Happy Birthday, Abu Jasim!!!

Yesterday, Mohammed ibn Abdillah, salla allahu 'alayhi wa salam, the prophet of the Muslim faith, turned, wait, 1438 years, my mother made a cake for him, a chocolate and caramel cake with strawberries, I don't think she could fit 1438 candles on it, anyway, my parents, in a rare ceremonial move, decided to hold a "festival" in this anniversary yesterday, in which each family member is required to prepare an anecdote about the prophet. The cheery family sat down at tea-time like some cheesy scene from those Islamic Educational TV series nobody watches, my father talked about something, my mother talked about something else, my sister talked about the Danish Cartoons Controversy, and my 14-year-old Metallica-freak brother talked about something he didn't understand, while I hung out and played pool, chess and checked out some babes, I also decided to try out the Bluetooth-style pick-up technique at City Mall, all I got was a dozen guys and a lone woman called "Um Mazin", I sent a Divorce SMS to Um Mazin انت طالق ثلاثا and that's it.

ولد الهدى فالكائنات ضياء و فم الزمان تبسمُ وثناء

Happy Birthday, Abu Jasim!
My 2006 post about this occasion, it also has some history about my stint as the lead singer of an Islamic boyband that tours mosques when I was 12, it's funny, wil nabi.

Freedom's 3rd Birthday, and Happy Birthday, Prophet Mohammed!

"I was born in the cemetery
under the sign of the moon
raised from my grave
burned dead
and I was made a mercenary
in the legions of hell
now I'm king of pain
I'm insane"
- King Diamond

(Music: Sami Yusuf - Al Muallim)
Prophet Mohammed (Peace be upon him) was born in Mecca in the Sixth Century year of 570 AD, in the year known as the Year Of The Elephant, by the time when he was 40, he frequently spent time alone in a cave known as Huraa cave, when the Angel Garbiel desecended upon him with the first words of the Holy Quraan, signaling the beginning of Islam which spread onward to the rest of the world yadda yadda yadda and they married and lived happily ever after.

Now to important stuff.

Oblivious to everything as always and at 5 PM today, I was in my room pretending to study for my B.Sc but actually trying to get some highly inconveniently placed hairs in my nose, when I was subtly entranced by an array of sounds that pretty much resembled a mighty crash of so many kettles, teapots, and some other assorted faux-aluminum pans and pots all crashing together at the same time. Word? turns out it's the Birthday Surprise Party for Prophet Mohammed at the local mosque...usually at this time of day the mosque would broadcast subtle Quraan readings way until the Sunset (Maghrib) prayer but today they apparently hurled out the nearest cassette they can find of Prophet Praise, which I think was recorded in a kitchen. the guys in the scene were taking his Birthday as a subtle excuse for dancing the life out, 15 minutes onward, I just couldn't take it anymore and decided to join in the celebration my own way, by locking the room tight and shedding out my Gibson Airguitar Extravaganza and accessory
longhair wig for a lean'n'mean session of headbanging classics, a ritual I haven't done in a looong time, this is the only reason for the Mercyful Fate quote headlining this post.

Shortly afterwards though, power went down, silencing pretty much everyone.

The festival brought back some fond long-buried memories, too. Back in 1995, when I was a wee 12 years old, I was also, ahem, now this might shock you, but...I was a mosque enchanter.

* THE SECRET LIFE OF KONFUSED KID THE MOSQUE LEAD SINGER*
(Music : Led Zeppelin - What Is and What Never Should Be)

WHAM? SLAM? BAM? true, at the pristine age of 12 - my parents, both religiously committed, enlisted me at the local mosque to learn Chapter 30, the easiest one, of the Koran by heart - amongst other local kids, as the days approached the Birthday, we sensed some kind of frenzy amongst the mosque administration, turns out the mosques engaged in giving out some kinda 'activities' to cememorate the day, one of which included Islamic chants, so they took our group (some 6 students) and gave us some Islamic chants to chant, pretty soon, they discovered me - I had a good singing voice - and that I know all the Holy Names of God, a chant I figured in my childhood, and pretty soon I was made lead singer of the band.
This starts a tour amongst lots and lots of mosques in the area that pretty much lasted a month, we would chant for a bit and then I'd do my piece, only to be rewarded afterwards by a large dish of KOOZI (rice and lamb meat, amongst other niceties) which we would eat by hand like some hungry sons of bitches who's never tasted anything for the whole year, and there were some weird days, the first performance, we were gathered early for the chant so we decided to spend some time by playing soccer, luckily, there was a beautiful garden nearby where we could play much more nicely than the usual streets, to avoid tearing up our dishdasha (traditional Muslim white-cloth), unfortunately, after an hour-long of fights, curses (lots of which were
directed at God and all that is holy, as pretty much all street soccer matches are), and slide tackles, we ended up looking like....SHIT...that's all I could say, our white ironed dishdashas looked now like army camouflage with so many grass-brown stripes, and we were supposed to perform now.We did it anyway....them were days, but now the band's broken apart and everybody's gone their separate ways, no more touring for these bad, sad Afghan version of the backstreet boys...
* END *

