Tuesday, April 24, 2007

While Shaving...

No past and no tomorrow, all that you love will be carried away, why the hell am I feeling so angry for no reason, an anger that sometimes fades away when I'm having the great time of my life those days, laughing around with my brother and sister but it seems to be forever coming back, summoned from a hollow engraving deep down inside - like a bathroom that always smells vaguely of shit no matter how hard you wash it, mostly I feel it when I am walking alone in the empty streets, when there's nothing else to distract me from its morbid pulse, always there, silently starting, always feeling on the edge of explosion and facing it but never able to actually claim him, what I need is the reason, the pretext, the catalyst, looking at old college photographs don't help and it doesn't make me cry. I felt chronic, somewhat tired with my self-mocking apathy, I wasn't feeling this bad when I was in Iraq, an irony that is oddly similar to immediately hearing your grandmother loudly snoring after a huge IED explosion. Oddly detached, yet still there, composing my thoughts, the bathroom still seems vaguely of shit no matter how hard you wash it. I snort, trying to figure out what should I do with my facial hair this day and at the same trying to remember which al-Arabiya broadcaster I was sleeping with in yesterday's dream. No past and no tomorrow, every minute of your life counts, even those in bathrooms that suggest feces every minute, every second. Iraq is lost, down the toilet and up the ass. all that you love will be carried away, stephen king kept telling me yesterday, maybe i should finish that Fallout game and try to call it a day, the motherfucker Chou Seung whatshis face...eeeee....the media keep insisting that he's a monster but really all they want to say is how much we're loving it, sinister! bloody! horrible! and deep down they're squirming with joy, something is finally happening! no more bored scoops about the confused sons of dead sluts, what a bunch of losers we all are, i love the iraq war because it made you notice me, it's all about the attention and who gets it, how much we love the death and destruction, from what movie was this line from? Waking Life! and who was the girl? was it Suhair al-Qaysi? the Iraqi anchor with the chubby face or the pale blond one that always looks she just had sex, Suhair Murtadha? it's all lost. They're building al-Adhamiya zoo for al-Qaeda to walk around and France is choosing the new president, I decided on a small chin beard and began shaving...my mother didn't smell anything but why do I keep smelling it? perhaps it's the mental image in my brain, whatever it is, Maysoon Azzam! Maysoon Azzam! Maysoon Azzam! I felt happy at this silly little completion of yesteday's dream, a mental orgasm. I left the bathroom and got out.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Man we love you Kid, but you watch news a lot so try to do that less than usual. Oh and try the economical news it gets better there.

Melantrys said...

Or watch the part of the news ij which they announced they stopped the building of the wall... ;)

But Anonymous has a point; let's talk about it in private this eve, k?

*hugs you*

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you've got nothing to distract you from crap that happened in Iraq.

It really sucks how something like that can make you feel utterly powerless.

I don't really have any advice, but I hope you get through it.

Stuff like the VA Tech murders sounds dramatic, but in real life it just plain sucks. Better to have a nice, quiet, boring little life somewhere in which all you have to worry about is finding a girlfriend and getting a good job.

Anonymous said...

Das ist superfantastiche!!

Great Writing...
BTW I sense that smell too ;)

Caesar of Pentra said...

Mayson Azzam??!! Hehehe, that part hilariously rocks!
I'm trying to figure you shaving that sexy chin! ;)

BlogIraqi said...

--------------------------------
anonymous said...
Better to have a nice, quiet, boring little life somewhere in which all you have to worry about is finding a girlfriend and getting a good job.
---------------------------------
I wish it was that easy..
And KK,
I think we're all anonymous..because we're Iraqis.
A friend of mine once wrote..
أماه يا أماه..

لا تحزني إذا خرجتُ يوماً دون عودةٍ أماه..

إذا قٌتلت يا حبيبتي أماه..

فسجّلي إسمي مع الضحايا..

و حيثما اردت أمي سجّلي..

"فالموتُ لا يهمّه تسلسل الأسماء.

You have to read this one kid..
http://www.kitabat.com/i24754.htm

Little Penguin said...

Suhair Al Qaisy.. the gorgeous Iraqi present who whenever comes on, my dad sees my face all glowing with excitement, so he changes the channel.. same thing with the other suhair, the one that looks like she's just had sex! lol

Kid, this guilt, numbness, detachment.. what's the end of it? it's a spiralling feeling.. it's running in circles.. we'll only snap out of it with a might slap in the face..

Kid, yawash yawash..

Lynnette In Minnesota said...

PTSD.

I don't think you're alone in these feelings, Kid. I don't know what will help...time, distraction? I can't say to stop thinking about Iraq, because I know that's impossible.

Maybe the person who said "ignorance is bliss" was right, hmmm?

Take care.

Ra3d said...

actually i'm against any advises to get u distracted from Iraqi incidents. it's what makes you still alive & human. believe me it's not a bliss at all to be totally cold blooded towards whetever crisi in ur country, i'm there now & it's not fun. we're living dead so don't try to come near

keep ur chin up & nice decision on the beard shape :D

Anonymous said...

Yeah Kid, you write like I would imagine it to feel in a prison and someone bends you over and has a go, what can you do? Why blame the warden when all you see is the rapist? Just get used to it. Iraq is the favorite , being treated like a slut. No wonder you smell shit, Iraq is taking it big time and it is not stopping anytime soon.

Here's the thing, you like the warden, you trust the warden, the warden needs you, loves you too, who else will keep his prisoners occupied?

Listen to your good friend Lynette, she has the right idea. Try to find distraction. Close your eyes for long enough, blank it all out, pretend.

Good writing. I like it, the way you describe the pain and smell and stench of being screwed over.