Friday, December 29, 2006

The End Of Konfusion: A Year In Review

And hereby ends another year of my life, as I am writing these words I am exactly 21 years, 3 months and 3 days old. Looking back now, I can quite confidently declare that this year was one of the most pivotal years of my entire life. A year filled with tears of joy and wails of lament, of surging pure love and utter despair and disappointment, a year that both contains both the best and worst days of my life, 356 days some of which I cherish and some I wish I never lived.

Outside, the year started as usual, badly. Fuel prices were just going to the devil and the Badr brigade was still running around as it pleases, despite with more outcries than before. Little did Iraqis know that they're in new worlds of pain and suffering, starting from the explosion of the Samarra golden dome in February 22, 2006 - in a massacre that continues to this date and only grows bloodier and more gruesome by each passing minute.
A new government was elected, the general feeling was a sick greenish one at the bottom of your stomach, many hands contained purpled fingers, but many others contained red ones. al-Jaafari found it kinda difficult that a bunch of other no-gooders will harrumph him outside his comfy chair, which was kinda getting more and more defined by his assprint - so he decided to stick as much as he can to it, before Sistani got fed up of reading these weird books in his bedroom and decided to sniff the air outside one day - his replacement, grumpy aftershave ad leftover material Nuri Kamil Abu Jowad Abu Israa Abu al Mahasain al-Maliki, proved as much ho-hokum as his predecessor, Dr. Ibrahim Abu Ahmed al-Ushayqar al-Ja'afari.
The year also witnessed other events which didn't change much in Iraq: The death of Abu Musa'ab al-Zarqawi, the end of Saddam's first trial with a death sentence, et voila. It is still a long way to go, in my opinion.

Personally, this year is perhaps the most important one in my life, aside from the year that I was born.

It started very lukewarm, until the dome explosion, afterwards, I began to gather an interest in the religious and historical sides of Islam, driven by an inherent curiosity regarding the Sunni-Shiite struggle, I gulped book after book in search of a meaning, and this have significantly reshaped my interests. I became a lot more politically motivated than before as a result of my blogging experiences with the New York Times and interaction with other fellow bloggers. In these aspects of my life, maybe a change that is bigger awaits me in the future, I feel like I want to do something, but I still do not know what that is yet.

This year contains the best day of my life: The Graduation Day, I have never felt such an exaltness and looseness in my entire life, I danced like crazy until i got too tired to stand up - maybe it's also because i felt very cool that day - Our costume was a Mexican Mariaachi, I was the only one with the long hair wig and the fake big moustaches, I was the talk of the town! I also wrote a song for the march and had the guys sing it, I felt very happy that day.
That day was June 5, 2006, six days later was the worst day of my entire life, my four friends were killed - for most people, graduation is a big thing, for me it didn't register much, because its joy was swiftly encompassed by the great sorrow that swallowed it - this event has changed my incredibly - I became very pessimistic towards Iraq's future and have now entirely different thoughts about my identity, before this year I used to think of myself as an:

1. Iraqi first, and most importantly
2. Arab second.
3. Muslim thirdly, not as important as the first two.

But today, I am:

1. Muslim first.
2. Arab second.
and I don't want to be an Iraqi, I didn't ask for being one in the first place.
The longhand explanation requires much discussions for which this year-in-review has no.
For me, "Iraqi" now is just a tag I am identified with, cuz of my dialect, the place I was born, etc- as for the emotions it conveys, it don't register here anymore. and I wonder if it ever did..actually. I am not even sad as I write this, I just want to say this out and loud for all to hear.

Let me detach myself and look at what I just wrote, you see how I have changed upside down, this is a moderate, kinda rational kid becoming more observant of his religion because of the violence, imagine what it does to those who have no education and mostly follow their emotions, and there are many channels by which extremism abounds....

Romantically, I fell in love for the second time in my entire life, and have been incredibly hurt by the experience, it was a scorching one-sided affair that ended in a very ugly way. As a rebound, I vowed never to play with people's feelings again and have finally broken up for good with my long-time ex-girlfriend (see how complex this was?)...Amazingly, I didn't sever all my ties with her yet!!!!
But I must say that romantically this year ends very happily, without giving much details away. ;)

Musically, I started actively jamming with a few chums in a no-particular-place-to-go heavy metal band, Hamballah. The project was intended to be a mini-gig at my graduation party, however, due to time constraints and intra-band friction (I love that phrase, it's like we're a real band!) the project fell apart. They did play behind my back, and the result was so cringe-inducing that it made me give up on my dream of being in a band, also, after recording a few things, I decided that I didn't have what it takes to become a vocalist/guitarist, mostly because my voice isn't up to shape - this, combined with me getting kinda bored with my playlist, made my musical interest decline considerably. Guitar is now a 3rd-level hobby, my new hobbies include blogging, history and most importantly filmmaking - I have finished my grand video project later last year, and have uploaded two short films of them at YouTube, I wanted to keep this a secret until I have uploaded other videos there, but I guess it's nice as a Christmas surprise, here.

This year also is the year I finally graduated from college, I wished to continue studying two more years in my M.Sc. studies, but the security condition has been especially unbearable for my grandparents, who decided to flee this year - also, the death of my two bestfriends left little desire for me to see the university anymore, it wasn't much worth staying around for anyway: Most of the teachers have left and the remaining close friends of mine have all left too. I wanted to continue studying because I was afraid of stepping into the real-life really, but now I have been flung into it, and I still have many things to learn. I also got me a job earlier at the beginning of this year, while it was a temp job that's not much of an experience, it's keeping me hanging around.