Baby, if this ain't turning into a nice old Islamic Republic of Iraq...spitting image of its sister eastward - I am sure u noticed I'm kinda cranky at the subject, not that I mean any disrespect for the holy prophet (much to the annoyance of some of my marauding friends) but I am so sick and tired of these fucking religious ceremonies, Death of Hussein, ha, we got the Birth Of Mohammed, and all these Shiite visitors can't wait to visit Imam Ali to 'congratulate him on the birth of the prophet', as if they're both real, breathing persons and not old long-gone 7th century dudes.

(Music : Iron Maiden - The Evil That Men Do)
In reality, I think this festival is incorrect by its own right, and I think the prophet wouldn't approve of it if he was amongst it, there are only two 100% certified festivites in Islam : Eid Al-Adha and Eid Al-Fitr, all else is bid3a (creative balooney).

Crikey, verily.

Today, the prophet just made his 1436 birthday, damn that's a lot of candles, if we were to make a cake, I think people would be pretty much eating the wax off the 1436 candles than anything else. and what can we bring as presents anyway?

and of course there's that oh-so-adorable part-time hooker TV broadcaster on such cheap call-quiz Satellite stations such as STRIKE TV, who offered important statements that shed much-
needed light on the ceremony today :و

مرسي خالص للله و لحالكن و بنقول للنبي الكريم هابي برثداي

There sister, you just made yourself a hassana, may Allah put u in Janna.
And the answer to the riddle is an Ostrich, dammit, a fuckin' Ostrich.
Should i just call?
Ow, who cares!

Happy Birthday, Prophet Mohammed!

(MUSIC : Happy Birthday To You)

**************
In other news, today marks Freedom's 3rd year, she now knows how to walk and talk and is still stumbling through her first words way beyond normal age for talking, yesterday she almost spit out 'roadside bomb' and 'armed car with big boo-boo', Freedom looked pretty darn cute on the first days, but these days she's turning into a real ugly boar, we avoid looking in her face most of the time, her teeth are falling apart and something is growing at her nostrils, we are seriously considering dumping her at the nearest trash-joint...

If Saddam died these nearby days, I think the gravestone should read:
BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW.
and he'd be glad, that son-of-a-gun.
Anyway,
Happy Birthday, Freedom! ....
(MUSIC : Mawtini)

Comment On Past Post

This was a normal unimportant comment but it got too long, i thought i'd put it here...

GRANDPA DAILY QUOTE :
'Dog son of a dog' -About Rumsfeld.


Gee folks...that's like the largest comment sections i ever got...

Anonymous...I wholeheartedly disagree with you, listen, your line of thinking can be followed, but I think it's somewhat incorrect because you assume that religion is treated similarly by all the folks involved, the key is not the comparison of reaction towards religious offence, but comparing reactions towards SENSITIVE topics. Difference between insults towards Mohammed and other religions is that Mohammed guys tend to take their religion much more seriously than Jesus and Moses guys, cuz that's just the way they are! Other things, such as the holocaust, face similar, if not proposterous, reactions from the Western world...I can only stare in wonder at the 3-year prison sentence given out to British historian Irving for simply DENYING the holocaust...very simple example of western double-standards, put that in your pipe and smoke it.

The evolution of violence in the demonstrations is very natural, unfortunate, true, but is a complete rational offspring of the political backdrop - I am against the violence itself, but I like the enthusiasm.
Freedom of speech is a beautiful thing, Dayez, and in a perfect world, I totally agree with you 100%, but there are subtle levels in the matter, for example :
This guy in our neighborhood, we don't like him a lot, matter of fact,one of his cousins had outright problems with one of us and nearly killed the sucker, so one day we're standing in front of his house in our regular corner when all of a sudden his hot mom comes out to water the garden, and voila, quite accidentally we see her things that should not be seen, now, considering that we kinda hate the dude, and considering that his mom is so fucking hot, so we spread the word around, calling his mom an intentional whore-under-the-blanket...
Now if the dude would react like u want, he would either ignore us, or try to talk reason with us, yes my mom wears short skirts, yes, folks, please, don't make a big thing, it's her thing, everybody has a thing, sil vous plait, oui, fuck me in the ass? yes?!?? Dude, i can't even complete that line of thought!

