Satricial Iraq Statistics

I have found a great Arabic Wiki called Beidipedia (lit. Eggepedia) about the Middle East in general but is predominantly focused upon Iraq, its approach is to present satricial items in the traditional neutral news/encyclopedia approach a la The Onion. Their entry for Saddam Hussein is largely comprised of the blog post I wrote about him a while ago in Arabic (they even added the bits I wrote by myself about (Imam Izzat al-Abid) whoever you are, thank you), I've added to the few sites I list on the sidebar, which I consider as must-reads. I have also added the WikiIraq site which aims at being a more traditional source about all things Iraqi.
This is from their entry about Iraq (abridged):

IRAQ
Anthem: By Blood, By Soul, We Protect The Green Zone
Population: 25 million - (1 million x (this year - 2004))
Militas: None
Police: Local, National, International, Border, Baghdad Thieves Organization
Administrative Divisions: Sistanistan, Mes'oodistan, Armedcarstan
Constitution: Descended by Bremer and believed in by Iraqis
Capital: Erbil, Falluja, Najaf
Language: Disputed
Sects:
The majority of Iraqis are Shiite by 100%, the rest are Sunnis (apx. 100%), and there are other majorites such as Kurds and Kuldo-Assyrian-Syrian-Canaanines who follow Shafi'a Christian beliefs.
History: Iraq is the cradle of civillization, and Shish Kebab, and also have produced several prominent torture techniques against enemies of the prophet's household Nawasib and the grandchildren of al-Alqami Rawafidh, the latter prefer to use electric drills while Nawasibs prefer halal slaughter. Some of the most prominent historical and cultural practices of Iraqis include:

* Applauding Americans
* Applauding tryants
* Sending armed cars to their neighbors, breaking the world record consecutively in that category
*Voting in StarAcademy
*Insisting upon the unity of Sunnis and Shiites


The tone of the site varies from all-out satire such as the above and more elaborate commentary, it rigorously defends the famous Iraqi singer Saadi El Hilli against the barrage of homosexual jokes involving him for 20 years now, nevertheless, the site is steeped in pessimism against everything in the Arab world, my cup of tea and my kind of thing indeed. Great read, great site, i'm in heavens right now.


UPDATE (10 mintes later):
I can't stop laughing, tears are flowing down my eyes, if you can read Arabic, then this is a must, the entry about al-Hajajj was hilarious!

While Shaving...

No past and no tomorrow, all that you love will be carried away, why the hell am I feeling so angry for no reason, an anger that sometimes fades away when I'm having the great time of my life those days, laughing around with my brother and sister but it seems to be forever coming back, summoned from a hollow engraving deep down inside - like a bathroom that always smells vaguely of shit no matter how hard you wash it, mostly I feel it when I am walking alone in the empty streets, when there's nothing else to distract me from its morbid pulse, always there, silently starting, always feeling on the edge of explosion and facing it but never able to actually claim him, what I need is the reason, the pretext, the catalyst, looking at old college photographs don't help and it doesn't make me cry. I felt chronic, somewhat tired with my self-mocking apathy, I wasn't feeling this bad when I was in Iraq, an irony that is oddly similar to immediately hearing your grandmother loudly snoring after a huge IED explosion. Oddly detached, yet still there, composing my thoughts, the bathroom still seems vaguely of shit no matter how hard you wash it. I snort, trying to figure out what should I do with my facial hair this day and at the same trying to remember which al-Arabiya broadcaster I was sleeping with in yesterday's dream. No past and no tomorrow, every minute of your life counts, even those in bathrooms that suggest feces every minute, every second. Iraq is lost, down the toilet and up the ass. all that you love will be carried away, stephen king kept telling me yesterday, maybe i should finish that Fallout game and try to call it a day, the motherfucker Chou Seung whatshis face...eeeee....the media keep insisting that he's a monster but really all they want to say is how much we're loving it, sinister! bloody! horrible! and deep down they're squirming with joy, something is finally happening! no more bored scoops about the confused sons of dead sluts, what a bunch of losers we all are, i love the iraq war because it made you notice me, it's all about the attention and who gets it, how much we love the death and destruction, from what movie was this line from? Waking Life! and who was the girl? was it Suhair al-Qaysi? the Iraqi anchor with the chubby face or the pale blond one that always looks she just had sex, Suhair Murtadha? it's all lost. They're building al-Adhamiya zoo for al-Qaeda to walk around and France is choosing the new president, I decided on a small chin beard and began shaving...my mother didn't smell anything but why do I keep smelling it? perhaps it's the mental image in my brain, whatever it is, Maysoon Azzam! Maysoon Azzam! Maysoon Azzam! I felt happy at this silly little completion of yesteday's dream, a mental orgasm. I left the bathroom and got out.

Virginia Gunman Chou Plays

Here's the first one, basically a 13 year old fighting with his stepfather, Richard McBeef
and here's the second one: Mr. Brownstone.

