Showing posts with label political satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label political satire. Show all posts

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Gooey chair baffles Iraqi premiers


BAGHDAD, IRAQ – Onlookers gathered at Baghdad’s infamous Green Zone to witness the seventh consecutive attempt this year to dishevel Mr. Nuri al-Maliki, outgoing prime minister of Iraq from the seat of authority. A group of Iraq’s finest politicians and lawmakers assembled to attempt and disengage Mr. al-Maliki, 60, from the seating object to futility.

“It’s hopeless.” A bemused al-Maliki consoled his ailing colleagues who had fallen to their feet after the rope had snapped. “My asshole has firmly integrated itself with the composition of the chair. It looks like I’m going to be stuck in this contraption for the next four years.”

“the glue” refers to a strange substance that seemed to ooze from beneath the premier’s unassuming buttocks two years ago, following the Battle of Basra, after a substantial period of overflowing, the material coalesced firmly into a solid paste.

“This is the bond the likes of which I have yet to encounter.” former prime minister and neurosurgeon Ibrahim al-Jaffari commented upon the event, bringing into the incident his own experience in a similar incident in 2006.

“In my case, it was just your regular old Iranian sikoteen.” Referring to a ubiquitous brand of a domesticated adhesive, “this is something entirely new, the exoskeleton is entirely rigid and immovable.”

“This seems to be growing worse by the year.” former interim prime minister Iyad Allawi admitted resignedly. During his term, Mr. Allawi had refused to succumb to the warmth of the object, a fact all the more admirable considering the exile’s sizable girth.

“We have to get to the bottom of this.” The London-based doctor warned ominously.

Sticky bottoms pose significant health risks to Iraqi statesmen, research shows. All Iraqi statesmen who proved at a disadvantage to detach their derriers once in their lifetime met disturbing demises. The last known case of which, a simple farmer from Tikrit suffered a most horrendous death worthy of a videogame fatality.

As experts continue to probe the perplexing configuration now in the vicinity of Mr. al-Maliki’s otherwise benign sphincter, talks ensue in Iraq and the surrounding regions to seek remedies to the solution.

Mr. Ahmed al-Chalabi, a wily politician and proctologist often described as sporting a “shit-eating” grin, is reportedly in Iran to discuss a resolve to the predicament.

A spokesman for kingmaker and firebrand cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, whose front and rear ends are often touted as “interchangeable”, declined comment.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Saddam bin Hussein and Hussein bin Ali

"For you are Hussein and I am Hussein, and today we shall see which Hussein will come triumphant."
- Hussein Kamel, Saddam's son-in-law, addressing Imam Hussein's shrine in Kerbala during the 1991 Shiite revolution.


Due to the differences between the Hijri Islamic calendar, based on the moon, and the universally adopted Gregorian Sun-based calendar, the Islamic one is shorter by 11 days, as a result, in about three years, the Gregorian date for the execution-martyrdom of one Saddam-Hussein will take place suspiciously near the Imam Hussein mythical one back in the Hijri 10th of Muharram, 680 AD.

This post is delievered to you in the accompaniment of the Imam Hussein's Arbaieen, which is an Arab tradition to honor the 40th day after the mourning day of the actual date for the person's death. Preferably listen to this flagellation piece while reading, and also, it doesn't hurt to check out this new item about Saddam's upcoming bio-(e)pic, wattnun madda!

Imam Hussein, the eternal revolutionnary, the ship of safety, the ongoing crusade against tyranny all across the world, and Saddam Hussein, the very crystallization of all the principles against the historical Imam fought for, and lost, and died.

Coming from parallel universe these two men might be, but there is one enchanting similarity between the two which I felt interesting to share with you.

In 680 AD, Muwaiya, the caliph, has designated his son, Yazid, as his heir, hinting about an intention to hold a dynasty, a first occurence in the new Islamic state. Most of the Muslims, either grudgingly or not, wishing no further bloodshed, agreed upon this, a few prominent figures in Mecca tried to delay the matter of their response, and Imam Hussein was one of them, twenty years earlier, Imam Hussein's father, the celebrated Imam Ali, had fought a bloody civil war with Muawiya, Ali's forces were centered in Kufa, the first Islamic city built in Iraq, and his army was called the Iraqi army, while Muawiya was the emir of Sham (Levant, modern day Jordan, Syria, Palestine and Lebanon), and his army was called Shammi army, Imam Ali was almost victorious when the stubborness of his own men brought him into a stalemate, all his attempts to rekindle the vigour and zeal of rightesouness afterwards fell on deaf words, and he was so sick of them that at the end he wished that he never came to them. After Ali was killed by a renegade force of his own army, his elder son, Imam Hasan, being a peace-lover and seeing that his shaky, reluctant troops were no match for Muawiya's suave political abilities, settled on ending the war and that Muawiya becomes Caliph. As soon as Yazid assumed caliphate however, Imam Hussein began receiving letters from his father's followers in Kufa, urging him to come to them and declare rebellion, being eager to reclaim his rightful title, he ignored all advice about the riff-raff nature of the Kufians, and that they were the same people who failed his father two decades ago, he marched to Kufa in 680 AD, and sent his cousin, Muslim bin Aqeel, as a scout to look into the matter, at that time, Hussein's followers were nearly 18,000 men in Kufa. The Umayyads would not remain silent over this dangerous threat, having just sustained their foothold back in the upper layer of the Arab society after a lull of 40 years, and they knew the reluctance of the Kufians well, the emir of Kufa, Ubaidullah Bin Zeyad, sent his own men into the masses and they began discouraging people skillfully by threats and promises, and pretty soon enough the once proud force Aqeel gathered dwindled to about thirty men, and he was shortly killed thereafter. Hussein was on route upon hearing the news, and shortly thereafter he was intercepted and prevented from returning back whence he came, and was savagely killed with his 80 men by the very same followers of his in the Battle of Kerbala, not a single soldier of the army which surrounded him was from Sham, all were Iraqis.