All this happens while we still draw naked pictures of her on the walls, and talk about how she begs for it everyday by exposing exclusive parts from the balcony...Put yourself in the dude's place, how many days would say would the guy wait before he dishes out the AK-47 for target practice? See what I mean...
some things are sensitive, very very sensitive, if these things are not sensitive to you, you should consider their sensitivity to other folks - Religion is not much of a topic in the West, except in the catholic circles, and maybe because of the ultra-violent things done in the name of the church, or maybe because of the Da Vinci Code...but It is serious here, DEAD serious.

CHALLENGE OF THE DAY (IRAQIS only):

In Da Vinci Code, Jacques Saunere writes out a complex code to his granddaughter before he dies, the code involves the reverred Fibonacci sequenece (pronounced Phi-bo-na-chi), to understand what this sequence really is about, close the door, make sure no one is around, and read the following word out loud :

Fibonaccni


L8erz
Ever Wisecracking Kiddo

Mohammed vs Laudrup

The year is 1992, I am a small kid, about 7 years old, I am frantically on my way back home, I get out from the car and leave my parents wondering in their seats....shit shit shit, I gotta get there on time...it can't be true, the bell is already ringing in my mind's eye, grandma opens, I push her aside and go over to the TV set...

and by the lordy Allah it's true, oh my Allah! it can't be!

Denmark has scored the second!
It was 1992 Euro Cup finals, Germany vs Denmark, I was a real German at the time, they exerted a much more attractive halo than the boring USA dudes who always win.
some dude named Marc Laudrup scored twice, it was my first encounter with the Danes, and it left a permanent childhood scar that forever haunted me...
so there, I told ya! u keep shutting me up but I told u and u won't listen...Denmark is the devil! Told u, for ten years I been tellin' ya....they are no use, there is no use....and now it's been done, now it's broke and ain't nobody's gonna do something about all the shit...

I wake up, go to the fridge, do a sleepy-eye makeshift inspection, and voila, there in the treacherous corner of the first drawer....what the?
An almost depelted package of Danish butter Lurpak...
Blood and sugar pressures went to the devil immediately...this is outrage! This is blasphemous, how can a Danish product survive in our god-abiding, muslim household...La, and a thousand La...I took out the cursed vile from the refrigerator and recalimed the appliance in the name of Islam.
I whipped out a knife, and with a ear-piercing 'Allahu Akbar' that startled my half-deaf gradnma I charged, cutting up the cursed butter into slices, frantically, I spread that on bread and added the nice aftertouch of strawberry blood - munching up the dreaded work of Satan quickly into oblivion, my mission to eradicate the evil conspiracy off the face of the planet was a resounding success!

Burp.

Seriously now,
I've already talked this at New York Times, my attitude was that of regret over the the Muslim reaction but with a somewhat Arabian pride - not the usual look-how-stupid-we-are stance taken by secular thinkers. Unforuntaely, I gave the Times the luxury to edit as they please, I was a wee lad, couldn't believe it, so they shelved up the Arab pride aspects - and so I felt I had to re-write my mind.
Some blogging friends of mine have already pointed out that them people who cry foul cuz the prophet's drawn are irrelevant cuz he's already been done a thousand times are a little missing the point, and so are other friends who for some unknown reason think the fuss is cuz Danish people did it are WAAY missing it...
not to sound like I'm full-of-myself selling-crap-for-cake pipe-mouth but here's my 2 cents :
First off, the publishing act in itself got the heat because of THE TIMING. The timing is critical, always, think Nirvana's Nevermind or Michael Jackko'S thriller - hitting the world at the right hour on the zeitgeist clock...
and what better timing to create a chaos when relations between Muslims and the West are constantly muddy after Septemebr 2001, the unspoken public Image of Islam has finally bared its ugliness out in the open -
Now, listen, just shut up and listen a minute before u go burning embassies and churches, it is natural somehow that this feast of uncovery would manifest itself in a country as removed from the affair as Denmark, had this occured in US or Uk, it probably wouldn't have seen the light of day cuz these people are knee-deep in shit with Islam already, they know it hurts the public image and wouldn't tolerate that kind of stuff. It's only common sense that this Western perspective of Islam would be more visible on the parts of world that are a little more ignorant of the sensitivty of such subjects and didn't forsee the true enormity nor concept of what is afoot - good ole Danes are probably the most tolerant of the lot and didn't munch about with Islamic jihaad, so they let loose what is a general overview of Islam not in Denmark but the West in general, in the same way that the cartoons aren't about Mohammed explicitly but really describes Muslims objectively, but u have to have it in a box so u can point ur finger at it, and Denmark unwittingly reaped what they sow.
I have always disliked collective judgement 'All mosul people are cheap'....'all Kuwait are Moslem Jews'....blah blah blah...So right now it's 'All danish are Islam-haters' the cartoons more or less is the indirect product of Al-Qaeda's battles with the West; the violent un-tolerant ideas they presented to the world as Islam, when u're sitting around at the best country in the world living the American Life, and some maniac kabooms a plane to ur favorite trade tower in the name of Islam and Muhammed, would u expect urself to understand the more tolerant aspects of the religion, aspects which hasn't affected u in any way or to fear and hate the gun-toting bearded dude who appears on TV and threatens to eradicate all ur life away for no particular reason of YOUR own doing?
Don't call ur friend for this one.
and so the rest of the Moslem world hung its collective world like it always did and let Bin Laden do the talking, then there's always these people :

