While Shaving...

No past and no tomorrow, all that you love will be carried away, why the hell am I feeling so angry for no reason, an anger that sometimes fades away when I'm having the great time of my life those days, laughing around with my brother and sister but it seems to be forever coming back, summoned from a hollow engraving deep down inside - like a bathroom that always smells vaguely of shit no matter how hard you wash it, mostly I feel it when I am walking alone in the empty streets, when there's nothing else to distract me from its morbid pulse, always there, silently starting, always feeling on the edge of explosion and facing it but never able to actually claim him, what I need is the reason, the pretext, the catalyst, looking at old college photographs don't help and it doesn't make me cry. I felt chronic, somewhat tired with my self-mocking apathy, I wasn't feeling this bad when I was in Iraq, an irony that is oddly similar to immediately hearing your grandmother loudly snoring after a huge IED explosion. Oddly detached, yet still there, composing my thoughts, the bathroom still seems vaguely of shit no matter how hard you wash it. I snort, trying to figure out what should I do with my facial hair this day and at the same trying to remember which al-Arabiya broadcaster I was sleeping with in yesterday's dream. No past and no tomorrow, every minute of your life counts, even those in bathrooms that suggest feces every minute, every second. Iraq is lost, down the toilet and up the ass. all that you love will be carried away, stephen king kept telling me yesterday, maybe i should finish that Fallout game and try to call it a day, the motherfucker Chou Seung whatshis face...eeeee....the media keep insisting that he's a monster but really all they want to say is how much we're loving it, sinister! bloody! horrible! and deep down they're squirming with joy, something is finally happening! no more bored scoops about the confused sons of dead sluts, what a bunch of losers we all are, i love the iraq war because it made you notice me, it's all about the attention and who gets it, how much we love the death and destruction, from what movie was this line from? Waking Life! and who was the girl? was it Suhair al-Qaysi? the Iraqi anchor with the chubby face or the pale blond one that always looks she just had sex, Suhair Murtadha? it's all lost. They're building al-Adhamiya zoo for al-Qaeda to walk around and France is choosing the new president, I decided on a small chin beard and began shaving...my mother didn't smell anything but why do I keep smelling it? perhaps it's the mental image in my brain, whatever it is, Maysoon Azzam! Maysoon Azzam! Maysoon Azzam! I felt happy at this silly little completion of yesteday's dream, a mental orgasm. I left the bathroom and got out.