The Iraqis would soon feel regret for their shameful actions, and little by little people would come and visit his shrine, feeling an alarming guilt consicence that only got bigger and bigger over the years...

This is the story of Imam Hussein, it is the final straw that broke the unity camel's back of the Muslim nation and it still embarrasingly is a source of tensions that plague us until today.

The story of Saddam Hussein, however, is the stuff of which black comedies of the darkest of the dark are made of, The moustached man has spent the better part of his last years in seeking a monument to retain his personal majesty, he tried all the tried methods: writing glorious roman a clefs, erecting huge Nebuchanedzzar-like monuments where every brick has his initials,or going on a campaign of a Saddam statue for every Iraqi of the 28 million inside the blasted little country. Before, he was a mere tyrant, yes, he was feared by some, respected by others, but by a little extraordinary performance at the gallows, Saddam, always the showman, has climaxed an inventive carrier at the little screen and has achieved the one thing he has purusing all his lifetime, Saddam is now a mythical figure in the Arab folklore, one who is now looked for between the heavenly celestial bodies, or by his assprint on the moon, one whose soul is sensed in the gatherings of nationalistic conferneces. And what could you do but laugh and hoot at the sight of a nation which spans from the Atlantic to the Pacific, toasting for the memory of a man who enslaved, killed, committed genocide, and just about tortured his country in every possible way?

Saddam's similarity with Imam Hussein is in that Arabs today are doing for Saddam Hussein what Shiites did for Hussein some 1300 years ago, treating him with a reluctant zeal born not from that is mostly indifference while he was alive, but once he is dead - he is immediately subscribed with the pantheon of the holies, each in their comparative league, of course. There are justifications for this, Both Shiites back then and Arabs today are on the losing side, when you lose, you tend to search for answers in your own ideology and immediately begin demonizing the other side (Jews/Americans in our case, all Sunni rulers in Shiites case) as fearfully as possible, of course, Imam Hussein is an immediate grandson for the Prophet Muhammed, and this is simply too tempting to just dangle about in the air for people who are getting persecuted mercilessly during the Abbasid and Umayyad times, so the addition of a few supernatural flairs such as knowning the future and the doom of his adventure but doing it anyway, adding those traits to his already growing mystique was not only predictable but almost inevitable. Saddam Hussein, to his unfortunate luck, was born in unmythical times, and this would limit his stature to a mere hero and national pride for the Arab nation - the Arab world is currently locked in the mentality that America is a direct or indirect enemy, due to their support for Israel, and they seek people who can recompsenate our own idleness and reliance on Western products and culture everywhere in people such as Saddam Hussein, who stands defiantly in the face of his blank executioner, who looked cowardly in sock he wore over his head. For in the Arab mind, another Battle of Kerbala has taken place, only televised and brought to the living room, right before their naked eyes, indeed, if anything, why is not the United States Yazid I, in his far-reaching tyranny, and why is not Nuri al-Maliki, why, Ubaidallah bin Ziyad, the cruel emir of Kufa, and what comes if indeed Saddam Hussein, is the Hussein bin Ali, the martyr of justice and the redeemer of religion, reincarinated?

Let us suppose that hypothetically Iran goes crazy and invades all the Arab countries, liberating Shiites everywhere and resurrecting the glories of anceint Persia, would not Saddam Hussein be fondly remembered, reverred, and perhaps, if we were living a few thousand years back, semi-worshipped?


Baghdad, 2712 AD

We all huddled as the oracle was beginning her tale, she would tell it exactly the way she heard it from her mother, who heard it from her own mother, generation to generation, we pass the maqtal to future generations, we love it, and it is a way of our life, and we listen, ponder and cry for our own ailment. The days when our country was not yet awashed by the invaders from the west and the east, back when a cursed thing called oil was still in our country, before the great darkness began. On the light of the candle lamp, the oracle's features were grim, her eyes closed, and then suddenly she opened her eyes and began to tell the tale:

"In a small village in Tikrit, back when the times were pleasant and the meadows were yet green, happiness was filling the land and birds were chirping in the skies, a boy was born in the darkest of nights, and suddenly the moon came in full behind the raining clouds, and the glorious life-affirming cries of the small child came to open the silence. The mother stood silent and happy watching the baby in the father's arms...
"What shall we name him?"
"Crusher (Saddam), because he shall crush the unjust enemies."
and thereby comes the prophecy of the ancient prophet Mohammed, peace be upon be him, true, for he once said: "There comes a great darkness over my nation, when will grows scarce and the night grows long, but then comes Sadim*, and he refills the land with justice as it was filled with injustice, before he is lifted to his creator, and then injustice gets its chance to reign superme."

Monday, February 12, 2007

Iraqi Resistance and the US plan

Dear reader,

I'm gonna tell you something that all the Iraqis who pretend they're full of pride and shit don't tell you, every Iraqi who knows what's good for him wants the US military plan to happen - it's a known fact today that while US soldiers do occasionally rape 15-year-olds and add naked photos of our hairy butts to their family albums, they are still infintely more trustworthy than any Iraqi soldier from anywhere. When an American soldier knocks on your door for a search, you go 'oh thank god' but when Iraqis do the same, you are instantly on your toes. Forget about all those Iraqis and Arab bloggers who live outside or have never been in there recently, they don't know what it is like - Iraq is dead - we are living in a newfound, and very real, age of sect. The intellects and all the other deadbeats like you and me who do nothing but bitch about how Iraq is great and how we had a beautiful country before the war are having a hard time accepting this, but they're going to have to deal with it.
The American forces are the only forces that are to be relied upon in Iraq, as sloppy and careless as they are, because they don't have anything personal against Abu Haneefa or Musa al-Kadhim, I may have comitted national blasphemy by saying this, but it's 100% better to be honest than a nationalist hypocritical asswipe like most Arabs and Iraqis are. First step towards healing is diagnosis. I really hope they completely remove Sadr City and Adhamiya from the map.