Kid : Look at these embassies burning! They're loonies!Grandma: Why is that? They get what they deserve! those heathens, insulting our religion like this...Kid : Well i'm with the demonstrations and all, but what about the violence?Grandma: Things get out of hand...u know...too much spirit...Kid : What about the church bombings here?Grandma : That's Jew's work...like the Sep 2001....
welcome to the way life works presented by A Muslim...Jews Jews jews...Tom & Jerry? Arab & Jew! Adil Imam? Jew...Michael Jackson? Jew....Ur slipper cut off? Jew did it while u sleeping....

Aha! Eureka, we solved it! then u get these clueless Danish dudes who want to do the book about Islam, he can't find a cartoonist, so he tests the freespeech, in this rational gleeful offensive way Westerners often do.
The act was stupid, the insults intended, but perhaps innocent in not knowning how offensive! they could've did a vague Muslim caricature but they had to go and pick on the prophet himself! I believe in freedom of speech and all that, but this is kicking waay below the belt dude, Jyllands-Posten itself declined to publish Jesus-related material, citing its likely to create 'unfavorable tension'....and why can nobody diss the holocaust then? ha? answer me this?....fuckin' double-standards...
The acts of bombings, protests and embassy fires have cemented the fact that Muslims in general are intolerant and barbaric on such religious matters, and probably on all matters. In my opinion, what was needed was a reaction of dignity, a reaction that showed ur offender how small and meaningless was his childish purposes were...I'm all for the economic sanction...it's effective, suave and wouldn't hurt anybody in the physical sense, unfortunately, that is all apeshit in a nation of short-tempered history.
But i can't deny another thing....
U know...I watch these marches, and I feel it, THE PRIDE, the dangerous pride, of the ancient nation....that we can do something, we ain't as scattered, fat and torn as we have always thought we are, the force of reaction was fierce and admirable - i know it was wrong, but it was enjoyable in a sick kind of way, it's really weird, it's like when this one time Ahmedinijad was barking on the TV about not giving in to USA ways, and there's my grandpa saying :
'I like that motherfucker'
Grandpa! Why u painter, poet, Iraqi military ambassador at USA in the sixties, Sunni colonel...why would u say such a thing?
'Cuz he ain't afraid of the West'
and that's just right! he put it perfectly, the march, Ahmedinijad and even Bin Laden all cast a glint of sick, incorrect pride in the heart of every true Moslem no matter how much he tells u he condmens these vile acts, cuz we are born and raised on lost glory and the true embodiment of Islam, nevermind the nuke or the misguided Jihad, i'm talking about my own star-spangled banner, these are the only people who put up a fight when everybody's else is in bed with the powers that be.

There is nothing wrong with that pride, but the fault is in that so far there is no outlet for it except by being an outlaw.

And therefore, urgent need is now for another facet of that pride, a facet that is both morally and politically correct - the moderate Islam rising up to counter-act the four years of Islam extremism has done to deform its name.
The cartoons are a blessing in disguise, Islam has a golden opportunity now to present its moderate, forgiving core to the masses at large, at its real heart - Islam is more about free debate and forgiveness. Both the cartoons and Bin Laden are the work of extremists on either sides of the factions, extremists who try to widen the gap between cultures.
The prophet has been routinely kicked and spit upon in his early days, but he was patient, he was patient, he never did what u all did now...witness this quran verse : 'O unbelievers, I do not worship that which u worship...u have your religion and I have mine', nobody cares about it now cuz it promotes freedom of religion and that's incompatible with the common Islam idea in the west...Islam needs to abandon the sword and beard and wear the suit and tie, like Kurt Cobain once said : 'Infiltrate the system, then rot from within'

This post was more hard-hearted and cynical originally, but I watched Amro Khalid's two-centing the topic yesterday and I am ashamed to tell all my rock'n'roll-mentality brothers that tears actually streamed down my face...Islam's a beautiful thing....it's so sad what's going on...

'We have made you into different nations and cultures so that you may know and learn from each other'- Holy Quran