Sarafiya Bridge

Yes, I'm angry, no time to be suave anymore. al-Sarafiya bridge is demolished. This is exorcism of some demons. not a real post, if u don't like it, fuck you.

Before I heard of what happened, I was watching an interview with a very disturbed individual, Mr. Mohammed al-Faydhi, the reason is that he is very disturbed is that he represents the Association of Muslim Armed Cars, better known as Muslim Scholars.
Some people get their fix when they bash America, but that's getting kinda stale in my opinion, and others just love throwing their feces eastward at the yellow-winds of the Persian Saffavids, but my personal venegance is against those fucking assholes who still shout those empty slogans such as 'Resistance', or 'Jihad'. Very arrogant, stubborn people without any vision for the future, all they care about is 'getting the occupation what', and then what? then what you motherfucker?!? THen what Khalid Jarrar?!? then what? The reason I was getting my teeth together was his explanation for the Muslim Gays position on al-Qaeda.

"Our position is clear, we support everyone who is against the American occupation but we condemn all the murders of innocent Iraqis, al-Qaeda entered at the beginning and did some very honourable deeds against the Americans, but afterwards they were infiltrated by people who began targeting innocent Iraqis."

Koss Ummak Ya Ibn al Sharmoota. So if a person kills 100 Iraqis and then kills 1 American then he should be lauded, this is the same reasoning which I used to hear from the Badrists and the Sadrists back in the day. Oh Yes, we are good people with honest deeds but we are infiltrated by some minority that does not represent us, as we represent the will of the Iraqi people. then do something about it, you Dickless Diaperhead...I just wish that you all will join the fate of that sadistic motherfucker right now where they're piling the molten lava that they could muster in his glorious netherend in the nether-realm.
And then a friend came and told me about Sarafiya Bridge - and as I saw the picture of that great strucutre on which I tread upon many days of my life, I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm really afraid of what might happen if structures I really care such as Imam Ali in Najaf or Abu Haneefa in Adhamiya are destroyed, now I can understand how Shiites felt when al-Askari was destoryed, it's horrible, just horrible i tell you, I pictured myself wearning the same armed belt, the same grenades and going around here to find where the fuck does that sick fuck Harith al-Dhari lives so I can just give him the taste of his medicine once and FOR ALL. What use is us? All we do is just sit around and do nothing as our country is destroyed by those pigs, those monkeys, those apes, Remember why I was so pissed off about that Star Academy bimbo? Because when al-Askari shrine happened I was really optimistic about the Sunnis and Shiite finally proving to the world that it doesn't matter like I always thought it doesn't, I was optimistic about all the joint prayers and I cursed fellow bloggers but then again I was proven how little do I know! So when I watched those 7 million asses voting and lauding it as some big deal I get a serene sense of Deja Vu, Fuck you Shada Hasson and fuck all the gay 7 million Iraqis who think you mean something...I'm beyond hate, beyond insanity now, beyond everything.

300

"It's basically a propaganda where Batman kicks al-Qaeda's ass" - creator of 300 comic Frank Miller, about his next Batman comic
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300 is a good movie technically speaking, I just wanted to clear that beforehand.

Now, Yuck.
That was my initial gut reaction as me and ExZombie, who seemed to like it, walked out of the Century Cinema, of course, it is partly due to the horrible abominations sold nearby as innocent hamburgers, but it was mostly because of Zack Snyder's big-screen abomination.
300 is the sort of film where you should walk in with your brain shut off and your eyes turned all the way up - revelling at the unforgiving bloody carnage like an al-Qaeda extremist as the first scene, which depicts how Spartans discovered natural selection by killing any weak babies around, gives you a hint at the comic-book mentality of what's coming up next, and it's a real guilty pleasure to caress your violence id as the visuals are a sight to behold, unfortunately you can't enjoy this wholeheartedly when every once in a while a phrase like 'ushering a new generation as we, protectors of freedom and democracy' against the 'darkness of mysticism and barabarism from the east' or 'let every brave warrior who came hither here, or in the NEXT CENTURIES, remember us, remember us, for what we stood for, and never underestimate the enemy...', and then there's the whole senate subplot....I did actually take the trouble to download the comic to see the differences, and the Senate bit exists nowhere - as King Leonidas prepares to go to war against the will of the gods, there is an intense political battle back home spearheaded by his loving wife against some sneaky dude called Theoden, so we get a fleeting passage of drama in which Nancy Pelosi....i'm sorry, Theoden, if you wanna look at it this way, accuses the Queen of being a traitor and not to reinforce the King Leoniads, in the end, the Queen can't stand it and simply whacks her trusty dagger in Pelosi's gut like somebody's wet dream, I kinda liked Clinton better, at least he jerked off to regular dames like the rest of us.