Adhamiya

Ahh, my age-old district. How much I loved you and how much today I come to despise you, for harboring all those Saddamists and criminals who masqueraded under the glorious name of resistance, yes I did support them but only because I was afraid of the Anees & Badr Corps.
The other day, during the same day when Zeyad's brother reported a death of his neighbor, I actually lost a relative, the holy rockets which have been blissfully directed by the Hidden Imam, may Allah hasten his alarm clock, has finally managed to kill my aunt's husband's brother. You wanna hear something funny?

He was a Shiite, 100% to the bone, and the only Shiite linegae in our honest-to-Abu Haneefa Sunni family.

How I got the news? I woke up at 7 AM the next day, my mother came and told me immediately....I have cried like crazy over my four dead friends, and I was very upset about the death of a number of people, but that day I glanced uninterestingly...and then I shrugged, I said: 'Serves him right. He should've went out of the hellhole a long time ago.'

The fact that I didn't even bother to write about it then gives you an idea of how much emotional I got all about it. Death is to us a fact of life - examine the beautiful irony in the previous sentence. How did I become like this? I have attained the languid unconsciousness of an assassin with all the insecrutiy and the tight-sealed anger sown deep down inside. I am ready to do atrocities without flipping an eyelid if you want me to. Maybe if I was stupid and immature I would've already been with the rest of em, carrying an AK-47 I don't know how to use correctly in front of our local mosque, praying very little and cursing very much while exchanging short semi-porno clips on my latest Nokia mobile. Glorious be my crusade nevertheless, for I am an Iraqi Resistance.


Here are some of my other news which I didn't care much to say :

About a month ago, another college friend of mine was near killed in a bus stop, he was riding a minivan heading towards a Shiite district, al-Jowadir, when the beloved Iraqi resistance came and showered everyone with the bullets of mercy, ending their pitiful existence as sheep waiting for the slaughter, the bullet has come for you, Nameer - but Nameer had a thick butt, and the bullets couldn't get through him - they tore through every non-critical part of his body but they left his heart, lungs, head and penis intact, so he could continue to live as a decent human-being - he did lose his left hand though, and he is a lefty.
As Borat would've said : "High Five!"...oops, sorry I forgot you don't have a hand anymore.

and also I forgot to mention the lovely incident of Ubada, another college friend of mine who is also a glorious resident in Adhamiya, and precisely at the Sifeena, home of the most glorious freedom fighters - this Ubada is a bearded guy with blue eyes who likes to frequent the mosques and distribute Sunni bloc Accordance Front fliers, and one day his pop tells him to go bring something from his auntie's empty house, as she was a smart woman and left Iraq about a few months ago, little did poor Ubada know, but the house was rigged by the beautiful Iraqi resistance in case the infidels come in to try and search it.

The limbs that were once Ubada were collected and buried at Abu Haneefa mosque, so long, martyr, too bad you didn't have any pussy in your short 21-years-old life while you were busy doing all that mosque touring, well, maybe in heaven with your 77,000 virgins.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Even when he's dead...he kills people

Goddammit!

From DNAINDIA: MULTAN (Pakistan): A young boy who tried to imitate hanging scenes from the execution video of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein died in central Pakistan, police said on Monday.

Mubashar Ali, 9, hanged himself, while re-enacting Hussein's hanging with the help of elder sister, 10, after tying a rope to a ceiling fan and his neck in his home in Rahim Yar Khan district on Sunday, a local police official said.

The father of the deceased boy said that his children had been watching the video of Saddam Hussein's execution on television and attempted to imitate the hanging as other family members thought they were playing in another room.

"My wife and sister rushed to rescue Mubashar when children cried for help from the adjoining room, but he died due to hanging," Alamgir Paracha, father of Mubashar, said.

Police said the death was accidental and a case of parental negligence.

"It was an accident which happened due to carelessness of parents," district police chief Sultan Ahmad said.

Images of the fallen Iraqi dictator with a noose around his neck, surrounded by executioners in balaclavas, were repeatedly telecast by Pakistani television channels at the weekend.

Commentators and the media across Europe had expressed shock and unease Sunday at graphic television pictures showing the last moments of Hussein before his execution.



The stupidity of the governmnet has now turned Saddam into an underdog symbol of heroism, and when our country ceases to exist and the amoeba grows into nearby countries, expect the Guevara-style rebel t-shirts to sell. Although Majed came up with the idea, i call patenting!

Welcome 2007. May the next Eid brings the executions of the rest of the crew:

THE DEAD POOL
1. Abdilaziz al-Hakim
2. Muqtada al-Sadr
3. Harith al-Dhari
4. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi DEAD
5. Saddam Hussein DEAD
6. Baqir "Bayan" Jabr Solagh
7. Adnan al-Dulaymi (although i don't think he's worth much - just a fat cow full of farts, he's been put there so that I don't get accused of being sectarain.)
8. Jalal al-Din al-Sagheer

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Iraqi Civil War Videogame

Aren't Iraqis tired of dying every day by the dozens due to some politician's bad hair day? while the politicians safely determine their destinies in trivial games behind safe castles? Why don't we have it otherwise for a change?
live your dream, pit all these politicians in a single stage and have them for their life a horrific mess of blood, guts, and democracy.


Initial roster
Versus Screen
Screenshot


EXCERPTS FROM GAME JOURNAL:
FATALITIES:
*Adnan al-Dilaymi:

Teatime Friendship: Adnan al-Dilyami's head starts banging back and forth, until steam flows out from his tiny little sidara (hat), he and the opponent sit down to drink tea.