As you can see, this year has changed me remarkably, and it deserves the title of being the best year of my life...Most importantly, I am no longer Konfused about myself...In between the hurt of losing precious ones, being rejected, feeling love again, changing my home, I now feel like I have a purpose in life, It's not clear yet...but it's better than the earlier konfusion that was an integral part of me - lost between contradictory impulses such as girls, wanting to look cool, music, religion, family frictions.... I don't know if I should rename the blog or not, I mean - I'm still a Kid, but "Iraqi" and "Konfused" are feeling alien to me today. I feel like I am wiser and have learnt much, maybe not much - but it's a start on the journey.

It couldn't be said enough, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.

15 comments:

Matt said...

Excellent, Kid! You moved to the "new" Blogger. I can't stand when everyone else is still with the "old" and I can't comment due to compatibility issues. Well, there's nothing I can say that will make the bitterness that was sucked punched to your face go away. However, I'm glad you found some things that gave you sanity in a definite time span which was anything but sane, from what you've wrote. Nice to see your starting up with religion again. I've kinda lapsed with mine but it appears that regardless of which country a person is from, lapses in religion seem to be common during the college years. Anyways, congrats on the graduation. Keep your head up man! All the best!

Matt said...

Hey, I also just watched two of the three YouTube videos. Very nice! I especially liked the opening seconds (hell I liked the whole thing, too) of the video where you introduced everybody in your dept at college. It reminded me of Dire Strait's video for "Money for Nothing." Cheers.

beachmom1 said...

Kid,

I come to your blog for reality and the truth as you see it. That is what you have given to to the world from the beginning. And, I must say, your writing has really evolved -- you really have a talent and I hope you will be able to hone it as one of your "purposes" in life.

I am very, very sorry about what has happened to your country. And for the loss of your friends and home.

May 2007 bring you GOOD unexpected surprises, and, of course, keep blogging!

Anonymous said...

IKD:
But today, I am:

1. Muslim first.
2. Arab second.
and I don't want to be an Iraqi, I didn't ask for being one in the first.

Forgive a second opinion here but, I would say: Arab first, Iraqi second and Muslim if you insist. Clearly religion is an intellectual preference, your race and country are entirely outside your realm of choice! You can always leave your country and/or deny the existence of God!!

But race kinda sticks to you like a birth mark! There are certain nuances of behaviour that are indellible.

John

Tsedek said...

not-so-Iraqi not-so-Konfused Kid :)

Why can't you be

1. me
2. me
3. me

influenced, living through the motions and 'labled':

1. muslim
2. arab
3. iraqi


?

This is a sincere question...

Tse.

PS - great video's - I enjoyed them ...

Konfused Kid said...

anon...

there is a significant difference between the concept of 'religion' in your part of the world and mine. Religion is still a strong, sometimes the strongest, identification here - this explains Western puzzlement over outcries over, say, Mohammed cartoons - you cannot simply compare your own viewpoint with my Mid-Eastern one.

miraj said...

Kid, believe me, Arabs are even worse. I hate being an Arab but I hope you don't hate being Iraqi even though sometimes I do. Try to remember the good Iraqis and remember that you that kind of Iraqis not the killers and bastards. Arabs have two faces and they hate Iraqis, why you wanna be one of them?

baka said...

Khosh walad (tm).

Changing is good, I need to change too.
I think I've changed to the worse in that past year.

I wanna go back again ..
and what's more, I want my personality to be stronger and I want to be more confident with myself and not so easily gullible.

Being here, were as you put it, religion is not such a strong identification, you can easily get lost.
Man, I don't ever want to bare and raise my children here.
Even if I get married here (which I don't want to), if my wife becomes pregnant, I'd immediately fly back to say, Jordan or Syria.

I've also come to hate "Iraqism". Really I've never been "Iraqi", I've always been "Sunni Iraqi".
Screw the south and the north. I belong to Baghdad. Yes, I still regard Baghdad as the dearest place to my heart.

Don Cox said...

How about Human first, and then Muslim (if you have studied and thought about it), and then Arab (which is just an accident). It is more than time that we all started thinking of ourselves as members of one human family on this planet, and dropped all Us-versus-Them attitudes.

Jenny said...

Hiya Kid, watching the execution video on CNN just now, I thought of you and your blog and that's why I logged in, but now just read your post of yesterday.

I'm 37 now, and (with two kids and middle age setting in :)) just about remember how it is to be 21, and how pivotal years like that work no matter what goes around around you... it's strange how at that age years don't have to be particularly happy to be of importance and to be 'good' years. Well for 2007 I really wish for you (and those around you, and that stretched to the maxxx) to be able to expand all your activities, thoughts, in other words (personal and communal) growth in quieter, more peaceful 'normaller' circumstances. I hope that you will be one of the obvious many people for who, while you have declared yourself 'muslim first' will be able to shape this into new frontiers: And islam that can live and let live and celebrates life as much as martyrship? Maybe it's the wrong way of putting it, I didn't mean it in a patronising or insulting way, quite the contrary, I hope you understand what I mean.
Lots of love, and all the best, and please keep your wonderful writing up,
your one jewish friend :) XXX

Michomeme said...

i liked your post..

happy new year Kid..i wish you all the best..

Sang J. Moon said...

One question has been in the back of my mind. When I hear of Iraqis moving away from the violence, they always seem to want to leave the country. Why don't I hear more Iraqis talking of moving to northern Iraq "where the malls are" as said from one person? Northern Iraq is peaceful and prosperous as far as I can tell.

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