thread for a while now :)

and btw it doesnt take a lot of research to declare this fatwa is PURE GRADE BULLSHIT.
you get your panties all twisted up when someone references something 1400 years ago, in fact, you have your own shooting gallery to aim fun at 1400 years ago, what's different this time?
come on kiddo :)

Konfused Kid said...

Anarki, please rephrase. I couldn't understand your eloquent pot-shots.

Yes the fatwa is bullshit but it has some history, it is not the creation of a sick puppy. As for the second thing you said,???

Don't you find that a turn-off? ashu I did. it makes you feel a very lukewarm mom-son relationship.

Anonymous said...

This breastfeeding stuff is ridiculous. That first bit about Nicole Kidman and the milk glass was just about enough to make me wonder, "Oh hell, what has Kid thought of now?"

Konfused Kid said...


Was that a compliment of a crazy stroke of genius or a subtle hint for me to visit a sanitarium?

Anonymous said...

Crazy stroke of genius, haha.

aNarki-13 said...


what i meant is that you have lately dedicated several posts just to make fun of radicals (which is VERY VERY good) BUT instead of attacking the modern-day shit-thinkers, you poke fun of Imams, Khulafa', friends of the Prophet, etc etc.

so basically:
you ridicule everyone who thinks in 600AD mentality, yet when this ass-wipe of an esteemed professor comes out and spreads this sort of crap to the masses, you say "oh well, nothing doing, just some everyday fatwa"

i know the fatwa has SOME HISTORY. but that's just it: HISTORY == PAST

and i think Khalid Jarrar already pointed out that the historic basis for it was hokey.

oh and btw he was a horny ass-wipe:
if he couldn't control his appendage (which is WHY he made the fatwa, for people who absolutely cannot exist alongside of a woman without thoughts of illegal steamy terrifying sexual love popping up) then he IS a horny wad.

"Don't you find that a turn-off? ashu I did. it makes you feel a very lukewarm mom-son relationship."

nah. i dealt with my Oedipus-complex years ago :)
besides, like someone on the forum said: it beats Goat or Cow milk, at least i'm drinking from my own species :))
besides, i don't like milk or its bi-products much, so maybe that's why i am not forming the mental connection. hm.

Konfused Kid said...

"Terrifiying sexual love"

BWA HA HA. You know that always cracks me up, yes he is a horny bastard bas khatiya el walad.

aNarki-13 said...

i know :) honestly i wasn't making fun of Pentra, its just that the sentence itself is now CLASSIC, you know what i mean :))

Jeffrey said...

Anarki, Kid,

Caesar is an absolutely unique wonder and the Iraqi blogosphere would be severely diminished without his ... um ... particular focus.


lel said...

nice blog
disturbing, but nice

Little Penguin said...

I'm confused a little.. why do Arab media corporations thrive on these embarrassing statements that some losers make?.. The Mufti guy, does he really think he's making a valuable contribution to the Islamic world? the tosser..

I admit that some clerics just dont see sense in what they say.. "Joe Ibn Smith said the prophet said - we follow".. where the F has our common sense gone?

That prophet urine stuff, for god's sake man.. isn't it degrading enough to even talk about, let alone publish and discuss in front of the world???

twistedsister18 said...

OK. I just need to point out a fairly important fact which all you repressed men seem to be ignorant of or have forgotten:
WOMEN ARE NOT LIKE ...LIKE....LIKE ...taps! We don't go around a constantly accessible sack of milk in each breast!
We have to be HEAVILY pregant i.e have a baby growing inside us ( ask yer mum. mention birds, bees)or have a baby.
Now unless Nicole is some sort of super-skinny pregant freak or had stuffed her baby down the back of the sofa...

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