I Forgot To Switch My Phone Off: if you're Abu Dera'a, you can execute this special finish on Dilaymi, simply stand to the far off corner, Adnan al-Dilaymi will stand in a defiant tone, saying: "We are Ahul al-Sunna!", Abu Der'a in typical Sadr City crookedness whips out his mobile phone and calls al-Dilaymi's, his phone starts ringing, he's caught off guard, and has little time to shout before his head starts to rock too, eventually he explodes.

al-Hakim (Baqir):
Self-flagellation fatality: X,X,B,B,C (mid) - al-Hakim will recite a maqtal and self-flagellate, eventually exploding, the green words 'Ya Hossein', appears, while Bassim al-Karbalie sings 'Salla Aaleeka Maleek al-Sama'a'.

al-Hakim (Aziz):
Horrible Medusa: At the Snake Pit, al-Hakim is particualry strong, hold all buttons and release them near ur opponent, al-Hakim will uncover his head and will reveal a hair made of snakes. al-Hakim's body begins to flow snakes all through his robe, who eventually engulf the opponent.


Muqtada al-Sadr:
The Hidden Imam Plays Soccer : Muqtada will use al-Mahdi's power to roll into a giant soccer ball that crushes the opponent.

Habibi: Muqtada will assume a speaker stance, after a few incoherent sentences stuck together by the word Habibi, the opponent will die of laughter. Mahdi's army theme song will play afterwards (Yelagoona lo beehum Zod).


Finish the game will all the players to unlock Abu Der'a.

Unlock Solagh: at the title screen, type: "DRILL".
Unlock Mashhadani: Choose Harith al-Dhari, and beat all the Shiite candidates 12 times (not each), return to the title screen, choose the password menu, the shoe icon will be active, click it, and voila, Mahmood al-Mashhadani.
Saddam Hussein has an alternate 'Baathist' costume, find all the underwear in the laundry level to unlock it.

*add-ins will include Donald Rumsfeld, Iyad Allawi and Mahmood Ahmedinijad.
*BATTLE ARENAS:
1. Bush's Lair
2. al-Askari Shrines
3. Sadr City
4. Abu Haneefa
5. Saddam's Republican Guard
6. al-Mashhadani's Lair (Iraqi Assembly Hall for the uninitiated) (Chairs are usable)
other fictional arenas.

This is one of many abandoned projects of mine, it's a mod for Mortal Kombat that enables you to play with Iraqi politicians, it got halted because I need either a good artist to draw look-alikes or actors who closely resemble the intended personalities, and I couldn't find any. It'd be cool if someone could give me a hand though...

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Iraqi Personalities : Shalash al-Iraqi

Americans keep asking us all the time to be grateful, having given much thought into what exactly are some of the things that we cannot evade but say "thank you" the way a grateful near-gone patient say it to the smug know-it-all doc, and one of the things no two Iraqis (given that they can read) will argue about being a good byproduct of American Invasiliberoccupation of Iraq is that we got to hear from Shalash al-Iraqi.

The importance of Shalash cannot be overstated enough, at its best, Iraqi art and literature have always verged on a quasi-real ambience that felt borrowed from an unreal, Shakespearean sketch of heroes and villains, it have worsened substantially under the totalitarain years by the added burden of forced tribute to the king - who often wrote novels for farts, what little post-relative war drama that managed to escape fake patriotism failed to reflect a true daring vision of life in an Iraqi street, and Iraqis lost interest following up such laughably unrealistic creations that have simply no relationship to day-to-day motivations of Iraqis; merely pretentious, poseur hambala (one can only point at the horribly languid dramas that showed during Ramadhan such as the laughable parallel-universe "Love Militia".

And out of all this wrecakge of theatrical wannabes and detached artistic indulgences came a voice so real in its simplicity that lights a candle of hope for all Iraqis every morning that he chooses to write. Since Septembr 25, 2005 - Shalash started to publish articles in well-known Iraqi website Kitabat.com, the first one or two articles were nondescript political commentary without any particular course, but soon Shalash began to craft satirical masterpieces about life in now-legendary Sadr City slums, his articles soon gained a large following and is heralded today as perhaps the most read Iraqi writer today. For the Western world, it is best to understand the impact of Shalash al-Iraqi by comparing him to the influence of Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn when it first hit out - it uses the language of the street to uncover social diseases with unflinching blatancy, there are actually many factors as to why Shalash is such a revered writer, first - quite simply, Iraqis need black humor as a pscyhological defense with urgent demand ; nothing practical seems to work and while we can't fix it, we might as well use the defense of the joke, like the small nourishement of an anti-Saddam joke back in the relatively 'good' days of the moustached tyrant. Second, Shalash manages to hit on all the rights strings that defines a typical Iraqi in a time where it's very hard to find a good depiction of that: From his very name 'Shalash', the image he conveys is of a simple, downtrodden man who looks at the follies of the world at large and cannot do anything about it, a straight man who revers holy figures but is not particularly religious, aware of his sect without it being a problem that transcends his nationality. Politically, Shalash is not biased toward any particular group, he has one day been honored by the government for that day's article which made fun of 'the enemies of the state' only to be severely threatened for the next day's article, like most Iraqis, Shalash is especially spiteful towards all Iraqi politicians and generals and has only apathy for Americans.

Shalash is a great study into the Iraqi psyche.

And, he is so funny.