Another persistent theme is the mocking of religion, often the bread-and-butter of Hollywood, like Troy, where the Gods are mercilessly mocked, going as far as depicting that King Priam of Troy's only mistake was reliance on Apollo, highly contrary to Homer's intentions - 300 is very unkind to the Greek's Allahs and Jesuses, portraying their priests as decadent, half-men half-peanut butter creatures who live off touching the butts of poor oracles, and playing little gods over the population, this however, exists in the original comic-book.

Unfortunately, the filmmakers tried too much to hammer their pro-Bush foreign policy lest that walking-braindeath fanbase would get it that it ruined the setpieces for me, so much so that i wound up not remembering any, and don't get me wrong, i like that sort of film, I held about a gallon of pee all the way throughout Apocalypto for fear of missing a single bit of Aztec action and I didn't really feel it was racist in any sort, the difference, of course, is that the Aztecs are long gone - the Persians and their 'mysticism' (Islam?) are still around. However, it did make a fan of Frank Miller out of me, while I couldn't stand to read his 300 comic book, I went and downloaded his version of Batman, and so far, it's good stuff.

In the end, great visuals, great two-dimensional comic-book sensibilities, but shameless, god-awful propaganda, if you can stomach that, then go ahead by all means.

Daughter of My Ass

"Palestine is now a map on the breasts of hookers."
- Nizzar Qabbani

The above quote really sums up my whole feelings about this Bint-il-Rafidain ordeal, how countries today are mere slogans that are not really very different from corporate sponsorship.
I must say that it is with a feeling of pure and utter disgust that I feel I have to include such cotton-candy corporate whoredom show on my blog. and this contempt is now only compounded by the recent manufactured event of having the winner of the show, an Iraqi of Moroccan mother who's spent almost all of her life in France, to win the show and be trumpeted as the symbol of Iraq's unity. I could almost feel the blobs of vomit boiling up right now.

Zeyad's blog says that about 7 milllions inside IRAQ ALONE voted for her, that is a ratio of one out of four Iraqis but let us not forget that you can vote multiple times and some nerdy geeks finished whole prepaid cards on this travesty - I am against this show for several reasons, first, while she has a pretty good operatic voice that could do some classic 60s songs beautifully - it's a show that has that stupid consumerism Diva-worshipping crap that I, as an anti-mainstream, anti-establihsment rock fan, feel horribly insulted by - pre-packaged starlettes and the show is in the end not about talent, but actually about the boy-girl mixture which tingles repressed feelings in the Arab community, and most importantly, national bias.

Okay, regardless of my own feelings about the show, I have no problems with her winning, or of the people who voted, but my beef is with all that thing about her becoming a national symbol.

Sir Nir Rosen has an interesting paragraph on his seminal 'Civil War Anatomy' that I feel is fitting for the occasion:

I first visited Adhamiya on April 18, 2003, to see the triumphal return to Abu Hanifa of Dr. Ahmad Kubeisi, Iraq’s most famous living Sunni theologian, the mosque was covered in banners. On top of its walls young men held ones proclaiming “One Iraq, one people,” “No to America,” “We reject foreign control,” “Sunnis are Shias and Shias are Sunnis; we are all one,” “All the believers are brothers,” “Leave our country; we want peace.” Demonstrators chanted, “No to America, no to Saddam. Our revolution is Islamic!”

In 2003 Kubeisi’s followers held joint demonstrations and joint prayers with radical Shia movements such as Muqtada’s. Their message was “maku farq” there is no difference” between Sunnis and Shias: “We are all Muslims.” But they were protesting too much, and behind the stentorian insistence that they were united was the fear that they were not, and the knowledge of what would happen should this secret become known.

Yes, we are too much afraid, and we only graze and polish our external image to prove to our dear Arab brothers how much strong we are, while inside our houses and ourselves, therein lies the roots of separation, of hatred and of discord, planted deep within, we are afraid to go deep there and solve them, instead, hey, here's that snotty lady that looks like a beautiful pig swagging around on that show, she is Iraqi, so let's give her a help....Iraqis have gone and done it yet again, proving how pathetic they really are, when we continue to insist on such frail people as symbols for our unity, then that really means that we have a huge fucking problem. We did it last year when some folks began pointing at the abominable show 'The Government, or He's Dead' as a show where Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds can laugh at together - The show was a huge failure, terrible script, terrible puns, looks over content, just about every mistake there ever is, and here we laud it yet again as the solution to the failure of those childish politicians, even the title of that show was stolen from a hugely successful and funny satire-show that's done by another civil war-candidate country, the Lebanese "Basmat Watan" which can also be translated into two far more biting meanings: "Smiles of a Country" and "Yet, the country's dead". ًًWe can't do ANYTHING right. What good did this victory do for a mother who lost her son, or a family who lost their house. I can't believe our stupidity! I don't think any air-headed nation, even America, would do such a stupid thing when their country is being demolished and tattered piece by piece, this is not a time for celebration, it's a time of mourning. Don't cry all day, but still, respect the lost souls.