Shalash is one of the few writers that can make me fall out of my chair in surprised laughter, it is hard to convey to you how exactly he does it and how well he does it, becuase the charm lies in how his words dance together in their streetwise charm - it might be important to notice that the usual written word is Classical Arabic, which further creates a sense of detachment from an Iraqi's everyday experience, when you you open an Arabic novel, you are teleported into a different world. Shalash keeps you firmly entrenched in your mundane surroundings while making their otherwise dull presence shine with gleeful charm. Most importantly Shalash makes you proud of the fact that you are Iraqi, that your culture can be so funny, can be so touching, he brings back a piece of importance and glory to this suffering land that has become largely dependent on past days' glories. Shalsh isn't just a talented talker with the commitment of transcribing his words to paper, he is a crafted, encyclopediac writer who is skilled with all the ins and outs of storytelling - Taking Sadr City as a starting point, Shalash creates a dynamic universe to set his stories in: while not fictional by any means, Shalash utilizes an array of characters who are often comical exaggerations to create an enjoyable experience that carries his idea forward, characters such as fan-favorite Khanjaar, (literally translates as dagger), an ignorant, flamboyant person with who always is where the money at, a somewhat accurate comic sketch of the mentality of people in the Mahdi's Army or Nowira, wife of Ghurab (Enlightened, wife of Crow): the woman who knows all the secrets and scandals of the street or many others, Shalash has managed to provide a consistent string of classics until February of 2006, where his tone has notoriously changed - his writings became less frequent and when he did actually write, his articles lacked his quick down-to-earth wit and were instead formless ravings about how bad it is with machinegun curses at most of the Iraqi politicians, a tactic far removed from Shalash's masterful humilitation of them in his earlier articles, Zeyad said that one of his friends has been killed, but I have no evidence of this anywhere. However, as of late - Shalash seems to be recovering and is writing more regularly, his recent writings seem to indicate that he has a newfound hunger and is recuperating, it is still not as good as his older ones, and some people doubt that it comes from the same person, but we may now be blinded by the weight of expectation or it needs some time to sink in.

Little is known about Shalash's true identity for reasons understood, judging from his knowledge about Sadr City it is safe to say that he has lived there for some time, but it is doubtful whether he continues to live there now.

A SAMPLE OF HIS WRITINGS:

Shalash's pieces sometimes are just for the fun of it, but more often than not they are allegories that might be missed if u don't look close enough, I have chosen this piece because its brilliance lies not in its language but in the idea, it is one of the few pieces which Shalash has written largely in Classical Arabic.

"THE ETERNAL NIGHTMARE OF COMRADE JABIR"

16 October 2005

The tale of Jabir and Mahdi begins in 1982, when comrade Jabir, a Baath official in one of al-Thawra* city's districts insisted to pry Mahdi from the arms of his mother and two orphaned sisters to enscript him in the ranks of the People's Army to contribute in the war against the "Fire-worshipping Iranian" enemy.

Mahdi tried and tried to evade his fate by changing the courses and timings of his comings and goings between his home and his workplace at "al-Jawadain bakery shop", but he finally fell into the trap, while Mahdi was going to work in an early morning hour Jabir finally managed to trap him and to force him inside the section's car. Mahdi's tears and beggings did not soften the heart of comrade Jabir nor his fellow comrades, and when Mahdi gave up on it, He only asked for a chance to inform his sick mother, who has nobody to support her but him, but the Party taught Jabir to only follow the prinicples. The car drove on and Mahdi found himself in a training camp away from his mother's eager heart, who awaited him duly on the doorstep until late night when she knew for sure that he fell into comrade Jabir's vile hands. "What I feared has come true" she said to herself and sobbed heartfully. The next day, she called upon Fatima, her eldest daughter, to show her the way to the comrade's house, which is normally called 'The official's house', a weak hand knocked on the door, and comrade Jabir opened it and explained to her with courtesy that the country needs men and out of his respect for Mahdi's neighboring of him he will ask for someone to take care of him, adding that it's "only a matter of months". when Mahdi's mother explained in between tearful shrieks their hard living conditions "By the Abaas, we do not have a lump of bread", comrade Jabir curtly said that "The country is passing through a difficult historic stage and we must sacrifie the expensive and the precious for the eyes of Abu Oday*, this is what men are destined for."

In the first attack he was flung into, Mahdi was captured in the famous 'al-Shoosh' battle, to find himself in a camp on the Soviet-Iranian borders where he lived his youth as a prisoner facing extremely difficult conditions: "We ate very few rice and bread, never meat, and we tried to cut our way through ice which was a meter thick, by our plates, hearing nothing of the outside world and on top of that...." Such a thing was normally heard from Mahdi upon his return.

In 1987, one of the most bizarre, if not nightmarish, things happened, as during a visit of a member of the Supreme Council of the Islamic Revolution (SCIRI) to the prison camps to issue a religious seminar, a man by the name of Fadhil who wore a turban and was close to al-Hakim's family which owns the council, this man was accompanied by four aides, the foremost of them was, lo and behold, comrade Jabir, yes, comrade Jabir who also was captured in 1985 and announced his repention, becoming one of the repentors who formed the Badr Brigade.. Madhi felt the earth shaking below him seeing that the heavens has unleashed Jabir upon him in his homeland and now to this forgotten spot of the earth....oh my god, what is going on!! Mahdi said this while his eyes shot to the sky. Comrade Jabir took a few steps towards Mahdi after having recognized him, he said: "God has sent me as mercy to you, oh Mahdi, how much have you changed...look at the white enveloping your hair, what ghost do I see? Are you really Mahdi, my longtime neighbour, do not lose hope, God will forgive you, come, I shall register your name with one of the repenters to be one of the heores of Badr Brigade, under the banner of Imam Khomeini may God extend his presence, we shall free Iraq from the unbelieving tyrant Saddam may God curse him."

Mahdi took a long look at Jabir's equally long beard and his new appearance, and he replayed in his head the image of this wolf when he spoke about principles and the Qadissiya* of Saddam, and the banner of the hero of national liberation, valiant comrade Saddam Hussein (May Allah bless him and keep him)." He regained what might he has and said: "Listen Comrade Jabir....Hasn't it been you who has brought me here? Hasn't it been you who ruined my life? What do u want more of me?! Have you not prevented my mother from my sight and left my sisters shelterless? Ok, I forgive you for all of this...but if you want to make a traitor out of me then by God that I will not forgive....in the end of days you want to make me an agent....of what are you made? There an official and here an official, what the hell are you?!"

Jabir smiled slyly and replied quitely to his poor prey: "Listen Mahdi, you are not one who is of use and you must have believed yourself, you must know that I am a leading person, here, there or in Mars. God created me a leader, what can I do? It's not in my hand...I'll give you a week to think this through and after this you know what can be done to you....you dirty, unbelieving Baathist!" Mahdi held himself and restrained a spit that urged to let go, he turned his face away from this low agent and withdrew inside his cage with tears raining from his eyes.

A week later, comrade Jabir would host daily torture parties for Saddamist Mahdi, as he liked to call him, torture parties that Mahdi could not fully describe, because the minute he remembers them his eyes swell with tears, his face goes pale and his temperature goes up, only to sweat and to shy away from those present.. Days passed, the war was over and Mahdi returns to find that his mother has passed away after losing her sight in sadness for his departure, while his thin sisters are living on the aids of neighbors and the charity of relatives...Mahdi depended on God and began his life anew in the bakery shop during the horrible years of economic blockade....

Days yet again passed, Saddam's regime collapsed and things got messy. Today, in the constitutional referrendum center, which Mahdi decided to vote yes for, he entered with his elderly composure, curved back and hesitant steps...slowly he headed towards the record employees, and suddenly his eyes fell upon two eyes that were watching him between a number of Badrist ring-yielding bearded men who were watching the center, his soul shrank and he almost fell face flat on the floor when Jabir called loudly:

"Mahdi! Lak* Mahdi is that you? What brings you here?!"

Mahdi grunted a near-dead yes that even he could barely hear.

"What will you vote for, ya* Baathi?"

"Yes. I will vote a yes and if you would like you can write it for me."

"Ah ya Mahdi the Baathi, what did you refuse to repent and spent your years rotting in cages, why did you not believe me when I said that I am a natural-born leader and you are an insect, but an insect that cannot make heads from tails."

Mahdi stared into the face of his perennial tormentor and said: "You are a traitor....a natural-born traitor." Mahdi said that sentence and disappeared.

----------------------------

*: Thwra: Sadr City's name before Saddam's time, in which it was named Saddam City (people still called it by its original name, Thawra, in their normal conversation, which is its original name, literaly meaning Revolution)

Qadissiya: Baath term for the Iraq-Iran war, allegroy to the historic Battle of Qadissiya, during which Arabs conquered Iraq from Persians

Lak: Iraqi preposition, a rugged form of calling someone that can be either offensive or ruggedly friendly. it's short for 'Wayl Lak', which means "A plague be upon you"

Ya: Arabic preposition, meaning 'O', as in 'O Lord'.

The way I see it, this story has a simple moral and a more composed one, the first of which is the direct criticism of SCIRI and people who always seek to rule over others - and the other is an allegory to Iraqis and their rulers during the course of several reigns, as Jabir becomes the complete shell for the cruel Iraqi ruler and Mahdi is the suffering citizen. Note that while the narrative is in classical Arabic, all dialogue between characters is rendered in slang, except the first speech given by Jabir when he repents, to add a religious and authoritative weight to it which is quickly countered by his fact-sheet style second speech.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Har

This makes fun of everything and everyone....It is hugely offensive, but is hugely hilarious as well, take your pick.


Osama and Saddam - video powered by Metacafe

Monday, April 10, 2006

Freedom's 3rd Birthday, and Happy Birthday, Prophet Mohammed!

"I was born in the cemetery
under the sign of the moon
raised from my grave
burned dead
and I was made a mercenary
in the legions of hell
now I'm king of pain
I'm insane"
- King Diamond

(Music: Sami Yusuf - Al Muallim)
Prophet Mohammed (Peace be upon him) was born in Mecca in the Sixth Century year of 570 AD, in the year known as the Year Of The Elephant, by the time when he was 40, he frequently spent time alone in a cave known as Huraa cave, when the Angel Garbiel desecended upon him with the first words of the Holy Quraan, signaling the beginning of Islam which spread onward to the rest of the world yadda yadda yadda and they married and lived happily ever after.

Now to important stuff.

Oblivious to everything as always and at 5 PM today, I was in my room pretending to study for my B.Sc but actually trying to get some highly inconveniently placed hairs in my nose, when I was subtly entranced by an array of sounds that pretty much resembled a mighty crash of so many kettles, teapots, and some other assorted faux-aluminum pans and pots all crashing together at the same time. Word? turns out it's the Birthday Surprise Party for Prophet Mohammed at the local mosque...usually at this time of day the mosque would broadcast subtle Quraan readings way until the Sunset (Maghrib) prayer but today they apparently hurled out the nearest cassette they can find of Prophet Praise, which I think was recorded in a kitchen. the guys in the scene were taking his Birthday as a subtle excuse for dancing the life out, 15 minutes onward, I just couldn't take it anymore and decided to join in the celebration my own way, by locking the room tight and shedding out my Gibson Airguitar Extravaganza and accessory
longhair wig for a lean'n'mean session of headbanging classics, a ritual I haven't done in a looong time, this is the only reason for the Mercyful Fate quote headlining this post.

Shortly afterwards though, power went down, silencing pretty much everyone.

The festival brought back some fond long-buried memories, too. Back in 1995, when I was a wee 12 years old, I was also, ahem, now this might shock you, but...I was a mosque enchanter.

* THE SECRET LIFE OF KONFUSED KID THE MOSQUE LEAD SINGER*
(Music : Led Zeppelin - What Is and What Never Should Be)


WHAM? SLAM? BAM? true, at the pristine age of 12 - my parents, both religiously committed, enlisted me at the local mosque to learn Chapter 30, the easiest one, of the Koran by heart - amongst other local kids, as the days approached the Birthday, we sensed some kind of frenzy amongst the mosque administration, turns out the mosques engaged in giving out some kinda 'activities' to cememorate the day, one of which included Islamic chants, so they took our group (some 6 students) and gave us some Islamic chants to chant, pretty soon, they discovered me - I had a good singing voice - and that I know all the Holy Names of God, a chant I figured in my childhood, and pretty soon I was made lead singer of the band.
This starts a tour amongst lots and lots of mosques in the area that pretty much lasted a month, we would chant for a bit and then I'd do my piece, only to be rewarded afterwards by a large dish of KOOZI (rice and lamb meat, amongst other niceties) which we would eat by hand like some hungry sons of bitches who's never tasted anything for the whole year, and there were some weird days, the first performance, we were gathered early for the chant so we decided to spend some time by playing soccer, luckily, there was a beautiful garden nearby where we could play much more nicely than the usual streets, to avoid tearing up our dishdasha (traditional Muslim white-cloth), unfortunately, after an hour-long of fights, curses (lots of which were
directed at God and all that is holy, as pretty much all street soccer matches are), and slide tackles, we ended up looking like....SHIT...that's all I could say, our white ironed dishdashas looked now like army camouflage with so many grass-brown stripes, and we were supposed to perform now.We did it anyway....them were days, but now the band's broken apart and everybody's gone their separate ways, no more touring for these bad, sad Afghan version of the backstreet boys...
* END *

Baby, if this ain't turning into a nice old Islamic Republic of Iraq...spitting image of its sister eastward - I am sure u noticed I'm kinda cranky at the subject, not that I mean any disrespect for the holy prophet (much to the annoyance of some of my marauding friends) but I am so sick and tired of these fucking religious ceremonies, Death of Hussein, ha, we got the Birth Of Mohammed, and all these Shiite visitors can't wait to visit Imam Ali to 'congratulate him on the birth of the prophet', as if they're both real, breathing persons and not old long-gone 7th century dudes.

(Music : Iron Maiden - The Evil That Men Do)
In reality, I think this festival is incorrect by its own right, and I think the prophet wouldn't approve of it if he was amongst it, there are only two 100% certified festivites in Islam : Eid Al-Adha and Eid Al-Fitr, all else is bid3a (creative balooney).

Crikey, verily.

Today, the prophet just made his 1436 birthday, damn that's a lot of candles, if we were to make a cake, I think people would be pretty much eating the wax off the 1436 candles than anything else. and what can we bring as presents anyway?

and of course there's that oh-so-adorable part-time hooker TV broadcaster on such cheap call-quiz Satellite stations such as STRIKE TV, who offered important statements that shed much-
needed light on the ceremony today :و

مرسي خالص للله و لحالكن و بنقول للنبي الكريم هابي برثداي

There sister, you just made yourself a hassana, may Allah put u in Janna.
And the answer to the riddle is an Ostrich, dammit, a fuckin' Ostrich.
Should i just call?
Ow, who cares!

Happy Birthday, Prophet Mohammed!

(MUSIC : Happy Birthday To You)

**************
In other news, today marks Freedom's 3rd year, she now knows how to walk and talk and is still stumbling through her first words way beyond normal age for talking, yesterday she almost spit out 'roadside bomb' and 'armed car with big boo-boo', Freedom looked pretty darn cute on the first days, but these days she's turning into a real ugly boar, we avoid looking in her face most of the time, her teeth are falling apart and something is growing at her nostrils, we are seriously considering dumping her at the nearest trash-joint...

If Saddam died these nearby days, I think the gravestone should read:
BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW.
and he'd be glad, that son-of-a-gun.
Anyway,
Happy Birthday, Freedom! ....
(MUSIC : Mawtini)

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Mohammed vs Laudrup

The year is 1992, I am a small kid, about 7 years old, I am frantically on my way back home, I get out from the car and leave my parents wondering in their seats....shit shit shit, I gotta get there on time...it can't be true, the bell is already ringing in my mind's eye, grandma opens, I push her aside and go over to the TV set...


and by the lordy Allah it's true, oh my Allah! it can't be!


Denmark has scored the second!
It was 1992 Euro Cup finals, Germany vs Denmark, I was a real German at the time, they exerted a much more attractive halo than the boring USA dudes who always win.
some dude named Marc Laudrup scored twice, it was my first encounter with the Danes, and it left a permanent childhood scar that forever haunted me...
so there, I told ya! u keep shutting me up but I told u and u won't listen...Denmark is the devil! Told u, for ten years I been tellin' ya....they are no use, there is no use....and now it's been done, now it's broke and ain't nobody's gonna do something about all the shit...


I wake up, go to the fridge, do a sleepy-eye makeshift inspection, and voila, there in the treacherous corner of the first drawer....what the?
An almost depelted package of Danish butter Lurpak...
Blood and sugar pressures went to the devil immediately...this is outrage! This is blasphemous, how can a Danish product survive in our god-abiding, muslim household...La, and a thousand La...I took out the cursed vile from the refrigerator and recalimed the appliance in the name of Islam.
I whipped out a knife, and with a ear-piercing 'Allahu Akbar' that startled my half-deaf gradnma I charged, cutting up the cursed butter into slices, frantically, I spread that on bread and added the nice aftertouch of strawberry blood - munching up the dreaded work of Satan quickly into oblivion, my mission to eradicate the evil conspiracy off the face of the planet was a resounding success!


Burp.

Seriously now,
I've already talked this at New York Times, my attitude was that of regret over the the Muslim reaction but with a somewhat Arabian pride - not the usual look-how-stupid-we-are stance taken by secular thinkers. Unforuntaely, I gave the Times the luxury to edit as they please, I was a wee lad, couldn't believe it, so they shelved up the Arab pride aspects - and so I felt I had to re-write my mind.
Some blogging friends of mine have already pointed out that them people who cry foul cuz the prophet's drawn are irrelevant cuz he's already been done a thousand times are a little missing the point, and so are other friends who for some unknown reason think the fuss is cuz Danish people did it are WAAY missing it...
not to sound like I'm full-of-myself selling-crap-for-cake pipe-mouth but here's my 2 cents :
First off, the publishing act in itself got the heat because of THE TIMING. The timing is critical, always, think Nirvana's Nevermind or Michael Jackko'S thriller - hitting the world at the right hour on the zeitgeist clock...
and what better timing to create a chaos when relations between Muslims and the West are constantly muddy after Septemebr 2001, the unspoken public Image of Islam has finally bared its ugliness out in the open -
Now, listen, just shut up and listen a minute before u go burning embassies and churches, it is natural somehow that this feast of uncovery would manifest itself in a country as removed from the affair as Denmark, had this occured in US or Uk, it probably wouldn't have seen the light of day cuz these people are knee-deep in shit with Islam already, they know it hurts the public image and wouldn't tolerate that kind of stuff. It's only common sense that this Western perspective of Islam would be more visible on the parts of world that are a little more ignorant of the sensitivty of such subjects and didn't forsee the true enormity nor concept of what is afoot - good ole Danes are probably the most tolerant of the lot and didn't munch about with Islamic jihaad, so they let loose what is a general overview of Islam not in Denmark but the West in general, in the same way that the cartoons aren't about Mohammed explicitly but really describes Muslims objectively, but u have to have it in a box so u can point ur finger at it, and Denmark unwittingly reaped what they sow.
I have always disliked collective judgement 'All mosul people are cheap'....'all Kuwait are Moslem Jews'....blah blah blah...So right now it's 'All danish are Islam-haters' the cartoons more or less is the indirect product of Al-Qaeda's battles with the West; the violent un-tolerant ideas they presented to the world as Islam, when u're sitting around at the best country in the world living the American Life, and some maniac kabooms a plane to ur favorite trade tower in the name of Islam and Muhammed, would u expect urself to understand the more tolerant aspects of the religion, aspects which hasn't affected u in any way or to fear and hate the gun-toting bearded dude who appears on TV and threatens to eradicate all ur life away for no particular reason of YOUR own doing?
Don't call ur friend for this one.
and so the rest of the Moslem world hung its collective world like it always did and let Bin Laden do the talking, then there's always these people :


Kid : Look at these embassies burning! They're loonies!Grandma: Why is that? They get what they deserve! those heathens, insulting our religion like this...Kid : Well i'm with the demonstrations and all, but what about the violence?Grandma: Things get out of hand...u know...too much spirit...Kid : What about the church bombings here?Grandma : That's Jew's work...like the Sep 2001....
welcome to the way life works presented by A Muslim...Jews Jews jews...Tom & Jerry? Arab & Jew! Adil Imam? Jew...Michael Jackson? Jew....Ur slipper cut off? Jew did it while u sleeping....


Aha! Eureka, we solved it! then u get these clueless Danish dudes who want to do the book about Islam, he can't find a cartoonist, so he tests the freespeech, in this rational gleeful offensive way Westerners often do.
The act was stupid, the insults intended, but perhaps innocent in not knowning how offensive! they could've did a vague Muslim caricature but they had to go and pick on the prophet himself! I believe in freedom of speech and all that, but this is kicking waay below the belt dude, Jyllands-Posten itself declined to publish Jesus-related material, citing its likely to create 'unfavorable tension'....and why can nobody diss the holocaust then? ha? answer me this?....fuckin' double-standards...
The acts of bombings, protests and embassy fires have cemented the fact that Muslims in general are intolerant and barbaric on such religious matters, and probably on all matters. In my opinion, what was needed was a reaction of dignity, a reaction that showed ur offender how small and meaningless was his childish purposes were...I'm all for the economic sanction...it's effective, suave and wouldn't hurt anybody in the physical sense, unfortunately, that is all apeshit in a nation of short-tempered history.
But i can't deny another thing....
U know...I watch these marches, and I feel it, THE PRIDE, the dangerous pride, of the ancient nation....that we can do something, we ain't as scattered, fat and torn as we have always thought we are, the force of reaction was fierce and admirable - i know it was wrong, but it was enjoyable in a sick kind of way, it's really weird, it's like when this one time Ahmedinijad was barking on the TV about not giving in to USA ways, and there's my grandpa saying :
'I like that motherfucker'
Grandpa! Why u painter, poet, Iraqi military ambassador at USA in the sixties, Sunni colonel...why would u say such a thing?
'Cuz he ain't afraid of the West'
and that's just right! he put it perfectly, the march, Ahmedinijad and even Bin Laden all cast a glint of sick, incorrect pride in the heart of every true Moslem no matter how much he tells u he condmens these vile acts, cuz we are born and raised on lost glory and the true embodiment of Islam, nevermind the nuke or the misguided Jihad, i'm talking about my own star-spangled banner, these are the only people who put up a fight when everybody's else is in bed with the powers that be.

There is nothing wrong with that pride, but the fault is in that so far there is no outlet for it except by being an outlaw.

And therefore, urgent need is now for another facet of that pride, a facet that is both morally and politically correct - the moderate Islam rising up to counter-act the four years of Islam extremism has done to deform its name.
The cartoons are a blessing in disguise, Islam has a golden opportunity now to present its moderate, forgiving core to the masses at large, at its real heart - Islam is more about free debate and forgiveness. Both the cartoons and Bin Laden are the work of extremists on either sides of the factions, extremists who try to widen the gap between cultures.
The prophet has been routinely kicked and spit upon in his early days, but he was patient, he was patient, he never did what u all did now...witness this quran verse : 'O unbelievers, I do not worship that which u worship...u have your religion and I have mine', nobody cares about it now cuz it promotes freedom of religion and that's incompatible with the common Islam idea in the west...Islam needs to abandon the sword and beard and wear the suit and tie, like Kurt Cobain once said : 'Infiltrate the system, then rot from within'


This post was more hard-hearted and cynical originally, but I watched Amro Khalid's two-centing the topic yesterday and I am ashamed to tell all my rock'n'roll-mentality brothers that tears actually streamed down my face...Islam's a beautiful thing....it's so sad what's going on...

'We have made you into different nations and cultures so that you may know and learn from each other'- Holy Quran